SAHM of 4

[2010rachel29]

How much time do you get for you ?

Does your partner who works help you look after kids , house work etc?

Feeling really under appreciated blew up today tried to explain how was feeling but he. Any seem to get it at all.

I don't get time to my self at all. Everything is on me he thinks because he works and brings money in that is it.

Do all child care.
All cleaning.
All cooking.
All schooling.
Decorating.
Paying bills.
Organizing insurance suppliers etc
Organise all travel flights etc even for when just he is travelling.

Feel so alone all the time. No friends. Feel like am not allowed to have feelings.

Have no one in real life to talk to.

He sp nda money on him self with out any worry. He says I can buy thinks but then is out of the money we have in account which is to pay for food , bills etc.

So am then questioning my self when I think about buying stuff for my self and more often than not end up not buying.

Would you be able to get some help such as a cleaner ? Having 4 children is a lot, especially when they are young. I’m not sure what the answer is, sorry OP.

This in theory would be some of an answer but he works from home and wants the cleaner to come when he is not working which also means is when kids are not at school and means I would still b expect d to have the kids.

I need some way of explaining to him that I need some me time but he can't seem to under stand that he is WFH and works normal hours then the rest of time spends getting fresh air or napping.

Even during periods of time he is not working he just acts like he is single goes out when he wants some times I don't even realised he has gone out till I go to talk to him.

Am needing to vent.

Want to know how others handle the load.

I wonder if you could just go out too for a few hrs as soon as he is done work, text him when you are out and say please look after kids and sort out dinner for them, I will be back later. Unless you demand your time, I don't see him stepping up. You need time to yourself to rewind.

I am also a SAHM of 4. My husband works very long stressful hours including nights and weekends on call, so I do all the kids’ stuff, cooking, shopping, washing, travel and household organising etc which seems fair to me.
BUT we completely share finances - I can buy whatever I want and he wouldn’t dream of questioning it. We have a cleaner once a week who does the housework. And when he is not working he pulls his weight and we both have free time to do our own things.

The thing that stands out to me as unfair from your post is that you aren’t sharing the downtime. I think you need to talk to him about working out a way both of you to get equal amounts of free time when he’s not working.

He goes out whenever he wants but doesn't understand that you need some time out? What a jerk. The only way he's gonna get it is if you tell him you're going out and he needs to look after the kids. And then go. Get angry, demand time to yourself like he gets. And if he won't, leave him, it won't get better

No op that's not normal at all. When he's not working he should be contributing and parenting. You should get equal down time.

Are you also saying you don't have the same access to money?

This is timely! Had a blow-up today for similar reasons as you and I feel your pain!

COVID-related changes have meant I have recently returned to being a SAHM to 4 children and coupled with returning to homeschooling for 3 children (I am in Australia), trying to launch my own business and studying - well it has been a bit of a disaster lately to put it bluntly.

DH has been working more, and so everything relating to the home, children, pets, finances etc. is all down to me. My only break lately is when my study has zoom/workshops, which I have been doing in the car to escape the noise/mess haha.

I know that life can start to revolve around your family/children, but by saying that you need that time to yourself, it is a red flag that change needs to come about now. Depending on finances, how about booking yourself into some classes for example art, yoga, exercise, or creative writing?

I found that this worked well for me in the past when my children were younger as I could let DH know that I was going at a certain time and he was in charge of the children, dinner and house. The classes become something for you to enjoy and concentrate on in a child-free environment (I will be so excited to return to my painting classes post lockdown :).

All the best X

Rereading your message I missed two important issues

1. Finances - your current arrangement sounds unfair and you need to discuss this with your DH soon

1. Equality of freedom - Your DH has got responsibilities as a parent despite his work load and he needs to step up more. You need to carve out some time for yourself to ensure that you get your down time away from the house/children also!

Best thing I ever did to lighten the load, honestly, was to go back to work. I was so sick of everyone increasingly leaning on me to enable their happiness and well-being and career, so I just said one day I’m going back to work, we are all going to have to deal with this. And we did, ive never looked back and couldn’t imagine not working again. It’s time for me, where my work is valued and where I am valued. It has made my family value me more even though it was a fairly drastic response!

So your SAHM role should have the same working hours as he does. You're responsible for childcare during those hours (and with 4 of them, I don't think that will leave much time for housework).

Outside of those hours (i.e. evenings and weekends), childcare and housework should both be split 50:50. Any free time should be split between yourself and your partner. It's absolutely completely unfair if he takes 100% of it.

And you should have access to all family money, not just the money for bills. Suggest turning it around so the money he earns comes into your account and you'll transfer whatever money is needed for bills into the joint account (which he can have access to). Bet he'll shut that suggestion down asap.. but it's no different from what he's doing to you.

@2010rachel29

This in theory would be some of an answer but he works from home and wants the cleaner to come when he is not working which also means is when kids are not at school and means I would still b expect d to have the kids.

I need some way of explaining to him that I need some me time but he can't seem to under stand that he is WFH and works normal hours then the rest of time spends getting fresh air or napping.

Even during periods of time he is not working he just acts like he is single goes out when he wants some times I don't even realised he has gone out till I go to talk to him.

Am needing to vent.

Want to know how others handle the load.

Does he have a room where he WFH? The cleaner could come and do the whole house except that room - that's what ours do.

wants the cleaner to come when he is not working which also means is when kids are not at school and means I would still b expect d to have the kids.

Why would you assume you'd have the kids if he's not working? You need to get out of this default position in your head. Start expecting him to have the kids for half the time.

I would go ahead and arrange a cleaner when best suits you and just tell him when they'll be coming. If he doesn't like it, he can take over responsibility for the cleaning.

Are you married?