Feel unlovable after FOG

[thegreenlight]

You were all amazing helping me through the last lockdown when my relationship with my mum broke down (I didn’t send enough pictures of DS birthday which turned into an attack on my parenting and her thoughts that I have ‘ruined’ my 7 year old and he needs professional help) horrible messages were sent. I only responded when the messages were civil (I can’t do confrontation) and ignored her when they were hurtful which meant I ignored her a lot. My dad got involved and when I said I needed more time (they wanted me to just forget and carry on as normal) he turned straight away and said similar hurtful things. I was accused of being awful, selfish, that my brothers always hated me and they were right to and that I had ruined my relationship with my mum forever. I kept being civil and eventually she came round and was normalish (after months) she says she has no recollection of any messages being sent and that she deletes her messages so can’t look at them (she doesn’t know how). The thing is now there is an uneasy relationship I genuinely feel like she’s a stranger. I see posts from mums about their daughters on Facebook and even if my mum is nice to me I can’t help seeing all the messages in my mind and feeling that even my own mother can’t love me. I’ve retreated in on myself (her behaviour made me lose my best friend anyway who actually turned out to be a lot like her) I have a husband who adores me but I feel broken and wary of any female relationship - like they are pretending to like me but underneath hate me.

Do you think everybody who has a mother who doesn't love them is unlovable, or just you?

Just me - because of my character flaws.

What’s FOG?
Sounds like you should go no contact. What are your family adding to your life?

She sounds fucking horrendous OP and no wonder you feel as you do.

Lots of therapy to work through this shit.

OP, check out the YouTube channel by Dr Ramani. I think you would benefit from her advice about narcissist relationships.

Fear obligation guilt - I learnt a lot about it on here and while having therapy when this all happened. I don’t want to go no contact as I still feel that she is my mum and I love her - I just feel like she’s a stranger.

So this isn't about your mother then, because other people could have had her as a mother and still be lovable.

This is about you. So, take her out of the equation whilst you're working through this, and think about how you can improve the way you feel about you.

What are these flaws that make you such an unlovable person? I'm not asking what your mum has told you; what do you think is so wrong with you?

I hate myself. I feel like I’m wrong and don’t understand social interactions and feel like I’m rebuilding myself and ‘acting’ every time I interact with someone who isn’t my husband - I discussed this with my therapist and she was very nice but it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I couldn’t afford £160 a month when my children went back into childcare and the NHS therapist was worse than awful so I’m not having therapy at present.

Why do you act? What's the purpose of it? What would happen if you didn't?

I don’t know who I am to no act - I’ve always acted how I think normal people act. To hide I suppose. When I act normally I walk away from the situation hating myself even more.

But you don't act with your husband, and he loves you, and you trust him in that?

He’s different - I suppose I don’t trust women mainly. They expect you to act in a certain way and if you don’t you’re weird. I suppose my mum saying all those hurtful things confirmed what I had known all along.

But doesn't that make it clear to you that it's not you being 'unlovable'? You clearly can accept that you are lovable, because you accept that you are loved.

Not trusting women isn't the same as not being lovable.

Do you understand that what you had 'known all along' isn't objective fact? That you've been conditioned since birth by the way your mother has parented you? That she's essentially been training you your whole life to feel negative about yourself?

What you think about yourself is what your mum thinks of you, and what you think of you has been consistently squashed and battered and minimised throughout your childhood.

Is there an angry part of you inside? Angry at your mum?

I’m not angry I don’t think. Her mum was the same. I don’t think she knows that she does it. It makes me sad that she’s not happy because happy people don’t act the way that she does.

What TheFoundations has written here.

Its not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them that way. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours here appears to be one of scapegoat with your brother being the favoured "golden child" (a role not without price either but he is unaware of this). You have likely been conditioned by both parents here (your dad is certainly his wife's all too willing enabler) to feel unworthy and or hating your own self all your life; this toxic conditioning stuff sticks and absolutely needs unlearning through therapy. Your parents installed those buttons in your head, you did not yourself put them there.

I would find a BACP registered therapist to work with and also have a look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (there is also a section on there about enabling fathers). You should also consider reading and or posting on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread; I think you would find support and understanding there too.

Your parents did a bang up job of making you believe wrongly that you are as you've stated.

This toxic crap has stopped with you because I daresay you do not do to your own children like you were treated as a child. I am not at all surprised to see that your grandmother treated your mother the same either; abuse can and often does go down the generations. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and chose to abuse you like she was in her own childhood. She never sought nor wanted to seek the necessary help. Its really not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. And you also cannot fix her pain. You can only help your own self ultimately and with you not having any further contact with them they will hopefully then further turn on each other.

She's stomped the angry feeling down, too, then.

When you feel 'uneasy', as you've put it, what do you want to happen to the uneasy feeling? Do you want to respond to it and respect it, or do you just want it to shut up, leave you alone, and let you get on with real life, rather than pesky emotions that get in the way?

I have no idea if the way you feel is because of your childhood and the trauma of having her as a mother, or possibly something else. Your posts though sound like undiagnosed autism in women, which manifests differently to males .

https://www.seeherthrive.com/blog/2020/11/5/autism-in-women-why-its-different-and-what-to-look-out-for

There are some better links and resources if you look around,but I just wanted to put it forward and something for you to consider.

Your mother definitely did a number on you. That doesn't make you unlovable, that makes you a survivor.

I find it hard to respect anything about myself - my body, my needs, my boundaries or my emotions.

My son may be high functioning autistic (if he is, he definitely gets it from me and not his dad!) and I’m ashamed to say that I tried to change him and make him ‘normal’ the way my mum tried to with me. I did a lot of work on myself and learnt to be his advocate but I find it hard as he displays all the behaviours I do and did that I hate so maybe there is something in what you say. He is him and makes no attempt to change whereas I hate myself for those behaviours.

We are very 'monkey see, monkey do', OP.

Your Mum did not respect your body, your needs, your boundaries, your emotions, and you are simply replicating the example that she set you. You are like a clone of her, and you are also you.

There's no wonder you feel such conflict.

Are you aware of your emotions, your needs, your boundaries? Are you aware of the feeling when they get trampled on, even when it's by you? You must be aware to some extent, because you've said it's happening. Is there a feeling that comes with it? With the thought process that is 'I don't want/like this' and 'I don't think this is right for me'? A feeling that you feel like a shiver or nausea or heaviness in your chest/guts, when your boundaries get crossed?

@thegreenlight

My son may be high functioning autistic (if he is, he definitely gets it from me and not his dad!) and I’m ashamed to say that I tried to change him and make him ‘normal’ the way my mum tried to with me. I did a lot of work on myself and learnt to be his advocate but I find it hard as he displays all the behaviours I do and did that I hate so maybe there is something in what you say. He is him and makes no attempt to change whereas I hate myself for those behaviours.

Then I think this is something you should explore more, for your own sake. You wouldn't hate yourself for not being able to fly or breathe under water would you?

You need to learn to accept yourself (at least ) just as you are, and to listen to your own voice . What you are hearing is your mother's voice,abuse ,toxicity. It's not your fault.

Could you try to meet some women who are parents to autistic children? I find that many are neurodiverse themselves. Masking is tiring and unnecessary as most people don’t do a good enough job to fool anyone long term. If someone is going to dislike you because you’re quirky then they will dislike you either way but many people find quirky and different is a positive in a friend.

I don't think it's unusual to be left with chronic low self esteem when you are the family scapegoat. You have been effectively brainwashed into believing you are the 'bad one. It becomes ingrained.

When I finally escaped my family of origin I was left with the feeling that it was all my fault especially as all those people putting me down can't be wrong can they? Also my ex husband and various 'friends'. Well they absolutely can be. Scapegoats are often the most mentally and emotionally stable member of the family. They have to be, to withstand the weight of all the family's dysfunction. My DMs favourite hobby was telling about the people who disliked me including grandparents. I was so down on myself I developed chronic anxiety, could barely function, on my own.

I would have a good read up on scapegoating in families, to understand the dynamics. Then get into some long term therapy. Some therapists offer reduced rates. It takes a while but you can turn this around. I went from a chronically anxious person with zero self esteem to what I am today. Secure, happy and see things realistically and as they are not how I was trained as a child.

One thing I have discovered though is that I can't be around my family again. I can see how toxic they are, especially my DM. You may find the more 'woke' you become the less tolerant to be around people who have effectively sacrificed you to cover up their dysfunction.

@thegreenlight have you found the stately homes thread on here? It's a support thread for people with parents like your mum. You might find the support helpful. There may be other therapy options, if you ask around, like a self help book. Not on parents specifically, emotionally damaging STBXH, but a therapist I saw twice, who was very good, couldn't afford more, recommended working through the happiness trap. She said it's a very good introduction to ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The work on ACT I did with her was very positive.