So many issues..

[Amieej]

I don't know where to start.

I've been with the OH for 4 years, our baby is 10 months old and things are just getting harder, I'm 32 and he's 30 so alot I put down to him just being immature.

I'd say 50% of the time we get along okay, the other 20% we argue because he drinks and the other 30% he thinks all I do is whinge and moan.

Tonight for example happens every other month or so, he'd get a couple of beers stay up but then takes the P! It's 3am and the LO wakes me up so I ask if he's coming up. Only to be told soon as its "his time" (he's off work BTW normally its a Friday night). I hear banging only to go down 45 mins later and find he's drinking a bottle of wine I had hidden at the back of the cupboard.

This is another issue.. he can't just have a few beers he also takes it further and I have almost given up drinking or wanting to drink for fear it'll only get drunk or to the point I get angry because I can't have anything for myself.

Having grown up with a heavy drinking family and the issues/arguments it brings I am pretty anti drinking at home.. this is my issue and I'm trying my best to not consume our life. His dad is/was Alcoholic and offers no help other than to leave him to it.. which is simply not in my nature and probably why he feels he can get away with murder.

His drinking and my lack of tolerance to it always results in arguing and him threatening to leave, and I'd consider it but I just can't trust him not to drink if he was to have our son (he's been proven to do this on my one and only night out since he came along) iv also had to go out at 4am this morning to get 4 more beers because I poured the wine away to stop him getting in his car and driving.

Day to day he has tried to make an effort with helping around the house, after I have gone back to work it's become emotionally too much having to do everything myself, where as before his jobs very physically draining so have probably been a bit too lenient. I am the higher earner so we can't afford for me to reduce hours yet as much as I'd like to as well as paying off the debt accumulated during mat leave.

One of my many issues is the lack of intimacy, as in sex. He will cuddle or only kiss if I instigate it and have even resorted to putting cushions in between us when we cuddle. Iv raised this alot and each time it's a different excuse. To me 6 months is a long time (he wouldn't touch me when pregnant so before this was literally the night we conceived).

Tonight he revealed I repulse him. I don't know if was the anger or genuine as I ask him when he's not had a beer and he's says I'm fine, but obviously I am distraught.

I also know I'm not fine, I have put on 3 stone since meeting him and a stone since our little one arrived, I'm genuinely unhappy in myself and find it hard to be happy about anything or enjoy anything so yes I probably so seem miserable to him but he also offers no support and says I need to deal with my issues on my own. I have little to no self esteem and just can't get over doing things like the gym, swimming etc on my own. Iv never been one to do things on my own.

Honestly I don't know where to start or to turn to.. I need help but I also feel that we need help as I don't want to throw our relationship away..

So...

He drinks too much
He potentially drives when drunk
You don't trust him
He has tried take an effort around the house
There's no sex and he actually avoids having sex with you with physical barrier
You're the higher earner so not financially dependent on him
He told you you repulse him
You're currently unhappy in yourself
You're miserable
He doesn't support you
You have no self esteem and don't have the confidence to do things by yourself (which wouldn't be the case if he were kind and supportive)...

Why exactly don't you want to "throw our relationship away"? It doesn't sound like a positive relationship in any sense. Maybe the bin is where it belongs and then aye you will start to feel happier in yourself!

That sounds really rubbish and needs to change drastically. Well done for recognising it. He sounds like he is at least a problem drinker if not worse. I assume he won't recognise this or do anything about it? I'm pretty sure your self esteem will improve in leaps and bounds if you split from him. Ideally you would do this with support from family and friends. Are there any who would be helpful? You need to bring this behaviour into the open and act on it. Don't let worries about him looking after the child stop you acting. This can be resolved later.
Act, you will feel better!

None of this was your doing.

He is behaving like a child and not an adult.
He cannot be trusted to behave responsibly.
He cannot be trusted to look after his own child for a single night.
He cannot be trusted to not drink and drive.

He actually tries to avoid kissing/touching you (even before baby).
He has told you he's 'repulsed' by you.
He ignores you.
He demands his time, but you are denied any 'free time' for you.
He refuses to support you/help you.
He makes you miserable.

Honestly, what is it that you 'don't want to throw away' ??

The only way your mental health is going to improve is for you to remove what's destroying it, namely him.

You deserve so much better.

When a relationship isn't working nobody is 'throwing it away'. It's really hard to accept your relationship isn't working when you have a baby but be honest with yourself - is it?

So many people fall prey to the sunken costs fallacy and this idea of "throwing a relationship" away is an example of that.

Falling prey to the sunk cost fallacy is a psychological trap. When we have invested resources and time but have not yielded the expected result, we double down. Try harder. Invest more. The problem with that thinking is that we waste more time and more resources trying to correct a past mistake. It looks like staying when you should have left long ago. The signs were all there. Maybe for a very long time. But you hung on to that relationship thinking, "but I have put in so much time and effort".

Instead of evaluating our relationship based on their merits in the present and what the likely value will be in the future, we base our decision on what we have already invested. We choose unhappiness in the present rather than admit the truth about the past.

Realize that past investment is exactly that. Your time cannot be recovered no matter what happens next. Ask yourself, if you were starting over today, would you choose this person again?.

Think about what the likely future with this person looks like. Is that the future you really want not just for you but for your child too?. No its not.

By admitting that the relationship is over, you can stop wasting years of your life further doing things that actively make you unhappy. The ship sank. The loss is unrecoverable. In acceptance, we can move forward knowing recovery of that time isn’t possible.

You and he absolutely need to be apart and you need to rebuild your life without him in it day to day. He is basically dragging you and your child down with him.

You learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships when you were growing up and are also repeating what you saw as a child with his drinking behaviour. Going out also at 4.00am to buy his more drink was absolutely enabling behaviour on your part. Read about codependency and see how much of that reflects in your own behaviours.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. Make better choices now for you and your child.

He's only 2 years younger than you, that is nothing, and his problem is not immaturity. He sounds well on the way to alcoholism.

It's not "throwing away" a relationship to end one that is bad and harming you.

Don't blame immaturity. There are no excuses for his behaviour. He's 30 for goodness sake, not a teenager (and I wouldn't stand that from a teenager).

It isn't working is it. You will be so much better off without him. From what I can see he just adds to your workload and makes you feel bad about yourself.

You deserve better. I suspect a lot of your problems will disappear with him. Then you can start rebuilding your life, and yourself, how you want them to be.