Am i to blame? Is this cheating?

[Foralwaysandforever]

For some background, I’ve grown up being over sexualised, stalked, and assaulted many times. I’ve previously put up with a lot of situations I shouldn’t have, but the one I mention now is different.

Once I started college, I felt so low. I had no friends, although I did have my wonderful boyfriend, he had his friends and I knew I needed my own. There was only 5 people on my college course, including myself. One guy began talking to me and I realised we shared a lot of interests and we hit it off. We shared numbers, as I did with some other people on my course, too. I didn’t text him anymore than I text other people in the beginning. My boyfriend was cool with this, but just warned me to be careful as I was 18 and he was nearly 30, so there was a bit of a weird age difference.

Things got weird when, on a college trip, he had asked me to sit next to him on the way home. I did, as we could have more time chatting, but he started putting him hand on my leg. I froze, and didn’t know how to react due to this happening so many times with other people in the past.

For some reason, after this incident I carried on talking to him. We spoke a bit more regularly now and he knew I was very much in love with my partner. I told him I loved him platonically and he was my best friend.

For my birthday, he said he would take me out for a meal, I said yes as long as he knew it wasn’t a date and that it was just a friendly thing. I went to the toilet and when I came back to my table and had a drink, I began feeling very ill. I said I wanted to leave, his house was around the corner so he took me back there until my dad could fetch me. At this point I could hardly stand up and he said we had to have sex because he had paid for my meal and I owe it to him. I joked it off, and said haha you wish. My dad fetched me at this point.

He began talking to me about sex, and how much he wanted to have sex with me, and I didn’t shut him down, I just joked along or said something like “omg don’t say that” “my boyfriend wouldn’t like that” or sometimes, after a lot of pressuring, I’d say “don’t tempt me” even though there was no romantic or sexual feelings for him at all, I was just scared to say no and maybe a littl grateful to have someone who thought so highly of me. He asked if I’d had sexual dreams about him and I said “maybe ;)” even though I hadn’t, I was just scared to shut him down. I started speaking to him about girls, and saying I wish he would get a girlfriend so he would get the picture, as well as how happy me and my boyfriend were (although he told me I couldn’t tell him about that).

After this, what followed was a series of instances of rape/ sexual abuse interspersed with overwhelming love, affection and gifts. As well as him telling me how bad my boyfriend was for me.

I spoke to him almost constantly even around my boyfriend and for some reason couldn’t see what was wrong. I really liked him as a friend (NO feelings at all) and allowed him to push boundaries with me, and only just realised how disrespectful I was being to my relationship.

As soon as I realised how wrong this was, I left the college and blocked his number. Now, two years later I’m more obsessed with how I think I’ve cheated on my partner than the actual abuse, and I need help understanding what this situation was. Grooming? Abuse? Manipulation? Or just me being unfaithful?

Taking the time to comment this had made me feel so much better, I will truly listen to what you said and I can’t thank you enough.

That's OK love. I know how awful it can feel to spiral into a guilty feeling even when your partner says it's OK. Can make you feel like you're going mad at times.

But, honestly, you were manipulated by a bad man. He knew he was wrong. You were afraid and maybe led astray by behaviour patterns imprinted from past trauma.

You have to push it away from your mind and allow yourself to move on. Time will heal, but only if you let it. Stop stewing over it and thinking about it all.

Be kind to yourself, treat your mind and body well. Love your partner. Look to the next adventure and not the past. Next time it comes to mind, think of a good memory/ thing instead. Do that every time. Eventually you'll stop thinking about it as much.

This is so horrible and so sad. I had an experience with a 'friend' who is around the same age as me - we were in our thirties - and it scrambled my head, he was relentless, had me constantly reeling and trying to fix things, say the right thing, he was my best friend but also compelled me to go towards a sexual relationship even though I knew it wasn't right.. I had to have counselling to fully unpack everything that had happened because I was so twisted around and manipulated.

This man groomed you and I'm so sorry he raped you and abused you. Please do seek some counselling (I recommend Transactional Analysis and person-centred counselling), I truly hope you can find peace and a strong sense of self in the end. Your boyfriend sounds really decent, by the way. Be gentle with yourself; please.

I'm very torn on this.

Strictly you were an adult and went willingly for meals with him (why?) - seems odd if you did not fancy him? And you had a boyfriend. That bit I find very odd. Did you enjoy playing games between them both?

@CorianderBee

I think you were a vulnerable young women who sue to her history didn't know how to put up appropriate boundaries and was therefore manipulated, harassed and abused by an older man who knew exactly what he was doing.

You didn't cheat, you were groomed.

Isn't grooming for children? Unless op has severe learning difficulty it cannot be grooming?

Some of your responses to the things this man was saying to you were not wise ones, and I agree that you might need to get some counselling to help you to set boundaries very clearly.

It is hard to do that when you are fixed on the idea of making people happy all the time. I am sure that initially you felt flattered by this man's attention and found it hard to rebuff him. But you know better now and need to put this behind you.

