Hi 👋 not sure where to start so here goes, I got married to my first husband when we where both very young, had 2 children and thought we where happy, anyway it didn’t last long as I found he was cheating throughout the relationship. He broke my heart, my kids heart and left me high and dry. I swore to myself never to trust again and that I would never marry again. Fast forward about a year and half and I met my now husband told him about my past relationship and how much it messed me up and he swore he would never hurt me, in time I started to trust again he was great with my kids, there dad hasn’t bothered since we divorced, and we went on to have 2 more children. We married 8 years ago and everything was great. About 4 years ago I lost someone very close to me it was unexpected and came as a massive shock. I had grief counselling for around a year and luckily came out the other side. I enrolled back into education and everything was, I thought, great. Anyway 2 years ago on the anniversary of the death I was buying some bits for a little annual memorial that we hold and had arranged a night without the kids to have some fun with my husband and try and not dwell on things. As we where getting ready my husband left his phone on the bed and a messages pinged up I thought it maybe something to do with the children so checked his phone. However, it was another women and he was logged into a swinging app. I felt like I had been hit by a bus! As I scrolled through the messages there were loads of different women, full conversations with them all and very explicit pics being sent both ways, it made me sick he’d been at it for years, dating sites, swingers groups the lot! I obviously confronted my husband and made him leave for a while until I got my head around it. He had been working away a lot and not really kept in contact so obviously I was suspicious that he had been meeting these women, something which he denies.
The kids were distraught with him leaving and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t there as I obviously didn’t want to tell them why. I haven’t told anyone. He came back to the family home and we tried to work it out, promised he wouldn’t do it again blah blah blah anyway I believed him. About a year later I picked up his phone to google something as mine was getting fixed and he’s been looking at porn, a lot very young skinny women. And here I am a year later no trust left, very low self esteem feeling like shit things in the past that I had worked really hard on. Now he thinks things are fine but they’re not it’s still in my head and I can’t seem to move past it, I feel stuck and sad. I always thought I could trust him, he used to say if you cheated on the mother of your kids you was also cheating them! I just feel stupid and that I should of ended it at the time and now it’s too late. Don’t really know why I’m posting but it feels so good to get it off my chest as like I said I’ve never shared this with anyone as he’s made me look such a f&@£n idiot xx