Family fallout

[MamaBxo]

I need advice, my 12 yo son and his aunt have always wound each other up. Usually she'll have little sly digs and he'll dig back and try to piss her off, sometimes he says mean things to or about her 3 yo because he knows it will annoy her. Long story short, she blew up at him shouting, swearing and calling him names and stormed off, I didn't witness what happened but he told me his version and feels he didn't do anything accept call her out for not paying attention to her child who almost fell out a swing while he was playing with her but she was literally feet away on her phone. He is adamant he didn't do anything wrong but in my opinion she is in the wrong for verbally abusing a child, I'm being made to feel like I need to apologise to her for him annoying her. She is trying to justify her behaviour as she was upset because she thinks he was trying to hurt her child. She's now saying my 12yo son was hitting and pushing her(the aunt) telling her child to run in front a swing,trying to throw the swing at the child and pulling her legs while in the swing and nearly making her fall out of it. While he admitted he was grabbing her feet in a playful way and she was laughing he has denied trying to get her hit by the swing. He literally thinks he was just playing with her. I'm furious she thought she could talk to my child the way she did and still doesn't seem sorry. I don't know how to clear our differences, I need advice

I wouldn't try to resolve this immediately. Can you agree to let feelings diffuse a bit before you even try to patch things up?

I'm inclined to think it's mostly her fault because she should n't be dragging a 12 year old on a regular basis!! I found it odd that she's regularly making sly digs to a 12 year old. Wow. Not her finest hour surely. Unless your son if a very strong character, he'd feel really badly betrayed by somebody siding with a relative who regularly makes sly digs about him!

But I think your son, although only 12, should be wary around her and not teas her or horse around with her.

Let the heat die down and then maybe maybe (depending on what you've heard) tell your son you absolutely believe him that she wasn't paying attention to her child and that she was annoying him because she always does, but ask him to tell her that he shouldn't have been horsing around with her.

He's 12 now so how long have you let his aunt bully him?

Yes! He is a kid. She has always been an adult in his life. Her behaviour does sounds bullying - she has manufactured their relationship in a really unhealthy manner. His response is designed, shaped by her behaviour.

You need to keep them apart. He is old enough to be told that this last episode has been bad and that you don't want him to feel he has been in the wrong or to keep putting him in a position where he can be blamed.

She is an adult and can be told enough is enough and she needs to remember he is a child and that he is mirroring her own behaviour. If she doesn't like it tough. She is your sister, not your boss. You can tell her no!

Agree with PPs that sounds like aunt is the problem. Wouldn’t ever leave DS alone with his aunt and would limit his contact with her, for his sake.

If an adult and DC ‘wind each other up’, the adult is at fault. If - as it sounds - she dislikes DS, it won’t benefit him to spend time with her.

Like hell I would apologise.She should apologise for losing it and swearing at your child.
Wind ups are not on if somebody’s getting upset.
I’d stop any time that they spend together.Have a word with your son about avoiding “wind ups” (goading)
and if any of them provokes each other I’ll be down on both like a tonne of bricks.

The aunt is the problem, she's the adult but i would be furious with my child if he said something nasty to or about a 3 year old. Why have you stood by and let all this develop?

Why have you allowed an adult to harass your son? And why have you allowed your 12 year old to get away with being disrespectful af to an adult?

Is your son generally disrespectful? Because if so, you need to learn how to properly address that. Ir he'll be a bugger to handle in a few years time.

You also need to protect him from adults who are toxic. It sounds like his aunt may be a narcissistic sort of person who has singled him out as the family scapegoat, for some bullying.

Only you'll know what is more likely - if the aunt is a bully or if your son is. There is no excuse for her to have shouted and swore at your kid but, you were not there so, has she confirmed that she did or does she have form for similar behaviour?

Either way, keep these two apart in future. They obviously bring out the worst in eachother.

I was thinking it's not acceptable for an adult to continually wind up a child like that. It looks like passive aggressive behaviour from her towards your son, she doesn't like him but is making it look like she's being 'playful' with the winding up.

I would keep him away from her. He's not mature enough to deal with this and needs to be protected from her.

Your post is a bit confusing but if the scenario went like this which it sort of is suggesting

Your son playing with her child on the swings
Child nearly falls
Son makes a dig at aunt for not paying attention
Aunt loses temper at your son

But to be fair If my nephew was playing with my young child quite happily on the swings I wouldn't be watching them like a hawk and hovering over them? So it was pretty rude of him to them "call her out" - he's a child and really not for him to comment/judge on someone's parenting?

sometimes he says mean things to or about her 3 yo because he knows it will annoy her

I think this is really out of order and as his mother you shouldn't let him get away with this? It's rude and disrespectful and has taught him that in yours and his eyes he's perfectly entitled to speak to his aunt how he wishes and that's how you have now ended up in this situation?