Is this common/would you tolerate it?

[dreamcup]

Pretty new to OLD and not been on any dates yet but chatting to a few guys over the last couple of months.

Regardless of who starts the chat i always feel like I end up leading the chat, i.e. quizzing/interviewing them.

For example, 1st few messages will be normal enough but they'll reply without asking a question back, so I'll need to ask another, they reply, I ask another etc

I've got to the stage where I don't entertain this anymore, and if they reply with a few words, or don't show any interest in me, I move on.

I've always assumed they just weren't that interested in me or they'd make an effort

I was chatting to a colleague today who has previously done OLD and she said this is just how men are, and it's not a sign of whether or not they're interested. Her view is that if they aren't interested they won't even reply?

Just feel like I'm flogging a dead horse with some of the chats.

Interestingly a few weeks ago, I was chatting to someone and is most recent reply was "yeah" and that was it!!
I gave up on him but over a week later he got in touch with "where did you disappear to?" And made out I was the one being rude. I replied saying that his level of effort gave me the impression he wasn't that interested and he seemed confused about where I got that impression from!!

Oh god, yes, this was exactly my experience! I found it draining and boring so ended up giving up with OLD. And often it seemed like even if someone messaged me first their initial message wouldn't have a question in it, which made it hard to reply to start a conversation. Like, often their first message would just be hi - how do you get things going from that. At most I'd get three or four messages before it dried up.

Yeah I hate this. I am not investing time and effort if it's not reciprocal. Now I just don't bother. I give them enough opportunity to step up and show some interest in my life, if they fail at this I move on.

Many men spend their life thinking they are the centre of the world and it shows in the lack of interest in others

@fuzzymoomin exactly! No matter how much effort I'd make to find something to chat about if it's not reciprocated it ends up feeling like an interview!

@Tish008 it's like we're supposed to be grateful that they're replying in the 1st place!

At least it's not just me!!

I think you need to realise that what you're asking is 'Should I get into a relationship with a man who I feel shows no interest in me?'

It doesn't matter what's common or what anybody else would tolerate. If the word 'tolerate' is anywhere near a relationship at this stage, just dodge it.

True!!

It seems so common at the chat shame and I guess I wondered if men could be like this when chatting then completely different IRL

Also, if you're giving up on someone as they're not showing any interest do you just stop messaging? The first time I did that it was almost like he called me out for being rude for not messaging him back when the only reply he'd sent me in his previous message was "yeah"

I'm not doing OLD or any kind of dating for that matter.
But I have heard other women say that the best way to tackle OLD is one or two messages or a couple of days of messages and then arrange a date to see if you like each other. Lots of dates, not much chat beforehand.

I don't know anything about it though, just thought I'd chime in.

@dreamcup

True!!

It seems so common at the chat shame and I guess I wondered if men could be like this when chatting then completely different IRL

Also, if you're giving up on someone as they're not showing any interest do you just stop messaging? The first time I did that it was almost like he called me out for being rude for not messaging him back when the only reply he'd sent me in his previous message was "yeah"

The real question is whether you want a man who impresses you from the get-go, or not. And if not, why not?

Why do you care that 'yeah-man' called you out? Who cares what he thinks? Someone who can only be bothered to construct a sentence when they want to criticise you isn't worthy of further headspace, is he?

No- you shouldn’t tolerate it, but you should match energy with energy. You shouldn’t once feel like you are interviewing or carrying the conversation.

Once I matched with a man- I would let him message me (if he doesn’t message you, he isn’t interested).
Any sex talk or lechy comments - blocked.
Chat for a day or so on app, then wait to be asked out.
If not asked out- don’t even bother following it up, he doesn’t care.
Have a nice date- then see where that does, either a ‘no thanks’ or continue dating.

People both irl and online thought my approach is ‘1950s’ and pretty cut-throat and unforgiving of shy men….but I’m not interested in shy men, nor do I want to waste time arranging dates or meet-ups for people who clearly aren’t very into me.

Don’t get drawn into messaging ping pong, if a man is keen he will arrange to see you. If he doesn’t, he’s not interested in dating you.

It makes me then cram too much info on a message as I want to covey loads and get them to respond appropriately!

Unless you want OLD to be the biggest timewaster of your life I recommend after max 2-3 "introductory" messages between you (assuming their profile ticked your boxes and they are polite etc) you arrange a date.

Suggesting coffee is always a good option as its not committing a big chunk of your time.

If they decline they are off the list.

The guys who just sat Hi are painful.
The only caveat I would add here is that some men just find online dating awkward and don’t get that they need to keep asking questions too. I gave up talking to my now husband on Tinder because he didn’t ask many questions and I felt the conversation was dragging. I then happened to meet him in person at a Christmas party a few months later and he was full of life. I didn’t even realise it was the same person until I looked back at the messages

@YorkshireGirl35

The guys who just sat Hi are painful. The only caveat I would add here is that some men just find online dating awkward and don’t get that they need to keep asking questions too. I gave up talking to my now husband on Tinder because he didn’t ask many questions and I felt the conversation was dragging. I then happened to meet him in person at a Christmas party a few months later and he was full of life. I didn’t even realise it was the same person until I looked back at the messages

I wondered if some of them don't get it which is why I've been cutting them some slack til now. I want to be chatting to someone who's excited to chat to me & vice versa - surely if they were interested it would come naturally and they wouldn't feel like it was something they 'should' do?

Oh and never, ever feel obliged to reply to a message that makes you feel uncomfortable, bores you or is non-committal. Any comeback like "why are you ignoring me" - instant block. You are not there for anyone's entertainment.

I was going to say the same as RubyFowler and SpintheTeacups.

With the caveat that I did all my dating before OLD, the whole concept of "chatting" by text to someone you've not met yet sounds like it is always going to be hard work.
Is there a reason why, after a few questions, people don't arrange to meet for a coffee or something, to actually meet the real person? I find 'chatting' to someone via any sort of social media much easier if I've met someone F2F. Maybe some of these people are the same?

Yes so much of this wading through tar "conversations" with OLD. I gave it up in the end but before that I made a rule for myself to let myself get drawn into these conversations anymore.

I figured that I want someone I can have an engaging chat with. I want someone who is interested in me and my life and is able to be open about themselves and their life. Conversation naturally flows and ebbs but I felt it should be a natural thing coming from both sides so if it felt strained past the initial awkward introduction stages it was a no from me.

Why bother if I'm not getting what I want as part of the bargain? If anyone questioned it I'd just say something like "you seem lovely but this isn't for me" and if need be block or report any nasty replies.

The ones that were very bad chatting OLD and seemed disinterested never got to the phone call stage.

Think about what it is you want and aim for that. If it's not what you want and isn't making you happy what does it matter if your friend thinks "that's just how men are"?

to not* let myself get drawn in - ugh

It’s difficult because I know at times I felt like OLD was a chore, it can be really time consuming alongside work, trying to have a social life etc. So maybe sometimes I didn’t come across amazingly well. I would try and take a break whenever it got too much like that for me though.

I do agree with what @SpinTheTeacups said though. I would try and meet quite quickly and always for something like coffee at first. That’s enough to see if there’s a spark without sitting through an awkward dinner date or spending weeks building someone up in your head only to be disappointed

I think you've got your head screwed on, if they aren't engaging with questions and suggesting to meet then they're not interested, I don't agree with your colleague. I wouldn't respond to 'yeah' either. Men that come back after a few weeks, I'm not convinced that are truly interested in you, rather they have run out of options and looking for more attention, if interested they never would of stopped the conversation in the first place.