Pining for ex, decades later

[nobber]

I'm an idiot, I know that but I can't let this out anywhere else.

Many years ago I got together with a guy and whilst it had its ups and downs it was magical and romantic and very intense. He started out as a friend and unexpectedly for both of us, we got together. We were very young and life at the time was complicated by trying to adult in the real world for both of us. We ended up splitting up as he didn't have the time for me that I thought I deserved but also I wasn't sure we wanted the same things. Got together with someone else but we still had to navigate our way towards a friendship as we are part of same friendship group and it would make it awkward otherwise.

Fast forward a few years and broke up with the man I was seeing and ended up back with this guy again. A year or so later we split up again, partially due to him bailing on me (he has since admitted he was scared for various reasons) and I think I was still hyper aware he wasn't giving me enough time which triggered the last time's doubts - probably too soon to give it enough chance.

Somewhere between that time and this we've forged a friendship over the years where we walk a close line between supporting each other and having fun on occasional nights out or lunch dates and not getting too deep and meaningful or regretful. That said, I think we use each other as an emotional crutch or support when other things go wrong. He's had girlfriends in the past and I'm married although not entirely happily.

A few weeks ago we ended up spending quite a lot of time with each other as it was a friends wedding. Lots of drinks later and he admits he regrets breaking up and the stuff I was ready for years ago, he's finally ready for. I haven't really said much since but it's made me miss him and the love and caring thoughtful relationship we had at the same time as shining a spotlight on all the things I'm missing in my own relationship.

How can I get this out of my head? He's a good friend over many years who knows me so well and we still get on very well. I don't want want to be having "could have" thoughts but it's massively messed with my head and I've been grumpy and tearful and can't sleep ever since.

What are your husband's thoughts on all this?
Have you thought of cutting him loose?

Difficult one but he had two opportunities to commit and didn’t. Only after wine is he now indicating this.

On balance I wouldn’t be convinced this relationship had a future.

That’s not to say you must stay with your DH but I wouldn’t necessarily see this man as having potential. He didn’t give you time in the past. Chances are he won’t again.

You weren't good enough for him then. Why should he be good enough for you now? I agree with PP. Flakier than a 99p

Both of you seem to be focused of what 'could have been' if only .......

But you cannot re-write history !

The idea of the 'future you could have had' is pure fantasy, which no reality could ever live up to.

If you did leave your H and start a 'romantic' relationship with this guy again, things couldn't work out the way you imagine they would, because you are both different people now, with even more 'history' which would affect you both in your relationship.

You would also always be comparing your 'imaginary' relationship with him to your RL one, and guess which one would be the best ? Yup, always the 'imaginary' one, so you'd be forever trying get him to 'live up to' your ideal (which is not so easy with his dirty underwear on the floor and the mess he leaves in the kitchen and general fating/belching truth of the man )

Forget about the history you have with him, because when it mattered and when you needed him, he wasn't there for you, and he hasn't magically 'changed' who he is, he's just much better at having a 1/2 'relationship' with you i.e one where he isn't 'relied upon' or 100% 'present for' .

Concentrate on your marriage, and decide whether or not you're able/willing to work on it or if you want to divorce.

A leopard doesn't change his spots. I would not trust him one bit. I would be very suspicious about his motives and I think that as soon as he has lured you away from your husband, he'll lose interest again. You could find yourself in a very big mess.

Thanks people, this is helping me. It's not a trust thing as it's not like he's come sneaking back into his life, I've always been there.

And some of the problem is that we've both changed. I've mellowed and he's grown up so we get on better now in some ways than we did when it was firey and we were young and in love.

But the point about 1/2 a relationship is such a good point. And my husband is the polar opposite of him, practical, not flakey but not romantic or tbh that caring sometimes. And he is like the other half I crave. But it's so useful to have an outsider perspective as everyone else knows too much, there's too much history and I don't want to talk to anyone about it.

If it was meant to work out it would have done so on the two occasions you were together in the past. Not many people have two opportunities to make a go of a relationship. The second time was his opportunity to do things differently but, for whatever reason, he didn’t.

Some people are better as friends, nicer as friends and give us what we need as friends. The qualities we need from a long term partnership are different.

I think you need to figure out what you're missing and then talk to your husband about making things better. Maybe it's not the person you're missing but the way you felt and were made to feel?