How can I get over never being married?

[Firelilly67]

I was in a long relationship with a guy, we had two kids and a house but he was abusive and I managed to find every excuse under the sun not to marry him. Now that relationship is over and I have a new partner. I told him on date number 1 I wouldn’t like to marry as I don’t believe in it. But this was based on my previous relationship.

The problem is that I would marry my current boyfriend in a heartbeat. But he’s been married before, is still going through the divorce process and is vociferous about how much he thinks marriage is a sham and how he’ll never get married again.

I can’t help feeling sad about it. I see a future with this guy, but I don’t want to go through my life on ever having been someone’s girlfriend. It makes me wonder why I’m not worth as much as other women who are married. Who are worth marrying.

How can I get over this so I can move on and have a good relationship with this lovely guy??

Rather than ‘getting over it’ and complying with his wishes, you could tell him that his refusal to marry is a deal breaker for you. Which it pretty much is, right? It might have the effect of changing his mind.

@Iamthewombat I don’t think it’s a deal breaker, I’d rather have him as a partner without marriage than not have him at all. I just want to convince myself it’s not all that important

How long have you been together?

If he isn't yet divorced then it's reasonable for him to consider never marrying again. I think you have to decide if he is worth staying with or if you want to meet another person and potentially marry.

Now that relationship is over and I have a new partner. I told him on date number 1 I wouldn’t like to marry as I don’t believe in it.

You can talk to your partner about your feelings, but you began this relationship by clearly stating you were not interested in marriage. He took that at face value and proceeded to date you, and he might not have if you said you absolutely did want to get married. It's no one's fault that your feelings have changed, but you can't expect his to.

You say he is new. How new?
Also, how long were you free of the abusive partner before you met him?

Theres no harm in just saying 'you know what, I've changed my mind. I think I might like to get married again some day. How do you feel about that?'

I do worry that you are having thoughts about your 'worth'. Have you spoken to a therapist at all after leaving the ex?

Marrying someone does not make anyone worth more. People are complete without partners or husbands. Partners are simply to compliment our lives, not complete them. You are worth as much as any other good soul in this world with or without a tiny on your finger.

*a ring on your finger rather lol

Marriage is a mug’s game. Why would you want to be tied for life to anyone else in a legal contract? My ex-husband fleeced me and I certainly wouldn’t make that mistake again.

Yeh, how new is the new guy.

Depending on how long you've been together and how long it's been working, how a talk with him. Tell him what you think, what you want.
If he recoils then he's not right for you.

This is a really hard concept to grasp when you've been in an abusive relationship thiough, i know.
I was scared to rock the boat when I should have been asking myself, what is my agenda here? am i falling in to line with somebody else's?

@Aquamarine1029 you’re totally right, which is why I want to change my mind and get over it!

@PearlyBird yeah, I was in the abusive relationship about 8 years and I’ve only been seeing the new guy 6 months. It’s not like I want to dance down the isle with him right now, but I’m just struggling to come to terms with marriage being off the cards if that makes sense?

He may be flattered that he is the one who has changed your opinion about marriage!

@Pinkbonbon Yes you’re totally right. I had been seeing a therapist, and I think most of what I had to sort in my head was squared away, but it’s impossible to have everything sorted right!? I guess I just look at his ex wife and wonder what she had that I dont (and I know the answer is she had him first and ruined it for him )

@GreenClock maybe but I think it’s unlikely!!!

You can start by working out why marriage is now an issue for you and why, more importantly, it’s tied in with your self worth. You are no lesser a person by not being married and equally being married does not make you “better” or more worthy.

If marriage, for legal, social or financial reasons is now a priority, then fine - nothing wrong with that. But be clear that it doesn’t change who you are as a person.

@Fireflygal yeah, you’re right. It’s early days, only been 6 months. Not like I want to dance down the isle, I just never realised that I could feel this way about someone and it’s changed my mind on the subject! But I’d rather have him and not be married than not have him

Maybe he ruined it for her as well. It takes two people to make a marriage and for whatever reason, theirs didn't work out (if he is telling you it's all her fault, I'd wonder why he felt a he played no part whatsoever in his own marriage). But maybe he will decide one day that he could see himself marrying again just like you now can.

Marriage is a leap of faith if you are the higher earner but if that’s not a problem then I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to get married.

@TorringtonDean

Marriage is a mug’s game. Why would you want to be tied for life to anyone else in a legal contract? My ex-husband fleeced me and I certainly wouldn’t make that mistake again.

Whilst I kind of agree that marriage is a mug's game, it's still something I want to do - to dedicate my commitment to someone, and them to me, and just for that happily ever after scenario (yes, I know it's easy to get divorced these days). And actually there are a couple of good reasons to marry that people often overlook because they're a bit morbid - next of kin status, and inheritance (tax).

I'm in a similar position to the OP - never been married but always wanted to (not in any rush mind, I've said to myself that I'd want to be in a relationship for 10 years before marrying them). Current partner has been married before and says she never will again. Actually, she still is married to her ex - they've been separated for 5+ years but both of them are too stubborn to file for divorce.

So she's been there, done that, but it's something I'm still to experience. Is it right to feel like I've missed out? Is it a relationship breaker if she sticks to her decision never to remarry, I don't know.

@altmember oh that’s tough. It does just feel like missing out on something. Hard to explain to others I think

@Pinkbonbon one thing I really like about him is that he doesn’t blame her for the breakdown of their marriage, he acknowledges that they both had a part to play and they got together young and ultimately probably just shouldn’t have married in the first place.
It was a huge financial hit for him though, and I guess now he feels he has been there and done that and doesn’t want a repeat!

It was a huge financial hit for him. Exactly. Why would anyone make that mistake again? What’s in it for him? Nothing.

I think you need to continue trying to understand why marriage is so important for you (for me I think it was societal and tied up in my own self worth). Secondly, having had a difficult marriage and divorce I doubt I would ever marry again. This doesn't mean that any future partner isn't "as good" as my ex. It means my previous experience was so bad that I wouldn't want to put myself through it again. I went into my previous marriage thinking divorce wouldn't happen to me so I think it's hard to put yourself in that position again knowing you were wrong about it the first time. I also no longer see marriage in the same way - it is no longer something I want or need to feel validated. Might your partner feel the same?

It's all very well all these PP saying they wouldn't get married again, that's fair enough. But it's totally different to someone who's never experienced marriage. I suspect if you never had done previously then you might have a different point of view now.

I think you have to remind yourself that you chose not to marry your ex. You also chose to tell your current partner that you don’t want marriage. Given that, why on earth would you think it’s some kind of valuation that you’ve failed. You’ve actually been the one saying they aren’t worth marrying! (Clearly quite rightly in your ex’s case.)

I think if you are starting to change your mind you can float that past your partner, see how he reacts. But the most important question is why do you feel you’ve failed a test you’ve never sat? Why do you think men get to evaluate women like that? It sounds like you need to do some more work on your self esteem.

I’d also gently suggest that after an abusive relationship being ready to marry your new man (even in theory) “in a heartbeat” maybe isn’t super healthy? You just can’t know each other that well yet, surely?