Platonic relationship?

[Nowayhozay]

Is it possible to have a truly platonic relationship with someone who still has a sex drive?
I made it clear when we meet that I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship but I still wanted an exclusive relationship and he said he was fine with that.
We have become very close but I still do not want a sexual relationship.
We snuggle up at home infront of the telly and I really enjoy a cuddle. On occasions we share a bed and it's lovely to wake up with him there.
The problem is that it's obvious that despite what he says he does actually want sex.
I don't know what to do, I haven't lead him on but I still feel guilty.
I could give him some relief without having sex of course but is that the right thing to do, it seems almost mechanical without the desire.
Can this work or am I kidding myself, am I being selfish and mean ?

Platonic doesn’t mean no sex. It means the relationship isn’t based on lust.

It’s attraction of the mind/personality/soul. Sex can be part of it, it’s just sex built on love, respect, understanding, affinity not lust.

Using “platonic” to mean non-sexual is a complete misuse of the term. It’s a common misuse to be fair. But the fact that it is a misuse can maybe tell you something.

Its only truly platonic if the feelings are the same for both of you. Its not fair for either of you. You feel guilty, he will go on feeling unfulfilled. If he decides to get a girlfriend for the obvious, she understandably won't like your sleepovers. Best to nip it in the bud.

Platonic relationship means a friendship, not a coupling thing. What you're describing is an asexual relationship? There are very few people (men in particular) who truly want a completely sexless relationship. It sounds like you need to have a very open and frank discussion about your long term relationship goals.

It doesn’t sound like this will work because he hasn’t been honest, probably with himself.

It’ll become mutually frustrating and possibly resentful. You’ll wonder why you’re not enough without sex, he’ll feel rejected even though you were clear from the start.

You want a man who you said it’s “obvious that he does want sex” to be exclusive with you when you clearly do not want sex. This will never work.

Why do you want him to not have sex with other people though?

I would say the terms are mixed up here.

I would describe a platonic relationship as one between two people based on friendship with no sexual feelings involved on either side.
I would describe an exclusive relationship as a relationship where neither party has sex with anyone else.
While you've been honest you've decided to take what suits you from each one.
I get he agreed but I don't see how it's fair on either of you in all honesty. He clearly wants an exclusive relationship that involves both friendship and sex. You just want a friendship. I think you would struggle to find what you're looking for with someone who still has a sex drive unless you're happy for them to get that part from someone else, which you don't seem to be.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Why do you want him to not have sex with other people though?

Because I have feelings for him, i do want a relationship with him but I wouldn't be able to cope with him seeing someone else for sex. In my eyes that would be cheating. I know I come across as a bit selfish here but I really was very clear with him, obviously a little naive.

Is the not wanting to have sex something you would be willing to explore?

@ALittleBitConfused1

I would say the terms are mixed up here.

I would describe a platonic relationship as one between two people based on friendship with no sexual feelings involved on either side.
I would describe an exclusive relationship as a relationship where neither party has sex with anyone else.
While you've been honest you've decided to take what suits you from each one.
I get he agreed but I don't see how it's fair on either of you in all honesty. He clearly wants an exclusive relationship that involves both friendship and sex. You just want a friendship. I think you would struggle to find what you're looking for with someone who still has a sex drive unless you're happy for them to get that part from someone else, which you don't seem to be.

Yes I can see your point and agree to a certain extent. I want more than just friendship, I want that life partner but I have no interest or desire for sex. I don't blame him though, I think he genuinely thought he could go without sex but I realise he is struggling. I can see from the replies here that I was being naive.

@CornishTiger

Is the not wanting to have sex something you would be willing to explore?

I guess it would be healthy to explore the reasons, sex isn't something I miss or want right now. If its going to mean that I will never have a man in my life then maybe I should. Hard to get my thoughts straight on that as I feel I would be doing it for others benefit if that makes sense. Again that sounds selfish, perhaps I am and that needs looking at.

He must be very fond of you to agree to that. Ultimately you want different things and the kindest thing to do would be to let him go so he can find someone who fulfils him.

If you get on well otherwise then I’d suggest you do explore you lack of sex drive before you accept that this relationship just can’t work.

Either that or you’ll need to accept another sexual partner for him if that’s what he wishes. It’s unfair to push him into a celibate situation he doesn’t want.

If it helps, I’ve heard some asexual people say that whilst they don’t experience sexual attraction or feel a desire for sex they do get enjoyment from sex as an activity in the right context.

If the lack of desire for sex is down to trauma or bad experiences or other things that are going on in your life though that’s a very different thing.

Hi OP, this is quite an unusual one. I am wondering if are you both roughly in the same age range, and what that is. Have you ever asked your friend (sorry, struggling to know what to call him) why he is willing to be exclusive and yet have no sex?

