Is He an Alcoholic? What can I do?

[Nomorefuckstogive]

My DH appears to be drinking a lot. He drinks beer and/or whisky every day and his measures aren’t small. This has continued for six or more years. He functions fine and manages to go to work every day. I’ve asked him to stop/cut down, explaining that I’m deeply concerned, but he becomes defensive or shuts down completely. I’ve now suggested that he monitor his drinking and write down when he drinks - just for his own benefit, not to be shared with me. I’ve also told him that if he doesn’t do this, I no longer want to be married to him, as I can’t be with an alcoholic. Am I overreacting? Help needed, please.

you're not overreacting OP. Sounds like he has a real issue.

It doesn’t matter if you call it alcoholism or not. His drinking is affecting your relationship. You can’t make him stop or change his behaviour. You can only control your response. Sorry OP.

I know it’s pointless getting angry, as he’s the only one who can change his behaviour, but I hate seeing him slowly killing himself. I’m no longer physically attracted to him, either.

Do you think you might be more attracted to him if he changed his behaviour / became more healthy etc? If the answer is no then I'd wonder if you really want to be with him.

There must be families of alcoholics support groups or helplines. It might be worth getting in touch to see what they think about the situation. They will likely offer the best advice for your course of action and support available.

In answer to your questions

Yes

Fuck all

Unless he himself faces up to the fsct he's drinking too much, no amount of persuading, discussion, crying and seeking help on his behalf will do any good.

The amount he's drinking is worrying and he may well be over the limit when he's driving.

Is He an Alcoholic?

Certainly sounds like it, or approaching it.

What can I do?

Nothing. He has to do it, and he has to want to do it. You've made your position clear so if he doesn't want to change - and it is frightening - you have to either stay, knowing future ultimatums will be seen as toothless, or leave now before you lose any more of your life and money. Either way, you are not responsible for his behaviour. If he does want to change you have to decide whether you want to stay and support him in his sober journey or you just don't care enough any more.

Al-Anon or one of the other groups for families of alcoholics might help you to get your head straight.

The three C’s of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

Your husband’s primary relationship is with drink and not you. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

I would suggest you contact both Al-anon and a Solicitor re separation and divorce ASAP. There is Nothing you can do to help him, only he can address this and he does not want to. Asking him to record his drinking consumption is a waste of time, he is likely already badly underestimating how much he is drinking.

Do not waste further years of your life on him going forward. Plan your exit now.

I am a recovering alcoholic. Until and unless he wants to cut down significantly /stop, nothing you say or do will make any difference, up to and possibly including leaving him.

Do you have children together? If you do, I honestly think you should split. It is very damaging to children to be around addicts. Even if they are happy jolly drunks who never argue or vomit everywhere.

He is dependent on alcohol....I've been there with my ex...As @EvenMoreFuriousVexation says only he can decide to change. If he does then there is hope. If not I am afraid you need to decide if your future is best served with him or not. It's an extremely tough decision but I had to make mine and chose to leave. The new ms fantastic has the odd vino but is not dependent. I wish you all the best but, as the old saying goes...you can lead a horse to water....you know the rest...

Yes, we have a child. An older teenager. A very wise and intelligent child who understands and takes in everything. I want her to know this is unacceptable and she should never have to be with someone who doesn’t respect her enough to behave better.

Then you have to leave him.
Staying shows your daughter his behaviour is acceptable.

Not that'll do any good, calculate how much he spends on alcohol in a year and show him that.

You can't change him, you can only change your response to what he does. Is he an alcoholic? More than likely. But what matters is that his drinking is having a negative effect on you and your DD. That's your reason to leave. Tell him so and start divorce proceedings.

It won't be easy - I hung around far too long, trying to get my late husband to change his habits, to see he was harming himself and those he loved. None of it achieved a damn thing and it ended very badly. Don't be me, just get out.

Seek support from Al-Anon or a similar organisation running groups for the loved ones of alcoholic - they will make you feel you are not alone and they will make it easier for you to detach from him in a healthy way.

He’s addicted to the mind altering reaction in his brain that the booze causes. In exactly the same way as a junkie or a smoker get their fix. It’s a liquid drug dressed up in fancy packaging and accepted by the masses. None of this has dawned on him and probably won’t.

As others have said, time to get away unless he proactively grasps his issue and puts himself on detox with some support from AA or local cessation programme. Sadly, I don’t think he sees the problem.

And the problem will only grow as he gets older. More will be needed, so more money spent, more unreasonable behaviour, more gained weight, less attraction, more liver damage. It’s a very slippery slope.

Run free.

Plenty of alcoholics give up drink .It’s hard but it can be done -he needs to want to do it

He won’t change unless he wants too, (Dry now for nearly 8 years or more) can you picture this for the rest of your life? Awful isn’t it get ducks in a row and leave.

Start getting your ducks in a row and seek support from al- anon.
I’m sorry this has happened but the only thing you can do is save yourself and your DD from further trauma Best wishes

Al anon is very useful.
There is also a podcast called The Recovery Show - lots of partners of addicts talks on there.
Please also look up Adult children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. The damage addiction does to children can be severe.
How is he when he’s drunk - does his behaviour change?
You both may be come hyper vigilant to his drinking.
Where you brought up in an alcoholic home?
You are saying and doing the right things.

I want her to know this is unacceptable and she should never have to be with someone who doesn’t respect her enough to behave better.

It is an addiction, an illness. He still is the only one who can 'cure' it. But behaving better doesn't really make sense.

When you say he drinks a lot, im just wondering how much. Is it more binging in the evening or during the day?

@LittleOldMe124

When you say he drinks a lot, im just wondering how much. Is it more binging in the evening or during the day?

How much and when is irrelevant. When someone's alcohol use has a negative effect on their family, it's a problem. Drinking heavily every day is a problem. Functioning alcoholics tend to end up becoming non-functional alcoholics.