Dating while co-parenting

[Hatchee]

My ex and I have a 50/50 custody-sharing arrangement for our daughter, 10. Our divorce was amicable, and we get along well as co-parents. That involves frequent communication, typically on practical matters.
When dating, I struggle to find people who are comfortable with this. There are usually positive statements at first - it's great that I'm committed to doing what's best for my child, etc - but when we actually get into daily life, it's more problematic. I try to be open and explain my situation - the reason communication is so drama-free now is that our separation wasn't bitter or angry, it was two people who had stopped having any feelings for each other long before we separated. But that doesn't really help. I was even told by one recent girlfriend that she understands I have no feelings for my ex, but that the level of communication itself is the problem regardless.
One thought I've had is that, without intending to, I've dated either women without kids or mothers who have their kids most of the time and have more difficult relationships with their exes. Perhaps somebody in a situation more similar to mine would be more understanding.
For the most part though, I'm really frustrated by this. I'm not willing to compromise on the way I parent; I would rather be alone and do what's best for my daughter than compromise that to make a partner more comfortable. But I would like to find somebody who isn't threatened by what I know as a purely functional co-parenting relationship.

I realise you're asking for female opinions but thought I'd chip. I've at times felt that there is a choice to be made between a new relationship or prioritising the kids. I don't have my kids as much as you either. About 20-25% of the time.

I think a lot of women don't like the idea of dealing with another woman or their kids which by proxy they feel is kind of the same thing.

Realise this sounds a bit harsh but that's my experience.

@Hatchee is the contact about your child or do you phone each other for chats and still do things as a family?

To be honest, it's like having a ready made time waster filter. If they can't deal with the communication that's in place for the best of your child, they're probably not going to understand the sacrifice that comes with the territory. As long as you're as understanding if they have children and make sure you do you utmost to help her feel secure in your relationship

We do exist. My boyfriend has his kids 4 days out of 7 - I’m fine with her contacting him, they have two kids. The only thing I have a problem with, and I’ve kept it under my hat so far, is that the default position is that he has them Friday and Saturday nights, so she gets to go out with her new man on those nights.
I haven’t met the kids yet and am in no rush to. That’s not to say I don’t care or want to meet them but at just over a year in, we enjoy that it’s just us two at the moment. But it does mean that we have to have “something on” for him to change days which is fine, but it means we don’t do anything impulsive like go for a meal on an evening, because most restaurants near me don’t open for dinner on Sunday nights, which is when I usually see him. One for us to tackle at some point. I don’t worry about the contact though - it’s mainly logistics, school stuff etc, and they split up four years ago.

It depends on the level of communication. If it's basic times and dates, purely practical and necessary exchange of information, then that's fine, but if your relationship with your ex is so close it is more relaxed and more affectionate than with your new gf, obviously that will make new gf draw comparisons.

And maybe the new gf dreams of creating a family with you one day, that involves you and her, not you, her and ex.

I co-parent with my ex, we are amicable but we don't chat, we text, keep it short and that's enough.

My dp chats with his ex, I chat with my ex, we both agree that our respective children benefit from amicable relationships, and that's the important thing. We look after each others pets, we do family get together for important occasions etc. We have been together around 10 years and despite speaking to my ex pretty much daily, my DP is the love of my life and I absolutely worship him, as he does me.

Thanks, this is all so helpful!
I don't really chat with my ex on the phone - virtually all communication is done via text and Messenger. And it's all very practical - pick-ups and drop-offs, who's paying for what, school stuff etc. The only time we actually talk is when one of us is picking up or dropping off at the other's house. We very rarely do things with the three of us, usually around some big event in DD's life (we both took her for ice cream after the first day of school, for example.)
I guess I'll just stay out there and hope to meet somebody who's more receptive to my situation.

@SweatyBetty20

We do exist. My boyfriend has his kids 4 days out of 7 - I’m fine with her contacting him, they have two kids. The only thing I have a problem with, and I’ve kept it under my hat so far, is that the default position is that he has them Friday and Saturday nights, so she gets to go out with her new man on those nights. I haven’t met the kids yet and am in no rush to. That’s not to say I don’t care or want to meet them but at just over a year in, we enjoy that it’s just us two at the moment. But it does mean that we have to have “something on” for him to change days which is fine, but it means we don’t do anything impulsive like go for a meal on an evening, because most restaurants near me don’t open for dinner on Sunday nights, which is when I usually see him. One for us to tackle at some point. I don’t worry about the contact though - it’s mainly logistics, school stuff etc, and they split up four years ago.

Wow, that's a rough schedule. My ex has DD every Friday night, but that was something we both agreed on and we rotate Saturdays. Never having a weekend is absolutely something I would say something about. And I'm with you on not rushing into meeting the kids. I have yet to let a gf meet my daughter and it would have to be a situation I felt really good about before that ever happened. Plus, what's the rush? Good to enjoy being a grownup on the nights I don't have parenting responsibilities.

Someone said to me, “once you let them in, they’re in”. I like it that it’s just the two of us for now, but am aware that if it continues to go well then it won’t always be like that. If we stay together then there may be parties, graduations, weddings etc that we may all attend, and it’s in everyone’s interests to get on.

I don’t have kids, and we are late 40’s/early 50’s, so won’t be having any. I lived on my own for 20 years, am v independent, and we made a deal that we wouldn’t stop each other doing stuff independently. He won’t travel for 3 weeks without the kids, but wouldn’t stop me jetting off to Nepal to trek or visiting friends in Australia. I don’t kick off when he goes away with the kids for a fortnight.

One thing I do like is that he and their mum made a deal that when they have the kids, they deal with everything - dentist, trips to A&E, etc. The non- resident parent gets a break. There are also no nightly phone calls - both kids have phones they can text from if they need contact with their dad or mum, but it’s a habit they decided not to start.

Yeah you will generally find that those that don't have children won't want to have to put up with someone else's children and the exes in a relationship full stop, find someone with children and they will understand what is involved. There's just to many restrictions in what you can do and where you can go when someone has children, not really what a single person without children wants to have to put up with in a relationship unfortunately. It causes alot of hassle/drama/problems usually, which is never good for any relationship and partners won't stick around if your not in the same life position as each other.

You need to look for someone who has a hobby or work that takes up a reasonable amount of their time.

So someone with a bog stand 9-5 job won't suit you but someone with a senior role where they have to work long hours probably would. Alternatively someone with a sporting hobby where they are busy training and competing.

I personally noticed a lot of successful relationships over the years like this.

That way the restrictions around you having your child and dealing with your ex won't impact on your partner as much as you will also be working around their life as well.

Or just wait a few years until your child is a teenager as then there is no reason for you to have so much communication with your ex, as your child should be able to speak for herself about her needs.

Finally the last reason is harsh but the issue may not actually be your ex at all but how you parent your child and your individual child's poor behaviour. There is a lot of poor parenting out there. I know people who have dumped someone over their poor parenting and/or their child's awful behaviour. They have told their ex-partner this, but the ex-partner only heard the other reasons and refused to acknowledge the real reason.

Sorry I should add I was a step-child and now am a step-mother. I also know and have known loads of other step-parents throughout my life.

Oh and make sure your potential partners are your age or slightly older as you tend to be more realistic about people having past relationships and "baggage" the older you are.

Yes, I hear you. I also have a lot of contact with my ex - our kids are small, they have SEN and for that reason even if they're not staying with him he tries to see them for an hour or so and if not facetimes.
It's best for them. It's not always easy for me but I suck that up. But it doesn't make sense to others.