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Original poster

Aunt wants to constantly stay with me

18 replies

Slythermum · 26/08/2021 19:45

Needing a bit of advice. Similar to a boundaries thing that another poster put up recently in AIBU.

Aunt has a boyfriend who is not a very good boyfriend (and isn't going to leave his wife) Aunt is having some mental health issues. Aunt now wants to stay with me once a month for four or five days for her mental health. Aunt is a bit tricky and manic when she does stay and flies off the handle at any suggestion that the boyfriend isn't leaving the aforementioned wife.

I'm really struggling because she is very persistant about seeing me. I've managed to tell her that staying isn't going to work every month - and certainly not for that length of time. I suppose I'm not sure how else to handle her asking if she can visit. Any thoughts or advice are welcome!

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 26/08/2021 19:50

Simply text her back saying 'that doesn't/won't suit me'. Don't apologise, don't elaborate. No point making up excuses as she'll probably keep pushing. She cannot offer solutions if you don't give her reasons why she cannot stay.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/08/2021 19:56

If you aunt comes to stay with you to help her mental health then your own state of mental health will plummet!

Believe that you are not being selfish by saying no, for a start.

Tell her that you don't feel up to visitors at the moment. Or as the PP said, just say, sorry but you are unable to host her at the moment.

Assuming you don't want her to stay at all? If you do want her to stay, let her know what you are able to offer. But only if you want to, not because she wants to!

GinIronic · 26/08/2021 20:00

Too much drama. Say no. Don’t say sorry. Don’t give a reason or excuse. No. Nope. Nada.

Harvestyo · 26/08/2021 20:11

No that's far too much.

It would impact my own mental health having someone to stay every month for 4-5 days.

picklemewalnuts · 26/08/2021 20:13

I'm sorry Aunty, that won't work.

Original poster

Slythermum · 26/08/2021 22:27

@Harvestyo

No that's far too much.

It would impact my own mental health having someone to stay every month for 4-5 days.

Well, this is the thing, it will affect me and also my partner gets unsettled by her. And we have children. I've said we have too much on and that it's not going to be easy to accommodate her - the last time she stayed one of my dd's had to give up her bed and sleep in the spare room too because it's a loft bed in the spare room so Aunt can't get up there. So I think I'll also say that's not going to work as it's now term time and we need things to be settled. Plus she is messy! Bloody hell.

OP posts:

meanbeany · 30/08/2021 18:49

Does she accept it when you say no?

Rocktheboat87 · 30/08/2021 19:01

Honesty is key here. She is assuming and wrongly so that you would be overjoyed to have her there for 5 days every month. 60 days a year... what are you a hotel?

If she is having mental health issues and needs a break then she could just as easily go stay in a hotel or visit somewhere for the day. I would simply say it's nice to see her but whilst it helps her for 5 days mental health wise it is affecting yours to as it creates extra work load and you have enough to manage.

By all means she could pop over and have lunch or a tea with you but to stay then for such a long period seems unreasonable.

Dontbeme · 30/08/2021 20:11

Agree to meet her half way between your homes for a lunch, walk or whatever when convenient for you, don't risk her coming for tea, getting cozy on your sofa and not budging until morning. Staying one week in every four for her "mental health" is nonsense. Does she not care about upsetting your family routine, expecting you to host and cater to her, and unsettling you and DP enjoyment of your own home? All this for some twat bloke who keeps her on the sidelines and won't leave his wife. She is being selfish, she has chosen this bloke so let her crack on with the consequences of being with him. Anything else is you supporting her to stay in a bad relationship.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/08/2021 20:16

Don't give excuses. Give a flat no. If you have the time or inclination to have her to stay, you'll let her know.

layladomino · 30/08/2021 20:39

You mustn't feel bad at all. It's very reasonable to say that, as the children are going back to school, it's important they have their own rooms and get a good nights sleep every night. That the past 18 months have been tricky for them at school and you need them to have some normality for a good long while to make up for it.

Your DC have to be your first priority.

If your aunt argues against that then she is very selfish.

