Feeling guilt and shame over sexting colleague

[Anon192837]

Just over three years ago I was in a bit of a dark place in my relationship with my DP for a number of reasons and drinking a lot. This isn’t to excuse my behaviour but just to say where my head was at. During that time a married colleague at work started paying me attention and I was so flattered. We started texting which soon led to sexts (usually when I was drunk) and to my now embarrassment very intimate photos being exchanged. He very much led it and kept asking us to meet up which I never ever did but that still doesn’t excuse my behaviour.

It tailed of eventually and we’ve not spoken in two years, and although we work for the same organisation our paths don’t cross.

Since then my relationship with DP has improved dramatically and we’ve had our DS. To start with I didn’t feel too guilty about what I’d done, obviously I felt some guilt and knew it was bad but managed to put it behind me as a mistake.

But now for some reason (probably because I’m a parent) two years on I’m now racked with guilt. I’m obviously feeling a huge amount of guilt after having done that to my partner. I’m also terrified my colleagues in my team will find out and that I’ll have to leave out of embarrassment. I’m also worried (maybe irrationally) that he would have shared the photos with other members of the organisation although he’s given me no reason to suggest he’d do that.

I’ve just gotten myself so anxious and guilty about it I don’t know what to do.

I absolutely can’t believe I acted that way and I’m so ashamed of myself looking back. Both for the cheating (it was only ever messages but I know that’s just as bad) but also that I had such little self esteem that I was willing to share intimate photos of myself for a bit of attention and the high that came with attention.

My drinking has massively reduced and my relationship is so much stronger, looking back it was like a different person.

I just don’t know how to live with this guilt and anxiety.

Am I best to say something?

I’m tempted to move jobs as I think that will help me feel better but I love my job and we are planning a second DC at some point and ideally while I’m still working here as there is a good maternity package.

Please be gentle with me, you can’t make me feel worse than I already do. I’m just looking for advice on maybe others that have similarly done something they regret on whether to speak up and how to live with the guilt.

If you're happy now with your partner and child, don't tell him - if your relationship was at that time in a poor place he may have his own confessions from that era that you don't want to hear.

Plan to move jobs so you can put the whole episode behind you and focus on your family. Glad to hear things are much better for you now.

I agree, this belongs in the past. You could consider some therapy to help you move on if you are really struggling and it is interfering with your enjoyment of the present time?

I did a similar thing with a colleague while I was married to my first husband. The colleague was actually an ex of mine so it was a bit more complicated, but it never went further than texting and a couple of photos. Luckily he left the job fairly soon after and I split with my husband anyway, but that husband and that colleague, yes you guessed it, now work together.

Anyway, that's my headfuck and all this was years ago. I have no reason to believe that the colleague ever shared anything and I certainly don't think he would tell my ex, there would be literally no point, but I'm still pretty horrified by my behaviour when I think about it. It wouldn't matter now, both me and the ex are remarried and it's all ancient history, but I know it would hurt him and I don't want that for him.

In my case, it was a symptom of an unhappy marriage. I wanted out and I think I was engineering a scenario which would push me to leave, and it did I suppose. I was also drinking a lot which I now don't.

In your case it sounds like you and your DH have worked through things and moved on. Yeah what you did was bad, but there would be no benefit to anyone for you to tell him. It would just hurt him and mess up your family and I don't even think you would feel any better. Like I say, this is was all years ago for me and there would be literally no consequences if my ex found out, but I still don't feel better about it really. It is what it is.

I think you need to suck it up and forget it. Don't blow your life up over this. But don't ever do it again!

Am I best to say something?

Why? Because you want your partner to wash the guilt / shame feelings away?

That isn't what will happen.

Or do you think being punished by hitting destruct on your life will make the feelings go away? Still won't work.

As an observation, it sounds like your work colleague targeted somebody he could see was vulnerable and would be easy to manipulate and exploit.

No good will come of telling him now. Write down your confession and then burn it or throw it into the wind. Choose a really unpleasant chore and do it uncomplainingly - its your penance. And then let it stay in the past.

@evianlion thank you, those are all really useful observations!

You made a mistake...a very silly one...thankfully nothing physical happened between you. I really think you put it in the imaginary pile entitled. 'silly mistakes we all make' and move on. You can feel guilty as much as you like but it won't change a thing...its happened, now its time to forgive yourself and move on. Don't let a past mistake destroy the new found happiness that you have. Leaving the job will probably bring closure but tread cautiously so as not to jeopardise your possible great maternity package.

I agree with all pp but I also suffer with anxiety op and see how this would make you feel. You need to minimise it more in your head... it was only texting etc... if he was going to share the pics it would have been 2 years ago, not now. Plus if he's married he will not have held on to them. Its ultimately your call but I can't see any good coming from telling him