How would you feel if your partner said this to you

[beadsofregret]

.... 'Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like?' .....

Depends on context and tone.

Confused. We have a healthy relationship and know many.

Context?

If he did something that unintentionally hurt you... Crossed a boundary of mine that he didn't know about, that I would have thought was very off limits for a relationship. Not a dumping offence but not acceptable in any way. He could see the error of his ways immediately and wasapologetic and reversed his plans straight away.
I said this to him and he looked horrified.
I feel guilty.

@beadsofregret

If he did something that unintentionally hurt you... Crossed a boundary of mine that he didn't know about, that I would have thought was very off limits for a relationship. Not a dumping offence but not acceptable in any way. He could see the error of his ways immediately and wasapologetic and reversed his plans straight away. I said this to him and he looked horrified. I feel guilty.

This is a mess. This could be something dreadful or something innocuous.

If you genuinely think he doesn't know what a healthy relationships looks like and does things incompatible with one, that's absolutely a dumping offence.

How did you feel when he said it, OP? Can you put it into words?

@TheFoundations

How did you feel when he said it, OP? Can you put it into words?

Um she said it to him. Why the assumption?

He was keeping text contact with an ex sporadically. Basic light interaction ... how are your kids/ work / looking for advice etc. Nothing untoward or sinister but no reason for contact every few months. It was she who always contacted first. It didn't end well.She treated him like shit and stole from him.
He was a mess for a year afterwards. They are finished three years.

Crossed a boundary of mine that he didn't know about, that I would have thought was very off limits for a relationship

So if I'm following, you think that him not assuming you would have that boundary means he doesn't understand what a healthy relationship looks like? I mean come on. That's basically saying if someone has a different boundary to you then there's something fundamentally wrong with their relationship models...

If you said that to me - especially after I'd apologised for inadvertently upsetting you - I'd be very 😒 and wondering if you were a bit of a black and white thinker, and what that would mean for our relationship.

If someone said that to me I would feel like it was condescending

If he already apologised there was no need for that additional dig

X post

Yeah that is absolutely not a boundary that everyone would take as a given. I would find your reaction overboard and your parting shot frankly outrageous.

Sounds like you have overreacted hugely. He has replied to someone who has texted him, he isn't chasing her. How is he supposed to know you find this such a boundary if you hadn't told him? If you trust him then what's the problem? I actually think you sound more in the wrong than him here unless you have more to drip feed.

@Bluntness100

Um she said it to him. Why the assumption

An error.

Massive overreaction, considered controlling when a man does it. Add to that the patronising dig about healthy relationships and I think you owe him an apology op

No more to drip feed. I do feel like I was in the wrong and generally we enjoy a very happy healthy exclusive relationship so I will apologise as I still
Feel bad for saying it and it was unfair. Thanks

@beadsofregret

He was keeping text contact with an ex sporadically. Basic light interaction ... how are your kids/ work / looking for advice etc. Nothing untoward or sinister but no reason for contact every few months. It was she who always contacted first. It didn't end well.She treated him like shit and stole from him. He was a mess for a year afterwards. They are finished three years.

That's his boundary to maintain if he chooses, then. Not yours.

If you were really concerned that light contact with her might mess him up, you can express that concern to him in a sympathetic way, not tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and make digs about not knowing what a healthy relationship is (which sounds a bit like gaslighting, especially since you know his previous relationship was unhealthy).

It's absolutely not a boundary you can assume, so many people I know are in light contact with exes.

I am a black and white thinker when it comes to continued contact between exes with whom a person took so long to recover from and was left a mess that took a long time to heal from.

It sounds a bit gaslighty to me, like you’re trying to make him question everything, about all of his relationships in the past, his upbringing etc. I’d be very upset if someone said it to me

So refreshing to see a poster actually take on board people's responses

Were you suggesting that he doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like because he keeps occasional contact with an ex?

@beadsofregret

I am a black and white thinker when it comes to continued contact between exes with whom a person took so long to recover from and was left a mess that took a long time to heal from.

That's their decision. Not yours.

You do owe an apology. Well done for admitting that. It's rare.

@beadsofregret

No more to drip feed. I do feel like I was in the wrong and generally we enjoy a very happy healthy exclusive relationship so I will apologise as I still Feel bad for saying it and it was unfair. Thanks

Mature response

I appreciate the truthful and honest replies of posters on here and always appreciate posters taking time
To reply. The general
Consensus has rarely been wrong when I've posted. I have a habit of projecting as I myself was treated terribly and cheated on by my now exh and the damage was huge.
It was nasty and shitty of me and I'll see him tonight to apologise.