FTM, feeling lonely, miss my partner

[Sunnylands27]

FTM with 10wk old DD. DD was a velcro baby since day 1 & I’m utterly in love with her but Jesus H Christ it’s been hard work.
Pre-DD my partner & I had a really loving relationship, affectionate always & we’d regularly hang out in bed chatting on the evenings. We used to have a healthy sex life (albeit a bit vanilla - I dot really mind that though) but from wk 30 of pregnancy we stopped having sex, i was knackered, we were bickering more & things were just awkward with my hugeeee bump.
Partner is a farmer, currently building farm no3 whilst managing the other 2 so has a full on work life. As such he moved to the spare room on day 4 of being home, also so that he could be semi-helpful during the day whilst I am a zombie. Fast forward to wk10 & I feel like I’ve literally done the whole thing on my own, every night shift, BF, all day care, cleaning & even having introduced formula 3wks ago he’s given her 2 bottles thus far.
He’s also been away 3x since she was born, each 2+ nights for stag do, wedding, night out & is due a cricket trip away this month. If he has her for even a little bit he insists she needs a feed if she kicks off - for example earlier he told me to go and get some sleep and he’d look after DD but 2ins later he’s knocking on the bedroom door saying she needs milk & he’ll start tea.. it’s like he doesn’t want to learn how to soothe her & he’s now saying she doesn’t like daddy.. but it’s just that he’s never with her for any length of time!
I’m becoming really resentful of him & know I need to communicate this properly. I broke down last week and told him I feel really lonely & like I’m doing it all myself & he was supportive but said that’s what being a parent is & he’ll help out more.. nothings changed.
I miss how we used to be & don’t want us to become a cliche couple that ends up miserable after having a baby.
Has anyone got some advice to reignite our love for each other & get through this?

I can't imagine what running 3 farms is like and must be tiring but he needs to realise you can't function without sleep! Tell him he needs to do the last feed before bed while you have a bath and get some sleep before she wakes up. It'll take him half an hour max but help you out loads

If she cries why is he waking you to give her a bottle? Is there any day he isn’t working? On that day, go out. Go see a friend. Go to your parents on your own for an hour. Then the next time two hours etc build up by an hour each time. Leave pre made formula bottle. Get those aptamil cartons. He’s only going to do it if you’re not in the house.

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. It gets better. I think the key is communication. Why is your partner away so much? If he has time for that surely he can give you some down time? Take baby for a walk, let you nap for an hour/shower etc x

Partner is being an absolute dick. Sorry, but wow! How selfish.
Sit him down, tell him how you feel, ask for more support and for him to forgo his future nights out or trips away until things calm down. If he can’t, well…. I would probably give him a hard ultimatum, either he is apart of the family, or he is not. Choose. It appears that he is. living in a half and half world right now. Unacceptable as a new dad. Shame on him.
Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and your baby. You both matter.

Thanks everyone. It’s been a tough day emotionally, I took myself DD & the dog out for a long walk & had a good cry (behind the sunnies) whilst partner was at golf.
I think I have clearly enabled this behaviour for too long & tbh I’m absolutely terrible at confrontation. Nor do I want to throw ultimatums on the table, he is after all the partner I chose & the father I chose for DD so I know I have to take some ownership here.
When he arrived home this afternoon I said quite bluntly it’s been a rough day emotionally, I feel completely alone. He admitted he felt guilty for going to golf when I was up 7/8x last night & that we’ve not been spending enough time together but it gives him time to clear his head & work is really rough at the moment with brexit which is causing him worry / stress.
I let him have a shower & change then handed him DD & quietly went upstairs to sleep without saying anything. 40mins later he woke me to feed her & buggered off again, so I got up & asked would you like to do bath/bottle/bed tonight, he said yes. I helped with bath & changing her then he fed her to sleep & when she woke again he went in & tried to settle her for abut 45mins before asking for some help & I gladly obliged having praised him for doing a good job with the bottle (he seemed very flustered so I think he needed to know that! Plus she took more from him than she ever does from me!)

• I’m now sat here having soothed her to sleep & he’s out in the garden doing some digging but I can honestly say I feel pretty proud of him for giving it a go & although I know we could have just had blazing row about everything I have no space for that in my mind (nor the energy) right now. So, I’m going to keep getting him involved on a daily basis, I think maybe he’s actually scared to do it & just needs a bit of encouragement. Plus I’ve insisted we spend the day together tomorrow - no farm talk from him & no crying from me.

well done op. let us know how you get on.

My DD is a couple of weeks behind yours and also velcro. My partner recognises how different it is parenting a velcro newborn. I'm not trying to be smug but just to show you how much you've been mugged off!

My partner does at least one shift every night. Tonight he did 9-4 so I could have a really good rest and did all the feeds with bottles of expressed milk. He has watched you tube videos of how how to soothe baby, learned how to swaddle and taught me, shown me how baby likes it when we hold her and bounce on the birthing ball etc.

Keep going with getting yours to step up.