How do you know that he does actually want sex, did he say so before you had a chance to tell him that you didn't and wouldn't, or have you just assumed that he wants to/is able to? I am asking because particularly in the older age ranges, men can have problems getting and/or keeping an erection, and if that was the case he might have welcomed being with someone who wasn't wanting to have a sexual relationship.

If you are both in a younger age range, and are both physically healthy, it does seem strange that he is willing to forgo sex with a partner, potentially for ever. It is really difficult to give any advice without knowing any of these things, but one thing seems obvious to me, and that is do you know why you don't ever want to have a sexual relationship - I can think of various scenarios, and all the ones I can think of leave me thinking that if you have not explored these feelings with an "expert" then that might be one of the next steps to take?
I have read through what I have written here, and I think that my reply sounds really awkward, but I can't think of a better way to put it, sorry OP!

He’s a grown man, you have told him your boundaries and he likes you so much he wants to be with you, even though it’s not a traditional/conventional one.
Relationship/partnership can look whatever the people in it wants to look like.
Give it a go.
Good luck!!

There is no way in hell I’d agree to this. I think he assumed you’d change your mind. Sorry but I think you’re being very selfish and incredibly naive

@Mandofan

There is no way in hell I’d agree to this. I think he assumed you’d change your mind. Sorry but I think you’re being very selfish and incredibly naive

How is op selfish in any way? She has been honest, he’s not held hostage. She’s done nothing wrong and is aloud to look for love.

I agree that there is an element of selfishness here. I don't think it's coming intentionally from a bad place though. I dont agree that being selfish is dependant on whether the op was honest or not. Telling someone at the beginning that you have unrealistic expectations that are going to mean the other party is going to be unhappy/unfulfilled in my eyes is still selfish. I was in a similar experience but about something else, I ended the relationship as although he agreed to my wants I knew quite quickly he wasn't happy.
Op you both sound like you care greatly about each other and I'm in no way suggesting you enter into a sexual relationship without wanting to but I think you've explained well that he has tried it but it isn't going to be a long term option. Is it something you could work on/explore if not I think you may need to end it. He will begin to feel frustrarion/resentment and it's not fair that you will eventually end up feeling more guilty which isn't great for you either.

"Telling someone at the beginning that you have unrealistic expectations that are going to mean the other party is going to be unhappy/unfulfilled in my eyes is still selfish."

I disagree because he had the chance to say no.

I couldn't have a relationship like that personally. It wouldn't be fair to either party. At some point resentment will start to grow. The only way a sexless relationship can truly work if it both people are completely happy and want the arrangement. It doesn't sound like this here.

@Gwenhwyfar I would say messy rather than selfish.

Yes, you can be upfront about a particular set of needs/requirements. But you also need to make a realistic assessment of how well the other person has processed that, especially if you think that person hasn’t been in that situation before.

@HeartvsBrain

Hi OP, this is quite an unusual one. I am wondering if are you both roughly in the same age range, and what that is. Have you ever asked your friend (sorry, struggling to know what to call him) why he is willing to be exclusive and yet have no sex?

How do you know that he does actually want sex, did he say so before you had a chance to tell him that you didn't and wouldn't, or have you just assumed that he wants to/is able to? I am asking because particularly in the older age ranges, men can have problems getting and/or keeping an erection, and if that was the case he might have welcomed being with someone who wasn't wanting to have a sexual relationship.

If you are both in a younger age range, and are both physically healthy, it does seem strange that he is willing to forgo sex with a partner, potentially for ever. It is really difficult to give any advice without knowing any of these things, but one thing seems obvious to me, and that is do you know why you don't ever want to have a sexual relationship - I can think of various scenarios, and all the ones I can think of leave me thinking that if you have not explored these feelings with an "expert" then that might be one of the next steps to take?
I have read through what I have written here, and I think that my reply sounds really awkward, but I can't think of a better way to put it, sorry OP!

He is 54, a few years older than me. I know he wants sex, well I know he still has a healthy sex drive. He sometimes becomes aroused just through snuggling on the sofa. When we share a bed it's even more obvious. Deep down I understand that I am the one with the problem and it is a lot to ask of a man. I was honest from the start though and I actually really believe he was sincere but I can see that he is not going to happy long term. I feel like I should just have sex with him out of duty which equally is not going to make me happy. He is staying with me for the long weekend so maybe it's time to have a chat about where we are going with this.

What you are doing is a recipe for disaster and you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. A normal person with a healthy sex drive wouldn’t agree to this. This man would either leave you or cheat on you.

If you don’t want to have a proper relationship, stay single and invest your emotions in friends and pets.

I feel like I should just have sex with him out of duty which equally is not going to make me happy.

You really shouldn’t. Quickest way to resentment and unhappiness.

He is staying with me for the long weekend so maybe it's time to have a chat about where we are going with this.

Good plan. Be honest. Tell him you appreciate him doing the same. Maybe it’s run its course, sad but perhaps inevitable.