Just feel like I don’t want to exist

[Blossominthesky]

I just want to write this down to get this off my chest.

I would be very happy if I no longer existed. My life is not terrible but I just don’t enjoy it. I feel listless most of the time and sad.

I know many people will say I must be depressed. I have been depressed in the past but I don’t think this is it. I think this is an acknowledgment that my life is generally miserable and I lack the enthusiasm or energy to change it.

I won’t kill muself and I don’t want people to worry. But the idea that one day I’ll be gone gives me much relief. I just wish I didn’t have to live another 40 years of so.

I’m so sorry that your feeling low like this. What about your life do you not enjoy?

I get where you are coming from but depression isn't the same every time around. This is a form of depression, which means there will be a way out of it. There's no harm in talking to your GP is there?

I think it’s just that my life is what it is. I find it quite tiring and stressful but I also lack the energy to really change it so I plod on and accept it for what it is.

I am estranged from my surviving family - one parent and sibling and whilst that has given me much relief, it’s obviously sad not to have that relationship and stability.

I have very good friends who I’m extremely grateful for including one who is basically like a surrogate parent.

But just generally life seems to lack any real joy or meaning.

I guess cowardly I would just rather not bother with trying to change things and if someone offered me a button to press to zap my existence I would just do that.

I know you’ve said it’s not that but You do sound like you could be depressed , it doesn’t always materialise the same well it didn’t for me , I had a time when I knew I was depressed because I was just plain miserable but the other time I didn’t realise I was untill I came out of it to be honest , I just lacked motivation and felt very flat. Just a thought .

Is there anything that you think you would enjoy like what would you change if you could ? Travel ? Learning something new ?
Could just start with something very small ?

I see people and I’m ok. But then afterwards I feel flat and low alone. It’s just how it is really.

I guess I have no real energy. I just desperately wish I was very very old and nearing my end.

You seem to be describing depression and I don't really understand why you think it isn't that. The best place to start is talking to your GP. See if you can at least try some treatment as it may well help, even if it's just enough to get a bit of energy to start changing things bit by bit.

Life is full of ups and downs. There can be big problems, disappointments, sadness, loneliness, heartache, as well as excitement, fulfillment, happiness, love. Most of us muddle along somewhere in the middle most of the time, with a few peaks here and there.

But what you are describing seems to be a constant 'low' which doesn't necesarily need a reason, which sounds like depression. There is no other reason why you can't be as happy (generally) as the next person.

You have good friends. You've been wise and strong enough to NC with your parent and sibling. There are positives in your life, and with a little help from your GP, and perhaps some counselling, you could build on that, and work towards feeling hopeful and positive about life.

I wish you the very best.

Thank you. I have had psychotherapy for two years. That has helped a lot. I guess I just feel like this is the best it will be. These problems won’t ever go away. This is my lot in life and it’s nothing to be excited about, if that makes sense?

I'm sorry that you feel like this OP.

Are you saying that if your energy levels were better (and with them, the will to change things), you might feel differently?

Its It's probably just a lower level of depression.

Try getting out and walking and getting as much sunshine as possible.

Also, why does this have to be your lot in life? Maybe you could do something new. Like go on an adventure? Maybe you feel this way because theres something else you should be doing but you just don't know what yet.

Eg: maybe you could look to do something to help other people.

Have you tried meds? They aren't for everyone but they might help you out of a hole and help you reappraise things.

I go out every day for a walk. I often walk for three hours in the morning and again in the evening and I will stop by a local coffee shop and sit there and chat to the staff who know me. I browse some shops and I talk to people in the park who I see. I have a dog and have made new friends that way.

But inside I just feel at best lethargic and sad and that I have no excitement or attachment to be here. Many people live through life feeling sad and alone and sometimes it changes for them but sometimes it doesn’t and I feel that’s just how it is. It is what it is as a work colleague once said.

I don’t know if I’m expressing myself well. I still laugh and joke and see people but I have no real desire to be here. I’d love to just not exist.

This honestly sounds like normal depression. You're putting on a performance day to day but not getting any pleasure from things. Feeling despondent and directionless is because of depression, not because your life doesn't actually offer you anything. You just can't see that as you're in the midst of it.

Can I just say I totally get that feeling because I’m there too. I’ve had depression most of my life but this is on another level. I think it’s peri menopause related, could this be what’s causing it for you?

@Blossominthesky I’ve felt like this may times OP. I bet you bring joy to a lot of people. That in itself is something to feel is worth being here for, perhaps? I also think life is actually often quite bloody dull!

I’m 34 so I don’t think it’s menopause. I think I bring some joy to people but I’m not essential to anyone - but I’m not sure if that’s really it. I just feel like I lack purpose and that I myself don’t take much joy in anything.

The thing is lot of people lack purpose but don’t want to not exist…yet I just feel that way. I’m feeling less melancholy now, maybe even a bit chipper, but honestly I’d still choose not to exist. I just don’t feel particular bothered to be alive.

But that, is because you're depressed.

Do you work?

Can you imagine what a happy or purposeful life might look like?

I feel exactly the same.
I lie awake in a panic at nights thinking is this is for me now forever
I'm already on meds for depression and I just wonder if I will ever feel anything other than sluggish and bored

What a very honest post, and one that many people at some point in their lives could have written.

It sounds to me as though you have lost hope.

Hope can motivate you into remarkable things and loss of hope can halt you in your tracks.

I've always found that doing something different, changing routine, new places, new faces can spur motivation.
A change is as good as a rest, so to speak.

We are all looking for that spark to make life more meaningful, keep going and keep searching, you never know it could happen tommorow.