Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Drama over nothing or would you be wallowing too?

14 replies

Ooyllllll · 27/08/2021 22:31

Wallowing might be a bit strong.

New ish partner of a few months is really hit and miss with contact. He does initiate it often but mostly it’s me. Whenever I message he will reply and if I suggest a call he calls within minutes. But for instance I’ve not heard from him today. I know he was working until six but I would have hoped to have heard from him even if it’s goodnight.

I was going to message again but I feel like it’s always me so will just leave it tonight

We are supposed to be having dinner tomorrow and I feel a bit flat about it.

OP posts:

seensome · 27/08/2021 22:48

I would feel the same, there has to be equal effort in communication, it only takes a second to send a quick message to let the other your thinking of them, busy etc
It's Friday night do you think he's gone out? Even so a text would of been nice.
I would wait until tomorrow now to be in a better frame of mind and talk to him about it, honestly how you feel.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/08/2021 22:49

Talk to him about it. If you feel that you can’t then he’s not for you.

Original poster

Ooyllllll · 27/08/2021 22:56

I’ve told him about it before. He does sometimes text first but usually says it can be late when he finishes (11pm) so he is too tired.

OP posts:

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 22:57

I’m the same with my DP. Hate being the first to message all the time. When I’m feeling neglected I will tell him (sometimes politely and sometimes less so!) and he will step it up a bit.

He’s not a keen texter and would rather phone but I hate the interruption of a call, so we’re not well matched there.

Just speak to him about it and confirm that you’re not necessarily looking for a big text convo - it only needs to be a quick message to let you know he’s thinking of you. Explain how you feel when he hasn’t messaged you all day. I know most of the time my DP just doesn’t think about sending a “hey baby, thinking of you” type message, but now he knows that it means a lot he will do it more often.

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 22:58

X post.

I guess in that case you have to decide if you feel secure enough without those messages to be happy, or if the mismatch will make you miserable long term.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/08/2021 22:59

I’d say you’re not compatible and move on

Original poster

Ooyllllll · 27/08/2021 22:59

How soon into it did you bring it up @ShitShop ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ooyllllll · 27/08/2021 23:01

Into the relationship I mean @ShitShop

OP posts:

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 23:02

We’ve been together 10 years and I still have to remind him sometimes!! Can’t remember when it was first an issue. I think in the early days I put up with the phone calls and facetimes a lot more. Then one day we had a bust up about it and I told him I hated phone calls and he said he hated texts!! It’s one of those perpetual problems that never goes away, but is usually a problem as a symptom of another issue such as feeling taken for granted or neglected generally. When things are going well it isn’t such an issue.

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 23:03

Do you feel valued and cared for when you’re actually together? Are you happy with the amount of time you spend together?

Original poster

Ooyllllll · 27/08/2021 23:05

@ShitShop it’s great when together. I just feel shit not hearing from him and he does sometimes get in touch with a nice message but leaving it all day and not speaking to me feels shit :(

OP posts:

ShitShop · 27/08/2021 23:30

I know. It makes you feel so unimportant doesn’t it. Especially when you know he has his phone in his hand or pocket all day long! I used to say to him, if you’ve checked your emails or looked on Facebook, or played your stupid game, you’ve had time to send me a 4-5 word text! If I’m honestly less important than crushing some gems or whatever, then what’s the point?!

He will object that a text - or lack thereof - does not sum up our relationship, and that I should be judging him on how he behaves when we’re together not when we’re apart, but for me, how I feel when we’re apart is just as important. If I feel out of sight, out of mind, then when we do see each other I’m less likely to open up and feel cherished.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2021 23:34

We are supposed to be having dinner tomorrow and I feel a bit flat about it.

That should tell you it's not working. Far too many women cling on to new relationships that just don't cut it and they waste so much time. Don't be one of those women. End it and move on. The beginning of a relationship should be fun and make you feel good, not this shit.

Babymamamama · 28/08/2021 10:01

You hate phone calls and he hates texting. I can’t see that one trumps the other. Am I right you don’t live together after 10 years? I would see this as a fairly informal relationship, stop focusing on whether or not he replies and focus on other good things going on for you such as hobbies or friends. And let him fit around those.

Flip