Fiancé has left me and 10 mo

[roarfeckingroarr]

And I really need advice and a hand hold. The relationship has been tough for a while: him working away then starting a new job, the baby not sleeping away from me (but got him in his cot before 'D'P left), him spending increasing time in the pub, no affection or intimacy (from him, his choice, I've tried to address many times).

I thought he was leaving for a couple of days for space but now he's looking for somewhere to live (I own our flat). He's rewriting history, saying our relationship was toxic and I emotionally abused him (honestly, no). He's visiting to spend time with baby every other day and it's so hard.

I feel like I've failed my baby, myself, everyone. I feel utterly unlovable and desperately alone. My friends are being great but this is not what I wanted and I'm just so desperately sad. I go back to work in two weeks and was already anxious about that and putting baby in nursery. I just feel like my world has fallen out beneath me. Any words of advice or kindness would be so gratefully received. I know I'm not the first or last in this position but dear Lord it's so hard.

First of all, you have NOT failed. No one can prepare you for the first year when you have a child and how much your world shrinks. If anyone has failed it’s your exf who has got going when the going got tough.
Get your claim in to CMS, he sounds like the type who will shaft you there otherwise.
Just as an aside, my DS was 9 months when I went back to work and I had to put him in nursery. I was also anxious but it really was the best for both of us. He’ll be absolute fine and so will you. I promise.

Hi @roarfeckingroarr , Im here for handhold 💐 break ups are hard especially if you dealing with someone without morals. It will take awhile to go through it but you definitely will and... you will be happy 😊 just go through the motions for now. Don't put your self-worth in the hands of someone like that. Any man that speaks badly about mother of his child is not a good person. X

Sorry your going through this its a really horrible experience, please listen you have not failed anybody you can't control him and his choices. Him telling you it's basically all your fault is so he can tell himself none of this his his fault, so please don't listen to his nonsense. Also for your own sanity don't pick me dance and try and win him back its often a waste of time and it will drain you even further.

I will be brutally honest, how fast he is moving and the things he is doing if there wasn't someone else waiting in the wings, it sounds like The Script to me. Your first thought may be he wouldn't do that to you but trust me we've all felt that way and thought that so just be prepared if someone else doesn't pop out of the woodwork.

You will get through this. He sounds no good and you and your baby deserve so much more than this treatment, and have done a long time by the sounds of things!!!

I suspect there may be someone because men rarely leave without. I just can't get my head around what's going on, how I feel, what's happening.

What a selfish, stupid man.

You will be OK. Your baby won't remember any of the next year except your love. Sure they will have great experiences at nursery.

Make sure you apply for all benefits you may be entitled to.

The first two years with a new baby are tough, can't imagine the pain and turmoil you're feeling. So sorry.

But this will pass, and you will get through it.

I'm not entitled to a penny annoyingly and I'm almost certain he is going to renege on paying for half of nursery in addition to maintenance.

You're right, he is selfish. Selfish and pathetic and weak and stupid.

He's pushed me away and rejected me sexually since I became pregnant. I've felt so ugly and unlovable for so long. At least now there's a sun and distant light.

Oh I'm sending a massive handhold you have not failed at all he has! He's not mature enough to be a father by the sound of it but you will get through this and be happy again. I know it's really tough now with a small baby but you really will be ok xx

You have not failed. He has.

As many will say, the following are blessings although you may not feel so right now. Please count your blessings right now. Small ones and larger ones.

1. You own your flat.
2. He has left.
3. you have a support network here and friends.
4. You have got a job

my best advice here.
Get yourself a notebook and/or use your phone to detail daily tasks for your independent life.

There will be a lot to do.

FInances is writ large and very important.
Can't see why you will not be entitled to child maintenance. Check the website. Put an application in today. Keep phoning up. It is easy to do online.

Have a look at Gingerbread single parents forum. You are definitely not alone in having to start a new life with a baby. You will see that. You can also phone them up for advice on finance etc. There are support groups starting up again.

Next:
Think about contact. Are you happy for him to turn up, unannouced every other day? You say it is upsetting. Would there be another arrangement that would suit you better.

It's a classic on mumsnet but if he has a key, you need it back, if not get the locks changed in the next twenty four hours. You will need your own space going forward and to work out what is best for you.

Be aware of what he says. He will not be telling you stuff that is in your interests. He will be trying to manipulate you into fulfilling his.
That is difficult to take, but you will grow stronger with time.

Sorry you are having to go through this. I have been a single parent for nearly ten years now. Lots of things are tough at first, and you dont' know how to do them. It will often feel overwhelming so twenty four helplines are good when you are feeling like this. Samaritans on 116 123 you can phone at night if you need to.

The good thing about being a single parent is as tough as things often are, when you get through them, you know that it is your achievement. That counts for big things and little things.

@roarfeckingroarr

I'm not entitled to a penny annoyingly and I'm almost certain he is going to renege on paying for half of nursery in addition to maintenance.

You're right, he is selfish. Selfish and pathetic and weak and stupid.

How do you mean you are not entitled to a penny? he should pay maintenance for the baby?

Please please know whatever happens YOU will be ok. This new journey you're going to embark on will be the best one yet believe it or not..
You're going to find some self love and you're going to realise that you dont NEED any man,

Get the girls over and get all the support you can from family and friends,

I promise one day another man will come along and you'll want to scream from the rooftops how happy you are that it didnt work out with him,

Do you have family nearby that can help and maybe take over seeing him so you dont have to? Just until you feel a little stronger? xxxx

OP said she wasn't expecting benefits, presumably because her salary is high enough, which is good news. She also mentioned that he was supposed to be paying half nursery but may not, in addition to maintenance. Unfortunately, and unfairly, I think CMS payments are the only thing he is legally bound to pay, anything else would be morally reasonable but he seems to be showing his colours there.
I know you feel everything is a bit shit but you sound really switched on to me and the past year of this relationship sounds pretty horrible. In the long run you are definitely better off without this selfish and immature idiot.

Make sure he doesn't walk away from his responsibilities as a father. He has to continue to support his child.

You haven't failed at all. You have done all you can. He has walked away. He's weak and selfish and you are much better off without him.

You will thrive. You deserve better than him.

You're all so kind. Thank you.

I meant that I'm not entitled to any benefits due to my salary. He won't disappear; he doesn't love me but he does love the baby. I'm adamant he should pay half nursery as well as CMS' legal minimum and so far he is. It's just all so overwhelming. I'm so up and down.

Take some space.. he doesnt need to be coming round every other day right now.. just swanning in and out.. arrange times and stick to them, try not to be around if possible.. wait until you are ready and it is on your terms