Hurtful and flakey men seriously getting me down — need a serious boost!

[Earlgrey19]

I left an emotionally abusive husband, Have two young DC and I find it hard seeing so many families in our community where the parents are together. I was then very badly hurt by a man who pursued me very hard but he turned out to beutterly confused and wanted to go back to his ex, while I had fallen for him completely. Then after that a lovely male friend who knew I was single took me out on some amazing evenings, sent messages like ‘so so lovely, more soon please’, but then he retreated completely and has gone silent. Nothing happened but it seemed as if it might do, and I had allowed myself to take it seriously. Then, for the last few weeks I was chatting a lot to someone on an OLD app who seemed interesting— we exchanged lots of messages for some weeks, there was a delay to when we could go on a first date due to holidays planned and us both having our kids certain weekends etc… But we were due to meet tomorrow, except that he has now ghosted me. I took a few days to reply to his last message, I think that’s why (but I did reply, and we’d exchanged lots of other messages). Today I wrote again saying still want to meet up? But nothing.

I feel despairing, like I just attract this behaviour.
It’s seriously getting me down. I’m trying to see my lovely friends when I can, but I still feel lonely. And to be honest my heart is still in bits about the guy who was confused and got back with his ex — I still have to see him at work sometimes, and it is agonising.

Maybe I shouldn’t be attempting to date at all. My friends and family encouraged me to try a bit of light dating as I think they really want me to get over the heartbreaker guy.

I’ve started to wonder am I just not good enough — too boring, or too much, I don’t know. Or are there no available guys who are not ambivalent or hurtful? I’m 40. I’m in therapy but feel I’ve sunk closer to rock bottom about it all lately. Thanks for reading.

I want to say your not alone, same here after coming out of a long marriage, I've dated but have been let down by flaky men, I don't know what I've to deserve it but I keep going, I refuse to retreat and hide away while they get on their lives, I get straight back out there, I grown to be quite strong minded although it does hurt at the time. It doesn't matter how old, young, good looking, intelligent you are unfortunately when looking for a partner you have to weed out the bad ones.

Thanks Seensome. Hope you find someone wonderful x

Yes, I think if you leave it too long between making contact and having your first date, some men will simply lose interest because it's not instant gratification. They'll probably still be looking at other women in the meantime and running off after them if they see one who seems like a better bet. There were valid reasons why you couldn't meet the OLD one but unfortunately it sounds like the combination of the prolonged period of chatting and the few days without contact dampened his interest.

As for the other two, I think sometimes the ones who pursue you really hard and seem really keen are the ones who will go to the other extreme at the flick of a switch. It's awful and dispiriting but when they're a bit too much too soon it's often a red flag.

Lots of weirdos and players out there.
Have a look at the handbook of this group to help you navigate the dating world.
www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

I couldn't read and not comment. I used to feel like this. The last three men I've dated blew hot and cold and didn't seem to know what they wanted. I was very hurt by one of them.

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. Maybe you should have a break from dating for a while.

I've been single for a while and I think next time round I will be better at spotting flakey behaviour/red flags.

Why do you have to date? Let them come to you.

Yes, @Shamsa03, I think I’m going to stop trying to date and see what normal life brings.

Thanks @bankholidayyeah Hopefully wiser for it, yes.

I think particularly with OLD there are sadly lots of guys who are already in relationships but they still like to do the ‘chat up’ and messages and play along— they see it as a giant ego boost and ‘enertainment’ Getting those pings in their inbox- but they have no intention of actually meeting up — in all fairness I had a female friend who was like this too.

Dating is complicated when you start from scratch and to add to this it doesn't help that you sadly had a not so loving relationship which will impact your decisions. It's natural we avoid the things which have previously hurt us.

Dating is sort of a game sadly 99% of the time. You have to gauge and keep the interest of someone else. If they message you every 12hrs or so. If you message them every 10 minutes, that could overwhelm them. If you don't message for days they'll think you're not interested.

To some degree it's a interview, each time you meet you find out if they will keep you entertained, loved and supported in life. We can certainly all improved on our techniques. Everyone feels more comfortable when it feels natural, the other person is interested but not too interested and we feel like we find them both mentally and physically attractive.

Keep going, discuss with your friends what you're doing and don't give it. Took me 16 years to find the right person. Some will do it in 1 year others it could take a life time. Just don't give up.

Could have written this exact post myself! I'm totally over it and am giving it all a break for a while, I'm just not strong enough for it right now. It's such a cliche but it's not us It's them, and sometimes it's not even them it's just bad timing. It's shit though and really dents your confidence doesn't it.

Online dating is a completely artificial way of "meeting" people. It's no different to seeing a guy on the street and having to immediately start chatting to them based in how they look like and what their name tag says. Until you meet them, there is no emotional connection. Not everyone is into endlessly chatting to a stranger they have never seen, so delays in replying or in meeting can easily result in either of the 2 losing interest. It happens to me all the time, and it's not because I'm flaky, it's simply because I don't know these guys and after some days of no contact, and as I have several chats going on at the same time, i forget who they were and what their story was, and it feels too much hassle to read through the whole chat again, so i just block. It's nothing personal, how could it be? I know nothing about them.