If she genuinly needs more support for her MH then she would be better served going to see her GP. And there are other ways you can support her, if you're able to and want to - perhaps a meet up for coffee every couple of weeks or a night out once a month.

Emma2021 · 30/08/2021 23:41

Why not get a job and move on and tell her to get one as well. Trust me, when you work and manage a family you rarely have time for any other s.

Rainbowshine · 31/08/2021 14:46

I would say to her that if her mental health is at a point where she needs to leave her home for the best part of a week each month she’d be better off going to see her GP or seeking support from a good counsellor. Staying at yours isn’t possible and it wouldn’t solve the issues either. GP or counselling would be a better option.

Original poster

Slythermum · 19/09/2021 18:57

@Emma2021

Why not get a job and move on and tell her to get one as well. Trust me, when you work and manage a family you rarely have time for any other s.

I have three jobs! I actually used that as the excuse not to have her here. Thanks everyone for this advice. Had another family emergency so actually, our spare bed (which is in my work office space and is a loft bed ) was taken by my lovely niece who is a pleasure to have to stay as she looks after some of the kids and does a bit of housework.

Aunty has asked again since the niece went and I've just used a sot of amalgamation of different reasons from you all and a good dose of avoidance which seems to have nipped it in the bud a bit.

She is too old to get a job but she has started doing some volunteer work, which hopefully will normalise her routine etc. I do find meeting up with her difficult as she talks non stop about the bloke...which is just not going to happen.

"Honesty is key here. She is assuming and wrongly so that you would be overjoyed to have her there for 5 days every month. 60 days a year... what are you a hotel?" - I mean this is so true and so inconvenient. The trouble was at first she was talking about being suicidal so this was her asking for support that I felt obliged to give, but after the first time she stayed it was so exhausting I couldn't cope. Then we had an awkward phase where she would message every day wanting to see me and because of work, and then one of my kids getting covid and spreading it to everyone I couldn't. At that point she was forced to find alternatives and that's where the volunteering has come in. (She's elderly)

Tricky as it is... she has changed a lot. So she used to be this wonderful light and energy bringing person, but I think she is having dementia issues starting as her behaviour has started to become more erratic. No children. So whilst originally I was wanting to support and help her it has become clear that I can't. She's also not my biological aunt, she is the wife of my uncle who died about 10 years ago. So whilst she is family, she isn't direct family - so it's not like I can do a family get together of our relatives and then discuss her ongoing care. Plus she flies off the rails at any suggestion that she isn't in charge of her own life... or that the boyfriend is taking advantage (which I think he is as he apparently has been asking her for money.) But she shouts at any concerns I have.

I have just started to be more distant with her now as it's too much really and sad as I feel about it, she won't allow actual help beyond "I need to be with you constantly for five days at a time because I'm lonely"

OP posts:

grapewine · 19/09/2021 19:06

Listen, your daughter had to give up her room for her. That's not OK over and over. Just say no, it doesn't work with family life.

Original poster

Slythermum · 19/09/2021 22:18

@grapewine

Listen, your daughter had to give up her room for her. That's not OK over and over. Just say no, it doesn't work with family life.

Exactly, it doesn't work with family life. Before reading some of these responses I felt really guilty as I had previously been quite close to her around eight years ago. But she's changed so much since then and this weird relationship she is in has really tipped her over the edge into a decline as she is really struggling with her age and she is using this boyfriend and promise of a future with him as her focus.

I'd not seen her for a while - she had moved away after her husband died and then moved back again (to the next town over from me) about six months ago and was asking for emotional support to get back on her feet. She does have the money for counselling so I am going to suggest she does that too. And I think the volunteering will give her a new social life instead of expecting to slot into my family life when she is so demanding and exhausting.

OP posts:

grapewine · 19/09/2021 23:22

*She does have the money for counselling so I am going to suggest she does that too. And I think the volunteering will give her a new social life instead of expecting to slot into my family life when she is so demanding and exhausting."

That sounds good. I hope you come to an understanding. You can be in her life without her overstepping. Boundaries are your friend, although they can be hard to set. Good luck.

grapewine · 19/09/2021 23:22

Bold fail.

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