It would be good if you could move on and just enjoy your boyfriend. It may be that some of the things that have happened might help you to move on from this and know how to react to someone who oversteps the boundaries right at the beginning so things progress no further.

This older man took advantage of you feeling vulnerable - of feeling that you must please everyone. He behaved very badly and now that you know what to do I hope you will be able to move forward and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend.

You might want to educate yourself about the effects of trauma on boundaries for people with the kind of history OP has, before blundering in @Imnewhere1991

Things like:
"1. It is difficult for you to ask for what you want and need and hard to say ‘NO’ to others when you would like to.

1. It is easier to take care of other people’s needs and desires than your own. It is also easier to go along with them than express your own opinions.

1. Other people seem to know you better than you know yourself. They also seem to know what is best for you.

1. It is hard to make decisions because you frequently don’t know how you are feeling or what you think about important things.

1. When feelings are present they are so strong that they are overwhelming. It is difficult to control the ‘volume’, to turn feelings up or down and still be in touch with them.

1. Relationships seem to be one-way and you always put more into them than you get out of them. But even though you’re not getting what you want, you stay with them just the same.

1. Other people’s moods have a big effect on you because you feel responsible for them. When they are happy, you are happy. When they are sad or angry, you blame yourself!

1. Disturbing thoughts or memories keep popping into your awareness and sensations occur in parts of your body for no apparent reason.

1. Concentrating and paying attention are often difficult. You are too easily distracted or influenced by things going on around you.

10. Learning from your own mistakes is not easy. You seem to keep making the same errors in judgment repeatedly, and you have little confidence in your own experience.

11. Other people seem to have a better grasp on reality than you do, so you depend on them to tell you what is true and real.

12. People can take or borrow things from you without returning them or repaying you. What’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is theirs."

OP is clearly in pain and has been through a lot, so it's really not helpful or kind to post as you have done.

@Imnewhere1991

Adults grooming adults is sadly common too. This article explains it well speakfully.com/blog/signs-of-grooming-in-the-workplace

Your posts were so dismissive and victim blaming. You should think before you post. To a rape victim of all people. Or maybe have a Google of terms like 'adult grooming' for example on a thread like this, it only takes a minute.

Of course it's not your fault if you were raped, but I'm really struggling to see how alarm bells didn't go off from the very beginning and why you repeatedly continued to see someone who had made it clear that he wasn't your friend and only wanted to sleep with you. I can't get my head around you pretending that you wanted to sleep with him too ("don't tempt me") and continuing to joke about it with him. It's not your fault but you should have removed yourself from the situation and I don't understand why you didn't? Honesty, if my partner hadn't removed himself from the situation from the start (at the leg touching and sexual comments) I'd consider that cheating. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but because it seems like maybe you need to work through some stuff with a professional, like why you continued to spend time with this guy, why you felt the need to pretend to reciprocate, etc. Maybe there's some issues to be dealt with?

ffs!
Did you read catergory12's post...

On any Mumsnet thread about this kind of topic, it's only a matter of time before people stride in with the sole intention of causing harm and distress.

I was surprised we lasted as long as we did, to be honest.

Ignore them please, OP, they're either clueless or intentionally trying to cause upset.

@Balonzette you’re so lucky to have had such sheltered life that you have no idea how trauma can affect you.

Maybe use your imagination and compassion. It will help.

[quote RacistAngst]@Balonzette you’re so lucky to have had such sheltered life that you have no idea how trauma can affect you.

Maybe use your imagination and compassion. It will help.[/quote]
Oh don't be so utterly pathetic. You obviously have no idea about me or my life. Do you think it helps people to encourage them not to try to be assertive in dangerous situations and to tell them that nothing could ever have been done differently? Because it really doesn't. It might make you feel all smug and superior and oh-so-kind, but really you're just saying what you think is the right thing. Sometimes people have issues they need to work through and need to be proactive in learning to remove themselves from dangerous situations. I know this from experience. It doesn't help anyone to pretend this isn't possible. In fact, it's very dangerous. won't be returning to read your ignorant reply just fyi. Bye.

Hey. This issue wasn’t that I didn’t know it was wrong, it is something I’m trying to work on. What the issue was is whether or not I was cheating. I really don’t want arguments, I’m simply struggling really badly at the moment.

@Balonzette everyone on this thread has absolutely advocated OP to seek professional help. Your message, on the other hand, was unkind and thoughtless and obviously displayed a lack of understanding of trauma.

Thank you ❤️ I’ve had this most places I’ve posted, so I’m used to it now. I think it’s just people online

No actually I believe that putting people down, making feel crap and that they are stupid isn’t helpful
And that what they need is support.

Not that strangely, that’s so what works in a professional capacity too 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Sorry that was to @Balonzette

@Foralwaysandforever keep going.
Reach out for help. Ask your friend to guide you. He sounds supportive and understanding. Trust him.
It will be so much easier fir you to deal with this crap (the recent and nit so recent) with support rather than on your own.

Thank you so so much❤️