Are my friends toxic?

[strangethoughts]

Hi All

I wanted to get some advice from anyone who may have/ be going through something similar.

I’m 29 years old (the big 3-0 is imminent) and going through a phase in my life where I feel like I’m ready to ‘let go’ of people and even things. I recently discovered, for instance, how social media is impacting my life so negatively that I removed it, not entirely as I briefly check it once or twice a week , but it was a step in the right direction, for me. I also started therapy and have discovered that certain persons close to me have been emotionally abusive towards me my entire life AND I have been through trauma surrounding acceptance (moving a lot as a child etc). It came as quite a shock but it also made a lot of sense - I have struggled to accept myself and in turn, have struggled to have meaningful relationships and have surrounded myself with toxic people.

I’ll get to the point..
In the past, comfortable for me was being surrounded by people who I now deem as ‘toxic’.
Some examples.. I have a friend who judges me for things I do and shuns me when I don’t do what she would have done. I have a friend who talks about me behind my back (don’t get me wrong, we ALL do it) but this friend makes up lies about me and likes to really stir. I have a friend who never really speaks to me unless she’s having issues with her partner and when she is, she’s straight on the phone to me but doesn’t really have the time for my issues. I have a friend who only sees / makes any effort with me when their partner is out of town.

I speak about these people in particular because I deemed them once as VERY good, close friends. But as I’ve grown up (more so over the last 2 years) and now with therapy, I’ve started to look at life through a very different lens. I guess I’m quite scared of the future and I don’t really know how to move forward. My ‘friends’ have meant a lot to me and I don’t want to be alone but something just isn’t sitting right with me anymore.
Am I being sensitive? Do I need to get thicker skin and just let this bounce off me? Or is it that I know what I deserve and what I am worthy of?

Any help would be appreciated!

Thanks xx

@strangethoughts
I would rather be alone than have friends like that tbh. Can you join groups that you enjoy like cooking and things like that you will mate new friends who are not toxic, friendships fizzle out and I think it's time you left these ones in your 20s and meet new ones for your 30s.

You're not being sensitive at all. Lessons about how others treat you and how you expect to be treated are learnt in childhood. So if you grew up with parents who didn't respect your boundaries, were emotionally abusive you come to see that as 'normal'. Your 'bullshit' dial gets turned right down and you get a skewed idea of what good relationships are like.

I had a very dysfunctional neglectful childhood and as a consequence grew up a people pleaser. I learnt that they only way to get good 'vibes' from other people was to give too much, allow myself to be disrespected and to get worn out by other people's demands. My role was to give, theirs to take. There are an awful lot of people who are happy to have someone like that, who demands little and is easily pushed around. Does any of that resonate with you?

You have absolutely done the right thing going into therapy. It will take a while but the 'fog' will clear and you will learn to recognise and therefore avoid toxic people.

Also some assertiveness training is very useful. Learning to say no to other people and expecting them to respect you is invaluable.

And if it's any consolation I lost a lot of people when my eyes opened including an ex husband, family and 'friends'. I would have said the same and thought I was close to them. The people that are left, although a lot fewer, are ones I can trust and also like. I came to realise that a lot of these close 'friends' were actually dislikeable. It's quite weird.

[quote Babyghirl]@strangethoughts
I would rather be alone than have friends like that tbh. Can you join groups that you enjoy like cooking and things like that you will mate new friends who are not toxic, friendships fizzle out and I think it's time you left these ones in your 20s and meet new ones for your 30s.[/quote]
Thank you lovely! I've gotten myself in to a new sport and made some decent friends through that but I'm also going to join some other things too

@Dacquoise

You're not being sensitive at all. Lessons about how others treat you and how you expect to be treated are learnt in childhood. So if you grew up with parents who didn't respect your boundaries, were emotionally abusive you come to see that as 'normal'. Your 'bullshit' dial gets turned right down and you get a skewed idea of what good relationships are like.

I had a very dysfunctional neglectful childhood and as a consequence grew up a people pleaser. I learnt that they only way to get good 'vibes' from other people was to give too much, allow myself to be disrespected and to get worn out by other people's demands. My role was to give, theirs to take. There are an awful lot of people who are happy to have someone like that, who demands little and is easily pushed around. Does any of that resonate with you?

You have absolutely done the right thing going into therapy. It will take a while but the 'fog' will clear and you will learn to recognise and therefore avoid toxic people.

Also some assertiveness training is very useful. Learning to say no to other people and expecting them to respect you is invaluable.

Wow. You're the very first person who I've been able to really resonate with. When it comes to other people I try so hard to be accepted. I'm so drawn to those who just don't 'accept' me for me.. they've got opinions on my life, they're never truly happy for me, I give so much and they give so little. I give my energy to these people as it's all I've known and it's comfortable but now it's not comfortable for me.. if that makes sense.

I'm so happy to know that someone has come out the 'other side' of this. I'm so nervous but also excited for the next chapter in my life.

Thank you so much for replying to me! I will certainly be looking in to assertiveness :) xxxx

Having therapy has helped you remove your rose-tinted glasses and see people for who they really are.

It's tough deciding to stop being friends with people, but now you know that they are not the sort of friends you either want or need, and that in fact they are positively detrimental to your wellbeing.

Take this as a golden opportunity to have a clearout of unwanted clutter, and I'm sure that you will find new, much nicer friends before long.

Have a go at yoga and meditation too. There may be an underlying anxiety about being alone, that having people around you that are personally unsatisfactory to you, is better than being abandoned.

If you can get to the state of being truly happy in your own company, you become 'invincible'. I don't mean that you don't need other people or are cut off from them, but you become much more discerning about what you will tolerate. Every time you are asked to do something, or go somewhere, really think about whether you want to, what it will bring to your life enjoyment. If it's not going to bring you joy, don't do it!