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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn’t good is it?

15 replies

Treyusb · 26/08/2021 22:36

I’m a very anxious person. Have all the things looking good on the outside - job, car, house, friends, family, holidays etc but I am genuinely terrible at relationships it seems.

I’ve been seeing someone for 10 months and I feel sick/nervous messaging them to ask about plans. That’s not normal is it? He is evasive and doesn’t confirm things until last minute. Definitely not seeing anyone else and is great when together and often sends nice texts and we speak etc on the phone. But I feel constantly on edge about plans. I want to go on holiday together even if for a couple of nights and i feel worried asking him about it…he wouldn’t suggest it himself.

I’m just not sure if this is me or him? After this long I’ve never had a relationship like this where I’ve felt so unsure.

OP posts:

Lysianthus · 26/08/2021 22:45

I’d be worried that after 10 months you didn’t feel comfortable raising this sort of thing. 10 months is a reasonable time to know if you click, and to have found out enough about one another to know what the other person likes, how they plan, etc. Personally if he/the situation is making you so anxious that is not good. I’d probably have a conversation (cards on table type) because he might well not be able to work out what you want without it being spelled out. I’d hate to be with someone who wasn’t aligned with my thinking, so to speak, but as we all know, some men need a bit of help and direction. It’s up to you what your expectations are, but if this is annoying you now, or anxiety provoking, perhaps he’s not really for you. Hope you find a solution, good luck,

Original poster

Treyusb · 26/08/2021 22:53

Thanks @Lysianthus I have spelled it out, even Sunday night we had a chat and I said it really matters to me that you book a day off for us to have a long weekend together and i said it makes me feel rubbish having to chase him up on this. I asked if he wanted to have a couple of nights away and he said yes definitely he would love and he apologised for being rubbish (his words) and said he would come back to me this week. We’ve had usual texting and I’ve heard nothing from him about booking a day off. It just makes me feel rubbish and like I’m nagging him!

OP posts:

GNCQ · 26/08/2021 22:57

It's probably making you anxious because he doesn't seem especially "passionate" about the relationship. Not surprising you feel insecure. His head seems elsewhere!

Lysianthus · 26/08/2021 23:02

Ok so perhaps leave it a day without responding to his texts. He might get it. He might not. If he says ‘why are you not replying’ you could say something along the lines of ‘you said you would get back to me about our plans to go away’. I don’t think, if you want to remain calm, that you can push him but......if you find yourself bending /accommodating his lack of response, then you’re probably going to end up in a relationship that, from my POV, isn’t worth the effort, long term. You’re worth more than this. If he’s not keen enough to follow through on planning then what future is there? One where you continue to feel the way you do now. Please take care 💐

Sarahlou63 · 26/08/2021 23:14

He spelled it out, even Sunday night we had a chat and he said it really matters to me that you book a day off for us to have a long weekend together and he said it makes me feel rubbish having to chase you up on this. He asked if I wanted to have a couple of nights away and I said yes definitely I would love and I apologised for being rubbish (my words) and said I would come back to him this week.

How does it look from the other side?

seensome · 26/08/2021 23:41

He's not putting enough effort in and you feel it, for the short term I would stop chasing him about the weekend and see what effort he brings in, if he can't do that then you know for sure it's not working long term enough for holidays.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/08/2021 23:43

His behaviour is worsening your anxiety. He’s creating cognitive dissonance - saying nice stuff and reassuring you but never actually following through on what you need. Almost designed to make you feel insecure.

It’s him not you.

Totallydefeated · 27/08/2021 00:27

Agree it’s him and not you. Sounds like he might be avoidant.

Nsky · 27/08/2021 01:43

Leave alone and ignore

Blueberry40 · 27/08/2021 07:02

My DP is like this- he has a mental block when it comes to making plans and I always felt like things were very one sided in that way. As well as this he has a terrible memory for anything to do with dates and gets very stressed about making plans.

Over time I have realised it’s not because he doesn’t want to do these things but that he is planning avoidant he is amazing in lots of ways but this is the chink in his armour. We are both much happier with me organising/planning and just telling him what is happening when. I realise this might sound controlling or strange to some but it really works for us. In the early days though, I did get very frustrated at his forgetfulness and lack of engagement with any plans- I would always have to remind him that he needed to let he know which day/week he could book off work and often had to do this multiple times. As we’ve been together longer, he just sends me his work calendar/rota and I cross check with mine and tell him which days to book off. He genuinely loves this as he hates the planning aspect of doing things.

category12 · 27/08/2021 07:19

It sounds like he makes your anxiety worse.

And speaking to him about things hasn't improved it. It's whether you try giving him a poke - "what about this day off?" Or call it quits, really.

He might be evasive because he's keeping open to "better" offers.

But whatever is going on with him, the current situation isn't good for you.

FinallyHere · 27/08/2021 08:00

He is evasive and doesn’t confirm things until last minute.

This wouldn't work for me. I'd ditch him on this alone. Why do you feel it might be something to do with you? Why are you still with him?

Sorry, so many questions. It's just so simple. Being in a bad relationship is never better than being alone.

Please, set your minimum acceptable baseline higher.

Honeymare · 27/08/2021 08:27

I dated a man like this for a similar length of time. Reading your post brought back how I used to feel; anxious, high (when with him as I adored being in his company), frustrated, self doubting, annoyed, confused, irritated.

He was a really horrible guy to be involved with. His words, voice and demeanour were lovely. His actions were selfish and inconsiderate.

It came to an end after we had discussed a weekend away (his idea). We talked loads about what we might do. I was so excited I started researching and tried to confirm dates for the coming weeks, he flip flopped then became unreachable.

He was really horrible and I regret wasting the time I did on him. I was studying fulltime, doing an industry placement, working a very demanding contract remotely. I used to work very hard and have to plan my week to ensure I got in some friends / family time in and my exercise. It was a stressful period, I became ill shortly afterwards, not sure if it was related.

He used to tell me to go with the flow and not be obsessed with my schedule. I was only ever trying to confirm when I would see him instead of him thinking he could see me on a whim.

I wish I had dumped him after the first time he turned up late with no valid reason instead of bothering to try and reason with him.

Lweji · 27/08/2021 08:30

If this is not a dealbreaker, set a deadline. Tell him that if there are no plans by X time, then you'll make your own plans. And stick to it.

TheFoundations · 27/08/2021 09:10

I think it's important to recognise that if you feel anxiety because of things that are happening in your relationship (this or anything else), it doesn't have to be that one of you is doing something wrong. Pointing the finger at him won't help. Pointing the finger at you won't help.

What you're asking is 'Some people like to do things on the spur of the moment, and some people like to plan; who is at fault?' and the fact is that nobody is.

The issue you're looking at is that when you tell him that something that he does bothers you, he keeps doing it, rather than respecting your feelings. Does he do this with other stuff, or just with planning things? Are there other situations where you feel it's easier to not say what you want, due to the fact that he doesn't respect your wishes?

Don't minimise your feelings. Even if you did point the finger and it was you, do you think that would mean that you should ignore your feelings?

When I said to my counsellor 'Is it just me..?' she said 'YES!!! IT'S YOU!! WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO YOU??!' and it was something of a groundbreaking moment for me! The trick isn't to work out your feelings are 'faulty' and try to ignore/change them. The trick is to accept your feelings, and find relationships that feed the good feelings and don't trigger the bad ones. Don't try to fit your feelings to your people; choose your people to fit your feelings. If you feel anxious a lot around a particular person, create distance between the two of you, and you will create distance between you and anxiety.

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