Not sure anymore if I was right to say NO

[WanderingButNotLostYet]

Away at the moment to see my parents in France (for context, I hadn’t seen them for two years, they are early 80s and my mum has cancer).
I’m due to go back home at the end of the week. DH aware etc…

During our last call, DH tells me he won’t be in when I get back as he and dc2 will be away for the bank HoL weekend. He then says we can meet up on the Saturday in a nearby town ‘for a walk around’ and a meal. They would then go back to to their hobby until the Sunday evening whilst I make my way home.

DH looked surprised when I said NO and I would stay at home. Dc2 was taken aback and sad. I’m now questioning myself. Should i make the effort to go and see them?

For context,

• I have ME and will travel the day before. A 13 hours train journey. I know (and DH should know) that I will be shattered. Going to the nearby town means another 1 hour journey each way and yes walking, which can be an issue at the best of time.
• I have been away for nearly 3 weeks and before that DH was away with dcs (for their hobby) for a week so we haven’t seen each other for about 4 weeks.
• during my 2.5 weeks away, FIL took a turn for the worst. I planned to go back home early twice (changing all the bookings, organising covid tests etc…) just to be able to be there for DH and support him. FIL managed to pull through each time so I ended up staying. I’m feeling gutted that I put quite bit of effort to be there for him but he chose his hobby over seeing me/helping me by picking me up etc…
• both dcs are older teens so didn’t need any ‘looking after’.

You're right to say no. You've been through a lot visiting with your mum ill plus the 13 hour train journey. Go home and relax. You deserve it.

No, its fine to say no. I guess they thought about the day trip because they felt guilty about being away, and because they want to see you. In a family its ok to be practical about things - their hobby was on that weekend, so they booked; you're tired and affected by a chronic illness so the plan doesn't work. It shouldn't be a guilt trip for anyone.

I guess they thought about the day trip because they felt guilty about being away

You’re right there.
I also feel it puts the onus on me so NOW, it looks like it’s me who doesn’t want to see them iyswim. I suppose this is where my uneasiness is coming from.

But you'll see them the next day anyway? Struggling to see why anyone is upset here?

You're right, he's being selfish and putting you on the backfoot.

I would tell your dc that you'll be exhausted from travelling but will look forward to seeing them when they get back.

@category12, that’s what I said to dc2.

I would actually point out that you have been away for 3 weeks and will be exhausted and emotionally drained as it may be the last time you see your Mum and how disappointed you are that his priority is to his hobby not supporting you.

That is true.

But then at the same time, DH really thought his dad was dying (he is terminally ill) so I wouldn’t want to play to ‘emotionally drained’ card either.
The difference though is that I have been there for him, ready to drop everything for him. He isn’t.

How long had the hobby weekend been planned for?

That's an important point

@Polmuggle

But you'll see them the next day anyway? Struggling to see why anyone is upset here?

It’s a good point @Polmuggle. It’s only two days difference. Not a major issue as such. It’s the carelessness that hurt.

But mainly my issue was around dc. As a pp pointed out, it’s the fact I became the one responsible for disappointing dc when it’s dh (and dc actually too) that decided to go away.

I think the bit about him not being there for you is for a conversation with DH, I didn't mean with the DC.

@BrimFullOfAsher, on paper for a while.

However, as far as I know, nothing had been booked when I left and all plans had been thrown out of the window when FIL became unwell (he is still in hospital). I can’t see how the decision to go was more than a few days seeing that a week ago DH was crying over the phone because he thought his dad dying there and then.

It fine for you to say no because you'll be too tired. But a bit unfair to blame him for being away with a hobby (especially one that involves your kids) after you've been away for 3 weeks yourself:

I’m feeling gutted that I put quite bit of effort to be there for him but he chose his hobby over seeing me/helping me by picking me up etc…

I don't think it's fair to expect them to cancel all their plans that have been in place for a while (even if not completely confirmed) just to see you a couple of days earlier. And best not to try to guilt trip because you made a few admin changes online when he thought his dad was about to drop dead.

I think it is perfectly fine for you to say you are tired and will see them back at home a couple of days later. I don’t think you should be making any point about him not being there and claiming you were there for him, because actually, no you weren’t.

And best not to try to guilt trip because you made a few admin changes online when he thought his dad was about to drop dead.

That’s what I said! (Even though the issue wasn’t just a few admin charges. It was also cutting short my trip to see my parents, one of who is ALSO seriously ill. And with little chance to see them again in the next year. The emotional cost to them and me of going back to support DH wasnt négligeable. I was still happy to do it though)

It may just be me, but it isn't clear if you ACTUALLY cut short your trip, or you were just WILLING to?

I cut my trip short, booked everything to go back home less than a week after arriving in France.

DH insisted at the very last minute, I didn’t need to come back.

(Last minute = less than 10 hours before my departure time)

So when we're you meant to be back then? We're you going for 4 weeks originally?

I can see why they would want to see you and be disappointed that they aren't, but obviously if your tired then fair enough. I wouldn't be expecting them to cancel their plans though