Combating Parental Alienation?

[AliensEverywhere]

I'm not really sure if this is the right place for this thread? It's not about me, it is a family member so I'm going to be purposely vague.

Mum and Dad divorced for a good few years now. It seems sure that Dad is alienating the children to varying degrees of success, Mum is really struggling but feels unable to prove anything and can't afford a lawyer. She is struggling with depression and is finding this very upsetting. It's clearly damaging for the children.

Are there any tips on how to combat parental alienation day to day?

I can't help but will follow as I am in this situation as the Mum, it's very difficult.

[Flowers] AnotherVice, I really feel for you being in the situation too it must be so hard.

This seems to have fallen down the pages since last night.
Really would appreciate if any one who is dealing with this had any tips they could share?

I've had a similar experience. Encourage the children to have an open dialogue with you (your friend). Have some standard responses if they say he's said something unkind or untrue about you. Eg "well that's daddies thoughts, or" that's up to him what he thinks". Never slag him off or be negative about him to the children. Also remember you don't have to combat what he says, the children will learn who's the reliable honest parent. This comes with actions not words.
Unless you have total proof and it's clearly abusive you really won't get anywhere with a solicitor anyway. You just have to navigate around it and ensure you show a kind and loving approach to parenting. Kids arnt silly

Thanks Justmeandme19, that is good advice and so far what she has been hoping would help. Even with her being consistent and loving and never bad mouthing dad they are still worsening and pulling away.

They don't come home with "daddy says" just act out and call names etc. In all honesty it's like getting blood from a stone to get anything out of them about what they did at Daddies house.
No one is pushing them just like "did you have a nice time" "did you do anything fun" etc is met with shrugs and nothing else. It's hard to describe but it's like total silence whenever you show interest in home life at dads so we think they have been told not to tell us anything.

How old are the children? Does the school offer counselling or mentoring?

I don’t know what to say to offer advice but experience it’s so hard to prove and the system is pretty bad with fees. She can go to court and represent herself however. The only parental alienation I knew of was the mother and it was awful from changing surnames to getting new boyfriend to terrorise ex father lies and basically turning the kids against him. Years later they don’t to talk to her at all after seeing what a narcissist she is but again don’t really talk to real dad and it hurts him but he can wait for the day they ask him his side of the story. I think what goes around comes around. Sorry I honestly wish I could offer better advice but going to court on her own and getting cafcass involved may help as they do take it seriously nowadays just hard to prove I’ve heard .

One is 13 and the other is almost 7. I'm not sure about the school offering any help, I would need to ask their mum.

Chippingbird23 that's the problem, the mum knows that the problems are being created by dad but she has absolutely no proof because the children don't say dad told them to say this or told them to do that they just act out and call her horrible names, say they hate her and want to live with dad.

The youngest let slip that dad is still allowing them to do something they aren't allowed to do at home yesterday. Said in a well ha to you mum coz dad lets me do it kind of way.

Get her to speak to the school tell them everything that's going on and refer herself to the early help hub its not normal for a child who had a close bond with there parent to turn against them like that I have an 8 year old who doesn't see his dad but he has literally never liked him he would demand to be bought home again and again now he refuses to go but right from birth he couldn't stand his own father even when we were together there are pictures smiling happy baby with mum seconds later screaming blue murder in dads arms he didn't like him at all

She needs to keep a diary of what they say and how they represent. She may well never need to use it but it lay well come in handy. It certainly did with me!!!!
How long have the parents been separated for?

Theunamedcat thank you. Yeah this is passed the normal sort of thing for children of their ages, there are other children in our family who have acted out and been grumpy at times and with the older ones the usual teenager stuff but never anything like what is going on here and never for so long.

What did you use the diary for in the end Justmeandme19? Mum and dad have been divorced and separated since youngest was 4. Mum has encouraged and done things to make easier a relationship between the children and their dad and cheer them up with countdowns till next visit with him etc. She has never said anything bad about him even though there is a lot that could be said if that makes sense. She's only ever encouraged being loving towards him.

When they were together dad was not the best and could be grumpy with the older one but since they separated dad seemed to make an effort to be exciting and fun to be around but more than that? It's hard to explain. They suddenly were going on days out or trips away when they were with him but anything that needed bought for hobbies he started taking them to he would say "mum will have to buy you" or something.

I've remembered in the early days there were some things the youngest said that dad had said but I think now they're older they've been taught not to pass on anything thats said. I think it was something like "dad said mum took" items from the house like you would normally in a separation but it was said in a way that dad was going without because mum had taken all the important things but she hadn't, we all think she should have asked for more and left with so little. It was actually really hard for her to get back on her feet.

Hi I’ve been through this and come out the other side.
Firstly I will say there’s no quick fix, it took four years to come out the other side.
After I left my husband the abuse of my children started, because that’s what parental alienation is! I went to women’s aid and I was supported through this horrendous time. I didn’t see my son for two years, it was horrific.
My children would come back saying dad said you done this or that, I remained factual when answering them and never spoke badly about him. Just stick to the facts. I also gently helped them see that these things their dad was asking or saying about me wasn’t fair on them. I messaged and tried to call my son daily.
I have been honest and calm and eventually the children work it out for themselves unfortunately that’s really what it comes down to. Today we are all back together which is wonderful, but I will never understand or forgive him for putting our children through that. He’s still at it as well but my children are older and understand what he’s doing now.

Thank you sunnydays78 I'm glad everything worked out for you all in the end and I'm really sorry for anyone going through this or that has. I can see what it's doing to the Mum and it's really heart breaking because we all just feel so powerless about it and the children seem to get further and further away.

I used it in court. The parental alienation was unfortunately just part of a bigger case of abuse towards the children and me.

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear that