I predict an alcohol problem

[Oooare]

DH is quite greedy in general and I'm already worried about his health as he ages as he eats too much processed muck. But, it occurred to me only this week that I think he's on track for alcohol dependency too.

My own parents went through it- it started when they would drink more than everyone else and parties and go too far with alcohol even when they were responsible for us as youngsters. It got gradually worse and holidays would be tainted by Dad's need to find a pub by lunch time. Mum followed suit and eventually they both started drinking during the week, every single night once I reached my early 20s. Domestic violence followed and they eventually divorced.

I married an academic, nothing like my parents or so I thought. From a good family who barely drink. But I'm noticing that when DH drinks, it's too much, it's overboard. Even when we have 2 young children to be responsible for. He has no stop button. He can't seem to discipline or limit himself. It feels too familiar.

At parties, he will make a beeline for the bar before speaking to anyone. Then suddenly become the life and soul of the party after a few drinks. On holidays, he opens a beer at 6pm when we eat and will drink until bed time, even if I'm not drinking anything. He'll sit nursing his beer, barely speaking to me, conversing with me at all, just in his own world.

If he's designated driver for a night and I'm drinking he'll complain that I've wasted a drinking opportunity if I don't drink until I'm drunk and just happily enjoy 2 glasses of wine.

Do I sound like I'm overreacting?
I never want to be with a heavy drinker like my parents were and, although I'm nowhere near at a point where I'm really worried about him, I'm struggling to respect some of his drinking choices.

If he only drinks excessively on holiday or at parties then that might be annoying but it's probably not a serious threat to his health. If he does it almost every day then he is certainly approaching dependency.

Hi OP,

You do not sound like you are overreacting at all. It sounds too much for me too, especially what you write about him “zoning out” and not bothering with you and the children.

I would firstly start by trying to talk to your husband. But be careful, this is a really sensitive topic obviously. There’s help, usually through the GP, but also in the workplace. But again, he needs to understand that this is problematic behaviour - that will probably be your biggest challenge.

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice. Seek support with family or friends you trust. Stay safe, you don’t want this to get to a point where you don’t feel safe in your own home

If he's designated driver for a night and I'm drinking he'll complain that I've wasted a drinking opportunity if I don't drink until I'm drunk and just happily enjoy 2 glasses of wine.

This one stood out for me. It shows an unhealthy attitude towards alcohol that I've experienced before.

I agree that it's the whole ''I've missed an opportunity to get drunk'' idea that makes me think he has got a real problem with how he views alcohol as a whole.

He doesn't think ''I'll have a good time with friends whether I drink or not'' or ''I'll only have a couple because we've young kids who may need me'', he's only thinking about what he's ''missed out on'' and what a 'waste' it is if you only have a couple of drinks

So it's all about how he views alcohol that would be a huge issue for me, so I understand exactly what you're getting at.

My only advice is to talk to him. Tell him that you're having a problem with how he views alcohol and ask him if he even realizes that he becomes uncommunicative and morose when he drinks at home, and seems to have to get blotto whenever you're out, regardless of his parenting responsibilities. I'm sure he's aware of your past experiences with your parents, so tell him that these were the signs that were clear to you as a child, when alcohol became a problem to your parents.

Parties and holidays it’s quite normal to have a few drinks in the evening. What’s his normal drinking habits Ie daily etc?

Your are right to be worried. Talk to him about it now. At least that way, at worst, he knows how you feel. A word now might make him realise that he does have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and he can reign it in.

@GreyCarpet

If he's designated driver for a night and I'm drinking he'll complain that I've wasted a drinking opportunity if I don't drink until I'm drunk and just happily enjoy 2 glasses of wine.

This one stood out for me. It shows an unhealthy attitude towards alcohol that I've experienced before.

I agree, my ex-husband used to say the same. His alcohol use was the main reason for the divorce.

Yes it's his views around alcohol and his over indulgence are really the problems I think.

Even if we go to friends for dinner with the children, they might offer a glass of wine or a glass of gin and he'll request both.

I remember the influence Dad's drinking had on my mum. Frustrated at first, until eventually she joined him as she felt lonely. This bothers me. As DH becomes sort of unrelatable when he's been drinking. I don't want to be become like him through silly determination to make our marriage work.

No to be an addict you don’t need to drink every day.
Binge drinking is an issue too.
You can make contact with Alanon for yourself.
He seems to be able to control his drinking around work, but once that’s done he binges and drinks till he’s drunk.
He may wish to look at healthier ways of managing his stress.
Are there any addicts in his family - no necessarily alcohol - it’s not surprising given your childhood experience you have become involved with a man with this issue.
Contact Alanon. Also look up Adult children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional families - look up the traits and see if you identify with any of them.
Good luck

You cannot fix him OP.
You have no control over him and you cannot cure him.
You need to focus on yourself and your own needs.💐

Does he drink at home?

There are many women in his family who are addicted to food. 2 of whom have had surgeries as a result. DHs BMI was 38.5 at last check.

He drinks at home at weekends or if he has some "nice beer in" then he'll have one each evening until they're gone if he's working. The binge drinking is an issue at weekends/holidays as we have 2 young children to look after. I don't like how willing he is to get drunk when we're caring for oir kids.

Talking to him about his drinking is likely going to be as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. I would think you've already done this and been summarily dismissed by him.

You cannot rescue and or save him here; you can only help your own self and you need to decide longer term if this is a relationship you want to remain in. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing them?. As your children get older they will certainly notice Dad's drunken boorish behaviour around them and you a lot more. Your parents model of a relationship was not good either and we are drawn as adults to the familiar.

It is a threat to his health not least from a fatty liver, high blood pressure and various heart issues. Hardened drinkers over time loose weight and suffer increased risk of cancers whilst moderate drinkers mostly gain weight. Add to that the rollercoaster spikes in insulin production potentially leading to type 2 diabetes then it is a disaster waiting to happen. That and much more which is a contradiction to other pp's have said. I have witnessed this several times first hand, and am watching my brother slowly kill himself.

Is he drinking more than the recommended max daily alcohol units? If so that could be a place to start a conversation.

People I have known drank because they were unhappy. Stress, job they hated, pressure, unhappy relationship, lonely, childhood/adolescent trauma. They blotted it out and didn’t even admit to themselves they had problems that were impacting on their mental health. They just drank to blot it out.

The harsh reality is that you can’t make him look after his health. It’s his choice to do what he does. And it’s highly unlikely you can get him to stop. He doesn’t want to stop. Drink makes him happy. He probably won’t admit he’s unhappy or whatever. I’d put a bet on that he says he’s fine and poo poos your concern. He may even accuse you of being a nag or get angry.

You have to decide whether you want to be around this. Especially with children. You know what that feels like having been there yourself as a child. And how it has affected you.

As others have said, you need to put your own health and that of dc first.

Alcohol is a hell of a thing.

I'd tell him that you have noticed his drinking habit and that you are not willing to stay in a relationship where alcohol plays a large part. Tell him if he doesn't cut back and look into why he's becoming dependant that it could very well spell the end of your marriage. I wouldn't waste my life pandering to him and glossing over the way he's behaving. If he denies his dependency to alcohol then you need to seriously consider what you want to do with your life. You do not have to stay with him.