How do you actually leave?

[PinkFootstool]

I mean, really, actually, pack that bag and go? Where do you go?

I WFH in a civil service role full time - no option to go into a local office. We have 2 dogs and a cat I can't leave behind. "D"H is military and could not have them alone, they'd be alone for days at a time.

There are NO rental properties in available around here. I'm in Cornwall, and each property has easily 50+ applicants for each one as it comes up. Not a chance I'd qualify for council housing in the current crisis.

No family within 600+ miles.

No friends outside the street I live in and they all have multiples kids and no spare rooms, let alone room for my animals or WFH.

I'm so fucking stuck. It's our wedding anniversary, only a few years, and I'm sat here alone in tears yet again. I don't know how much more psychological shit I can take but have literally nowhere to go.

Who has left and where did you go?

NC obv.

If he's serving military, and away a lot... couldn't he go? The military could presumably rehouse him very easily.

What's the status of your property? Rented, owned, whose names? Does he know you want to split up?

No, it's good mortgaged house. We were supposed to be adding me to the mortgage about a year ago, but I've been putting it off as I don't want to be tied to it.

I have tried to talk about it, but he just shits all conversations down. Absolute denial.

I sold my flat 5 years ago. What a fucking idiot.

Ugh, his mortgaged house.
Shuts down conversations.

Do you have an opportunity to buy something? Probably not but you didn't mention it.

It's a long shot but could you try searching for housing co-ops in your area? They often have lower rents. It's likely to be shared housing so may not be a long term option. Still could be more accessible than the private rental situation.

One day at a time, explore each and every option including friends of friends who may have holiday places they rent out - could be more availability as the holiday season starts to wind down.

It's so hard when you're so worn down - but you can get out.

If you're married, it's your house too, name on the mortgage or not. What happened to the equity from your flat?

While it's not fun, you can split and start the divorce process while living together. Could that be an option?

My cousin had to live with her husband for more than 2 years whilst they divorced. Fortunately it was amicable-ish.
They separated the finances apart from the house sale, it was during the 2008 crash so it was a bit difficult to sell and they lost a lot on it. But once sold they properly moved on and the divorce itself was already done. She’s still renting though now as they lost so much equity. But happy at least!

If you WFH can you relocate to somewhere further away where housing is less difficult? If not, you have to legally separate but not physically leave. Get the money out that is yours (short marriage and no kids usually means restoring you back to pre-marriage positions financially, if possible).

Morning all.

No equity from my old flat - I bought with a 100% mortgage and paid interest only for years because I was foolish and frankly too skint to afford the place. I'm always regret selling instead of renting it out.

Housing Co-ops? Do you mean multi-occupancy houses? I've looked at those and would move tomorrow, but again the dogs have to come with me - I could probably blag my elderly cat into somewhere, but not two large dogs.

He's Navy, currently office hours Mon-Fri but that could change overnight.

We ended up talking at 3am when he tried for a cuddle and got short shrift. We were best friends for decades before we got together, and I pointed out that if we were still just best friends, he'd be furious with my husband because of how I'm feeling and being treated all the time. I think that one sunk in a bit.

I'm going to gather as much money as I can so I'm ready to go when the time is comes. I've signed up with a couple of local housings associations to try to buy a part buy part rent house. Not ideal, but at least I could take thing dogs and I'll worry about buying more of the property once I'm in.

I've looked as far north as Liverpool to move and yes, I could buy a house up in, say, Bootle but I'm 40 and know no one up there, just visited our a few times with work. I can't afford to move in Devon or Cornwall or back to Hampshire where I used to live.

I've been a fool to become so enmeshed and not keep an escape fund available, but like so many people I never thought I'd need one.

Are you married to him, @PinkFootstool?

If he is Mon-Fri, 9-5, that could continue for years. You assume that he couldn't possibly look after the dogs , that they'd be alone for days on end, but your partner's work situation doesn't sound that way . He could be working in that Navy office for his whole career.

I'd leave the dogs with him - your entire situation is currently revolving around the dogs rather than yourself.

@ShippingNews yes, he could but he could also be crash drafted tomorrow and it's happened twice. I'm probably too over invested in the dogs, but I've no room to think clearly right now. I love them and don't want want to abandon them. Both are rescues.

Since this morning, the cat's had a retinal hemorrhage and is currently blind in one eye, stumbling around and has dangerously high blood pressure, so I'm a flipping emotional wreck with the last 24hrs.

Apologies OP just came back on this thread - I notice you mentioned your wedding anniversary, so it confirms you are married to him.

As your husband is in the UK military, you can seek support from SSAFA (as the charity covers military and their family). You mentioned looking for rental properties for you to be able to leave the marriage - depending on your financial circumstances, if you have no savings and need the money to be able to put a down payment on a rental flat (such as first 3 months rent upfront) SSAFA may be able to help.

If you think the marriage is retrievable, they could also signpost you and your husband towards marriage counselling - military get plenty of support available, through specific funds set aside for each of the Armed Forces personnel.

They can also advise about your pets.