Is your partner a workaholic? Please talk to me

[HenriettaMjse]

DP is high up in a professional job. Don’t want to say what exactly but he sometimes works shifts and has lots of pressure with work outside of usual hours. It’s very full on and he is very dedicated.

I am in a similar profession in terms of objective success, but being honest it’s a bit of a walk in the park compared to his demands. While I might have 2/3 days a week of horrendous stress, every time he is at work the pressure never really stops. I can also work from home and manage my own time a bit which of course also helps. Money wise we are on similar pay.

I’m just at a bit of a point where I start to feel DP won’t switch off. We’ve had about 3 full weekends together this summer as he usually elects to work a day at the weekend. We spend at least 3 nights together a week though and speak daily either text or phone.

I’ve been asking him for months, literally, to book a day off so we could have a long weekend. He says he would love this and is trying to find the time. I’ve now said come back to me with some dates for autumn and it’s been weeks and he’s not organised it. I start to feel resentful as I have a busy job and also need to plan around that. I’ve made plans with friends too but I don’t want to get into the realm of playing games with him. I’ve been direct and he just says he will do it, that he wants to and would like a break.

It’s just relentless though. When we are together we will have a few hours together in an evening then he will disappear until midnight to catch up on work.

He definitely puts more into it than his colleagues and he does recognise he works too much. He often apologies and says he wants a better balance but it’s hard and he doesn’t know how.

I don’t want to have to coax him to relax a bit more or do anything else like that. Guess I’m wondering if anyone else has been here and how you deal with it for yourself?

I sympathise, my DH has similar habits to yours, and it's tough for both people in the relationship. After more than two decades of marriage, I have developed some coping strategies and we do talk a lot about how it's making us both feel. My job is full time WFH now, can be stressful in peaks but I'm not expected to do very long hours regularly and I can have a great work life balance.
I used to feel angry with DH (when the DCs were little and I felt like I was parenting them alone sometimes) but now they're older it is easier as I can please myself more.
For me, accepting that this is the way he is wired and not trying to change him has been a revelation. However, when it starts to impact his health or our family life together, then I do intervene.
I remind him to book a day off here and there just to do nothing (he says it's impossible as there's never a good time) but he is getting better at it. If I didn't suggest holidays he wouldn't even think of it, when he's head-down in work he's blinkered to the real world.
We organise activities that we know will take him away from work completely so when he is offline, he can properly relax.
Counselling can really help people like our DHs work out why they manage their time and their careers in a certain way.
I think with my DH it's a combo of exceptionally high standards, a fear of letting people down, a need to be needed professionally, a need to provide for his family, and lots of bad habits around time keeping that have just become hard to break. The psychology of being a workaholic is fascinating! But it's not healthy, or sustainable, and even small changes every so often can make a massive difference. I hope you find solutions that works for both of you

@Gherkingreen thanks! We are still relatively new (2 years) and I have often taken it really really personally. To which he will say he spends almost all his free time with me, which he does. It’s just not as much as I would like! 😂

I think accepting this is just him is key really. Thanks for posting it’s made me feel less alone!!

I agree about accepting this is how he is.
I work long unsociable hours as a chef and anyone married to one knows it goes with the territory.
He does need to prebook some holidays though.
I've pencilled in dates for the whole yr so my family know when they will see me.
I hope you can find a compromise.

@HenriettaMjse no worries! I totally understand, I used to take it personally too! I think if I could do it all again, the one thing I'd do is make sure I had a hobby/pastime to really dig into at the weekends to make sure I was doing something just for me, and had a focus when DH was absorbed with work.
It's really important to keep talking to your partner and telling him how you feel. Am sure you'll find a way through! The qualities that make him a workaholic are likely to be really positive ones, but it all needs to be balanced.

Do you want this to be how your life and relationship looks?

It's unlikely he'll change, so it's whether you can be happy like it.

If you're thinking long-term, are you thinking about having children/more children? If so, I wouldn't count on anything changing even then, so it may not be the kind of family life with him that you would want.

Why is he choosing to work extra?! Is he a workaholic- if so it’s an addiction - is he addicted to the excitement of the job? Do he need to feel needed?
He’s putting his job before you - like drug addicts and alcoholics choose drugs and alcohol over there family.
He’s not listening to you!
What was his childhood like.
Addiction can be about avoiding feelings.
If it’s early days in the relationship it’s not like
likely to get better..,Do you want children? Get ready to do 90% of the work.
Have a good think about what you want.

What works for us (although not perfect by any means):

Accepting that the lion’s share of the childcare is down to me, so that I don’t get annoyed by it. In return, he is very appreciative of all my hard work and notices everything i do, and does what he can with kids/housework when he can (rare).

Counselling for both of us, not just foe this reason, but it has very much helped, esp with his reasons/ motivation for overwork.

DH cares about our relationship as well as his work, so is actively working on cutting back on weekend working/late night working/increasing date nights. This has taken a long time to get to though.

Communication - i tell him when i’m feeling overwhelmed by the pressure of everything caused by him not being there, he listens and makes adjustments to help me out with the things that overwhelm me.

My DH was like that. I felt lonelier with him than I feel now that I am on my own. He will never change, you just need to decide whether this is the life you want. it wasn't for me, and I'm much happier now.