My mum got drunk at my wedding. Advice .

[Tigersparklespink]

My mum got drunk at my wedding . She was drunk early on in the day and as she tends to became unkind and rude to me . I spent my wedding trying to keep her from other guests . I found this extremely stressful . Eventually I left her . I found out she had split drinks and been talking rubbish and falling about . My OH insisted it is ok and his family didn’t judge and not to worry .

What annoys me is that when my mum has a drink she becomes spiteful . She told me several times
“You are so posh aren’t you ! “ because I asked her to stop shouting and whistling .
“ you are so bossy “ because I asked her to eat as she desperately needed to eat her dinner as she was so drunk .
“ you think you know everything and you don’t “ because I asked her to stop demanding a drink from the waitress and that she would be served in time “
Throughout the day she kept loudly moaning about guests to me . Which was mortifying . The next day no mention was made of her behaviour by anyone . My mum continued as normal so I did too - even though I was very upset .

For some reason my mum will constantly be negative of others. Her only conversation seems to be about others .

I have always found my mum to be selfish and negative . She dominates conversations and she repeats the same stories over and over . These stories generally are negative accounts of others . Even on the phone my mum will dominate all conversation. It is hard as she is kind and she does mean well and I know in the past she has been hurt but I have realised that I no longer enjoy spending time with her or talking to her .

My sister is aware that my mum constantly talks about others , is negative and tells the same stories over and over . However she spends very limited time with her and let’s mums behaviour go over her head .

It’s been a few weeks since the wedding and I don’t want to talk to my mum. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her I am disappointed with her . But no one ever pulls her up on her behaviour. I am not saying I am perfect but I am just so frustrated with her . She always seems to be totally oblivious to her behaviour . I realise that maybe I need to tell her . But I don’t think she is emotionally mature enough to accept her behaviour. Or maybe I am just too scared to upset her .

I am giving birth in 4 weeks and I am concerned as I know my mum wants to be a big part and wants to come and visit a lot and be a big part in the babies life but I am so cross with her. Of all the things she has done I have just accepted my mum as being abit difficult but after her performance at my wedding I am just so cross . It was a very small wedding and I can’t understand why she would do this to me . I have spent years feeling frustrated and disappointed by her and I just don’t want her to tarnish the arrival
Of my little girl. Yet i don’t want to be cruel.

I don’t know what to do ? I am just fed up of the negativity She brings . I’m annoyed with myself for not dealing with this over the years

Is your Mum an alcoholic or was this behaviour with alcohol at your wedding an isolated incident?

My sister is aware that my mum constantly talks about others , is negative and tells the same stories over and over . However she spends very limited time with her and let’s mums behaviour go over her head

And you couldn’t do this because …….

It seems like you want to change her. This is her. She won’t change. You simply have to make a decision based on how she is.

I'm sorry to be negative, but it's very likely that you can't and won't change your mum. If she has an unhealthy relationship with drink, then the advice is always to take a step back, protect yourself and set very clear boundaries. She has to want to change, and needs to see it for herself. Someone else, particularly someone close to her, just won't be able to change the way she sees herself.

If the problem is not the drink - if the drink merely brings to the surface what she is really like - she is still unlikely to change for you. The mumnset saying of "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them" applies.

Read up on Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG) . You are not responsible for your mum. You are not obliged to try to change her.

You can still love her, because she is your mum, whilst still having healthy boundaries. You do not have to engage with her if she is talking negatively about other people. You do not have to apologise to other people for her. You do not have to let her demand to see your baby everytime she wants to.

You are about to be a mum and to have your own family. You will be in charge. You can invite your mum over to see her, to spend time with her, for special events, but you do not have to give in to every demand. Make sure that your DH understands how you feel and is on board, so that you are a united front, and practice certain key phrases which you will need.

I'm sorry mum. Not today. We are having a quiet day. We will see you on Thursday as arranged.

Thank you for your advice Mum. (Tinkly laugh) Now, would you like a cup of tea.

It's interesting that you did things that way Mum. Things seem to have changed a lot in the last 20 years don't they?

We are going out in 30 minutes. We will see you/talk on Thursday (or whenever.)

She will probably not find it easy being stood up to, if she is not used to it. Be kind, but firm. Know how much involvement you want from her as Grandma and be prepared to stand your ground. She will probably complain to your sister, and try to get her own way, but by being calm, and firm, you stand the best chance of having some relationship with her without feeling constantly battered.

Best of luck.

You're running 2 threads here @Tigersparklespink

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4333718-Mum-got-drunk-at-my-wedding-Don-t-want-to-talk-to-her

Unfortunately your mum is very unlikely to change, and stewing on her behaviour at your wedding is just going to continually upset you. Personally I think you probably were a little naive going into the wedding as to how her behaviour was likely to be and you took too much responsibility on in trying to make her behave, something she clearly is unable to do.
All you can do at this stage is choose how to move forward. If you consistently find her manner and behaviour upsetting, maybe a step back from your relationship would be beneficial for you.

It's a choice though, isn't it? Either you continued on and then you realise that actually a lot of your own dialogue has become negative about other people (is your Mum) and you then realise that you have become the thing you are criticising your Mum about or you step back and either talk to your Mum about the issue or reduced contact. She sounds miserable. That's her life. It doesn't have to be yours. I think it's timely this is coming up before your baby is born, good to address it now. You might also want to notice that your one wedding day was dominated by your choice to mother your own mother. She is her own person. Drunk or sober.