He’s hot then cold..

[Hotcold]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a year now. Due to childcare we see each other once a week maybe twice. The days inbetween we would say good morning, talk during the day at work and maybe a phone call. Depending on how busy work is we wouldn’t talk sometimes.

Anyway I visited him on his lunch break a few days ago, he was a bit off but text me after saying he appreciated the visit. That was it, he didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day which was a bit odd. The next few days he would check in to say good morning but that would be it, he wouldn’t reply to any of my messages, until I asked him if he was okay, he said he was just busy at work. Fair enough. The thing is he’s online for what seems like ages whilst at work so he’s talking to someone just not me.

I called him last night to see if he was okay, he said yeah he’s just been keeping to himself in general. I don’t know why but I feel really irritated, I feel like I’ve done something wrong or he's having second thoughts, but he won’t tell me. What do I do? How do I approach this I feel really uneasy

A few weeks in id be advising to leave it but after a year i think you really are owed an actual conversation.
He knows he is being off, you know he is being off. A year in he should be discussing why. It could just be he has a few things on his mind, stuff going on. I'm like that, I go quiet and like to process stuff on my own before I share but I do understand how this makes people feel and there for I stay single. I don't want to have someone else to consider when I'm dealing with stuff, it's one of the reasons why I made the decision not to get seriously involved with anyone again, is he usually the type to shut down and isolate himself in these scenarios.

I don't see the need of multiple texts/calls on a daily basis but it doesn't mean that's wrong. But the point here is that that is your established communication pattern and your gut is telling you something has shifted. Listen to it.

Some would say back off, give him space, match his level of effort but and I've done that in the past. Not to play games but to remind myself of my worth but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do in this case. Id inclined to carry on as is, stop asking if he is ok. Wait til you are next alone and clearly start a conversation along the lines of.....we need to talk. You haven't been yourself and I'd like to know why. If it's something bothering you let me help. If not and it's related to our relationship then I deserve an explanation. Honest open transperant and adult conversation is required here I think.

I would be bolshie. In when I next saw him would say "blimey I thought a lunchtime visit was a nice surprise but you've been a distant prick since then so I won't be doing that again"

Until then I would not bother contacting him and get on with enjoying the last of the glorious sunshine and not be available at weekend, make other plans, fun plans without him.

"Anyway I visited him on his lunch break a few days ago, he was a bit off".

Was this a pre arranged visit that he was aware of or did you just turn up?

A year may seem long time but, if you only see each other once a week and have childcare responsibilities, that alters things.

With kindness OP , i suspect you may view the relationship as more than they do. If you just turned up at work for lunch, unannounced, i personally would be fuming. If it was pre arranged and he was expecting you he is BU. I suspect you both have different expectations from this relationship.

"The thing is he’s online for what seems like ages whilst at work so he’s talking to someone just not me".

I would find this very suffocating and borderline stalkerish. I am on line frequently, with work colleagues, my grown up DC (who has moved out) , my friends, my relatives abroad. He has said he has been busy. I personally would feel claustrophobic if i were yr DP in this situation. Someone monitoring when i have been online is invasive.

With respect OP, you need to talk to him and clarify each of the others expectation.

He hasn't liked this unplanned ( ? ) visit to his work place and the rest of his life . I would be questioning his commitment to me.

You've been seeing him for a few weeks and you're already monitoring his online activity.
This isn't the relationship for you.

The thing is he’s online for what seems like ages whilst at work so he’s talking to someone just not me.

Just because he shows as being online doesn't mean he's communicating with anyone. It doesn't prove anything. Stalking his internet activity is creepy and really unhealthy.

Clearly the work visit wasn't welcome.

He's not that into you.

I doubt this is going anywhere.

Sorry OP.

It wasn’t unplanned, I had to go near his work and he moved his lunch to be able to meet me. I didn’t just turn up. I wouldn’t say I was stalking but I’d go to text him and he’d always be online

I'm sorry....I just have to....I'd dump him. Katy Perry says it all really.

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

"It wasn’t unplanned, I had to go near his work and he moved his lunch to be able to meet me".

Ok, so ordinarily and if you had not "needed to go near his work" , he would not have actively planned a lunch time meet?

"I wouldn’t say I was stalking but I’d go to text him and he’d always be online".

He is allowed to be online. He has a life. Just because you go to txt him does not mean he needs to be available to respond to you immediately. With kindness Op, be more busy with your own life.

" I had to go near his work and he moved his lunch to be able to meet me".

Next time Op, let him find himself near your work and let him ask you to be free and rearrange a lunch time.

I dont think you've done anything wrong OP. You were near his work and met for lunch.

As you've asked if he's OK and he's not said anything wrong with the relationship, I'd back off for a week or so, if he doesnt come forward or offer some kind of explanation for the behaviour change then you could ask again. Doesn't sound like he will be very forthcoming, sadly.

He sounds boring af. Stop investing your time in him and find some other fun things to do.

You said originally that if work was busy you wouldn't text during the day sometimes, so if this is a norm for you it sounds like that this is exactly what has happened, he is going through a busy period at work. İ think cos of the lunch visit you saw it as a step up in the relationship and expected it to change but it has stayed the same. Now you're pushing him about not contacting you whilst busy at work (which has been your normal routine) and it's probably making him retreat a bit.

Hot/cold after a year?🙄

No thanks.