What is gaslighting?

[PurplePrincess31]

If when you are upset at something DH has said or done he asks if you’ve taken your meds (antidepressants) because you’re overly emotional is that gaslighting or not if it could be related to meds?

Also if he “jokingly” asks for sexual favours in exchange for household takes should I just take it as a joke?

And if they say they’ll buy/do something for you as an incentive for you to do something is that controlling or is it an incentive. Does it depend on the situation? I feel very confused about this.

Sounds like gas lighting to me. As for the other stuff....grim. Your "D"h doesn't sound like a nice man

He is generally nice just sometimes comes out with these sort of comments. I don’t know if it’s my fault and I should just take it as a joke or pull him up on it, which I generally don’t do.

How does it make you feel? I wouldnt worry too much about putting labels on his actions. It can be cruel and even abusive without being "gaslighting" as such.

Maybe even if it isn't cruel or abusive, if it upsets you then you don't have to accept it.

Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that your perception is skewed. For example you didn't see something you thought you saw, you didn't hear something correctly, it didn't happen the way you describe. It's the sort of tactics cheaters use. They deny things you have seen or heard and tell you, you are going mad.

So from your examples I would say:

First one, he is minimising your upset ie you are upset because your not medicated, rather than reacting to something he has done to upset you. Slightly gaslighting.

Second one , similar in that he claims it's a joke when he's offended you but he's actually trying to get you to agree to something offensive so your reaction is perfectly reasonable.

Third one, again he's trying to set up a transaction with you that you may not want to do especially if it's something that is his responsibility ie I will pick up our children if you will do me this sexual favour.

All three examples are disrespectful to you and insensitive of your DH. He seems to want to keep you in your place by not getting upset, using sex as a transaction. I would stamp on it next time he does it.

Try pulling him up on it instead of accepting it.

eg "When you joke that you'll do your share of the household tasks, if you get sex, you're telling me two things -

1. that you don't think housework is your responsibility. No, you're one of two adults who lives here, it's half your responsibility.
2. and that you think sex is a transaction. Sex is supposed to be about pleasure for both of us - don't make it a chore for me, because nobody likes doing chores."

But it sounds pretty shit if he invalidates your emotions.

I hate the first example, with a passion. We are human with emotions, medication is there to support that process, not numb it away entirely. Tell him to research antidepressant medication and also read up on human nature. The other stuff makes it sound like he is your parent.

It depends on the situation.

If he asks about your meds out of concern, that's not gaslighting. If he asks it in a way to goad you, that's belittling and emotionally abusive.

Asking for a blow job in return for DIY would be a joke for most couples, as long as you're both clear that it is a joke and you don't feel compelled to do something you don't want to. If you do feel compelled, then that's coercive behaviour, or at a very extreme, sexual assault.

Gas lighting is when they tell you black is white, and wear you down to the point that you don't know what is true or not anymore. For example, him saying he'll pick the kids up, then not doing so and blaming you. He'll totally deny the original conversation. Or accusing you of having an inappropriate friendship with a male friend, to the point that you question yourself and distance yourself from people because you think you're the one causing the problem.

He sounds awful.

The reference to your meds is similar to are you on your period?

Rude, disrespectful and dismissive.

You sound wary and you would be correct.

He sounds grim.

Textbook asshole. He only views your relationship as a series of transactions and your emotions (a pretty huge part of being human) is of no concern to him so he is trying to silence you.

It doesn't have to be gaslighting for you to feel that what he is doing is unacceptable. If it hurts you, it hurts you.

It's not gaslighting but it sounds like he's a twat.