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Relationships

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Would you feel insulted?!

15 replies

Lubdrty · 25/08/2021 21:40

Seeing each other exclusively for around 10 months. He’s not told any friends about me. His family know he’s seeing me but they are very reclusive, literally go out only to buy food. One parent has mental health issues so we can’t stay with them as going into the home triggers ocd for parent.

DP moved to this area for work around a year ago. All his friends are in London, he is now in north England. He’s not seen any friends for this entire time as he works so much and has dedicated himself to that since he moved. I’ve asked him outright why he hasn’t mentioned me and he said that he’s only had a few messages in a group chat with friends (which he showed me) and said there isn’t really an appropriate time to say oh hi I’ve got a new girlfriend. Having seen the chat it’s more about general chatter nobody specific talks about themselves.

He said early on with us he could have told them in phone calls but we had only just met so he didn’t want to. Fair enough. He’s said he doesn’t have phone calls regularly with his friends and he does intend to tell them but he gets awkward about these things and is quite a private person. He’s also said that his friends often joke about him being forever single and that he doesn’t know how to bring it up over the phone.

He’s definitely single. He’s 41, very reserved and quiet and has been shy about intimacy (we’ve worked on this and it’s all ok now) but he’s shy generally about the relationship. It’s taken time for him to come out of his shell.

Whilst im inclined to believe this has no bearing on how he sees me - we go out all the time around his new place, we are close etc….I’m also bloody insulted!

Not sure how to deal with it… instinct is to just leave it but it does bother me and when I raise it he just says he will at the right time.

OP posts:
CrisisManagement · 26/08/2021 02:32

No I wouldn't. If they don't have the kind of relationship where announcements are made in that way, I can imagine he would feel a bit awkward making such an announcement, especially as you say he is quite shy.
If they had asked if he was seeing someone and he said no, THEN I would be insulted.
Also, he has told his family about you.

Could he just post a photo of the two of you to social media?

Maskedrevenger · 26/08/2021 02:56

Why does it bother you, it would make no difference at all if they knew, would it? He is not meeting up with them because he has moved so far away from them. If he was meeting up with them and not asking you along because he was keeping you a secret that would be an entirely different scenario. It sounds like you want some reassurance. Him changing his Facebook status to In a Relationship and posing photos of the two of you together or making a big announcement to his friends does not make your relationship any more likely to last, your relationship is either a good one or it’s not.

WaterIsBest · 26/08/2021 03:06

Give him the time he needs !

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 06:52

I wouldn’t feel insulted, no, but to be honest, I wouldn’t continue in a relationship with a workaholic recluse from a family of recluses whose fears/inhibitions about sex I had to ‘work on’. It all sounds like very hard work.

NashvilleQueen · 26/08/2021 07:41

I was just going to say it sounds like a lot of work. Are you up for a project?

I can see why a shy person might not suddenly 'announce' a change in relationship status so it's not necessarily an issue for me. You don't want to jinx it by telling people too soon then the moment has passed and now it's weird to just mention that you've been seeing someone for nearly a year.

Also and based on what you've said he may not have the extensive friend work you're imagining.

MoChridhe · 26/08/2021 07:47

I understand his reasons. Stop being pushy. Him telling his friends about you does not mean he doesn't care about you. I would only be concerned if one of his friends was say getting married and invited your boyfriend and a plus one and he refused to take you.
He is 41, not an excited 16 year old wanting to show off his first girlfriend. Build your relationship between the two of you, the rest will fall into place.

layladomino · 26/08/2021 07:51

No I wouldn't feel insulted at all. I don't understand the need to make announcements. It would be different if he was seeing them and didn't mention you, perhaps, but over infrequent messages it would feel like a bit of an awkward annoucement.

SimoneSimone · 26/08/2021 11:31

Leave the guy in peace.

Bookworm20 · 26/08/2021 12:00

Its like he is keeping you a secret. Its been 10 months, not 10 minutes. A quick by the way guys, I have great news, I have a lovely GF etc etc on his friends group chat wouldn't be odd. Or sticking a photo of you both on SM. I'd find the secrecy insulting also OP.

DoormatBob · 26/08/2021 12:08

It's not something men chat about in the same way women seem to, massively generalisation I know but he has shown you his chats.

I had to change my FB settings to prevent DW from tagging me in things then have them automatically appearing on my profile. We just use social media and interact with friends differently.

TiredButDancing · 26/08/2021 13:56

How much time do you spend with him? Because my first instinct is that he's lying.

Let's say I'm just being over suspicious and he spends all his time at work or with you and because he's moved, doesn't have any local friends, thenI wouldn't be insulted as such but I'm not sure I'd be interested in someone with so little contact with other people.

dreamingbohemian · 26/08/2021 14:01

I'm not sure I would be insulted, it's not like he's hiding you from people he sees all the time, but I agree he does sound very hard work.

Are you hoping for marriage/kids? Because it sounds like that will be almost impossible

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 14:40

@dreamingbohemian

I'm not sure I would be insulted, it's not like he's hiding you from people he sees all the time, but I agree he does sound very hard work.

Are you hoping for marriage/kids? Because it sounds like that will be almost impossible

Yes, exactly. The issue for me would be that he doesn’t appear to have anyone to tell because he doesn’t have any real friendships, and that he’s normalised this because his family are recluses. When you add in the shyness, having to be coaxed ‘out of his shell’ and sexual inhibitions, it sounds like trying to coax a very shy feral cat out of a bush.

Going out with someone who was socially functional would be a necessity for me.

BrilliantBetty · 26/08/2021 14:49

Sounds pretty normal to be. If he hasn't seen them or had an in-depth chat.

It just hasn't come up.

Harvestyo · 26/08/2021 14:55

I wouldn't tell family until it started to get serious, certainly not after dating for 10 months.

Don't pressure him.

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