Going on a date. History of abuse. Some advice needed please. Thanks.

[GoingOnADateToday]

Going on a date today. This is someone I know in real life so not an online date

I come from a background of abuse - both familial and relationships. I'm nc with parents. How do I respond to questions or engage in conversations about family and relationships?

Thanks

Would you feel comfortable with something like "I'm not close to my family but I've got lovely friends who are brilliant!" And then change the subject / steer it away?

Do not tell someone on a first date about previous abuse. It leaves you open to abusive men who will see you like a lamb to slaughter.

Just say not close with family keep it vague same with relationships no need to go into detail why it ended on a first date, keep the conversation light hearted, talk about work, hobbies, future goals.

Keep it vague. 'Oh we arent close anymore, we're just very different people' then change the subject.

Never mention a history of abuse to a new person in your life as it can be a gren flag for then to abuse you if they are so inclined.

I'd keep it out of discussion for at least 6 months ideally. But certainly dont mention it during the just dating stages.

Do not tell someone on a first date about previous abuse. It leaves you open to abusive men who will see you like a lamb to slaughter.

Yes, I know. That's why I asked. I just wasn't sure how to respond.

These are great ideas. Thank you!

@GoingOnADateToday

Do not tell someone on a first date about previous abuse. It leaves you open to abusive men who will see you like a lamb to slaughter.

Yes, I know. That's why I asked. I just wasn't sure how to respond.

These are great ideas. Thank you!

Sorry, I didn't mean it to come across as patronising or anything - just so important for people to remember

No, I know you weren't. And I appreciated the suggestion

I think I'll probably say something along the lines of not being close anymore as we are very different people.

As for relationships I'll just keep that vague too.

I think I've been guilty of sharing too soon in the past. I just need to stick to my boundaries without explaining them.

If it's a man, he probably won't ask! Took mine a year to realise I never saw my parents.

Normally , I'd agree but we knew each other 20+ years ago as teenagers - we've met each others parents.

I can't remember whether I even told him I was unhappy at the time. A couple of friends knew but I didn't advertise it.

So, we went out.

He did mention family stuff. I just said we were very different people and I didn't see them anymore. He responded as I sort of expected and told me that I should try and get past it, that they're my parents and I'll end up regretting when they're no longer here etc.

I just had to say there was more to it and one of them in particular is someone I wouldn't want around my children. Sad truth is that SS were very briefly involved about 10 years ago (Initial Assessment) and their concerns were such that they said if we continued with contact, they'd progress to a S47 as the children were considered at risk. And they'd have been right to do so.

People with normal loving parents can't conceive of it but I'm aware that other people view it as a 🚩 that I don't have a relationship with them.

It's just shit all round really.

I sometimes think I'm probably better off telling people they're both dead. It would be easier but, at some point in the future, that would come out as a lie.

When he said you might regret it when they are no longer here you should have said 'yeah I might' and changed the subject.
There was no need to say what you said as you are hinting at you and your kids being vulnerable.

Yeah, maybe!

I'll get it right one day!

You definitely did well with what you said but you just have to be so careful.

Holding back information can seem alien especially if you are quite an open person and your comfortable about your past.
Unfortunately there are always people willing to take advantage of us so we have to learn to be much less open about things.