Sworn to secrecy dilemma

[CuckooCall]

This isn’t my problem but my sister’s (she’s not on here but knows I’m posting on MN about this). I personally don’t know what to advise her to do at all so thought I’d get some opinions on MN and then she can consider what she does, if anything.

So her SIL (we’ll call her Sarah) is in a long term relationship with her partner. They are due to get married later this year. Her partner is a difficult man- he is very sexist and believes a woman exists purely to please her man. He’s difficult with her family and blows hot and cold- sometimes he’s very friendly and life and soul of the party and other times he’s morose and standoffish. You never know what you’re going to get. He doesn’t like any of her friends and banned a number of them from their home, so she’s lost contact with most of them now. He’s also tried to cause arguments between her and her family.

So my sister’s in-laws and DH dislike this man but after a huge argument where Sarah said that if pushed she would cut everyone off if they didn’t support her relationship with this man, they have all been walking on eggshells around Sarah and her partner.

Sarah has a history of being with awful abusive men, and whilst incredibly strong in the workplace, she is extremely vulnerable in relationships and she’s had a series of men who dominate her. She is utterly obsessed with her current partner and for a long long time could see no fault in him.

However, and this is where my sister has an issue, Sarah is starting to very slowly see this man for what he is but it’s a one step forward, ten steps back situation.

So my sister and Sarah have a close mutual friend. The mutual friend has told my sister that Sarah has confided in her how awful her relationship can be. This man has told her repeatedly how much he hates Sarah, that he just wants her money, that he needs someone to look after his children, that she’s worthless etc etc. She earns really good money (6 figure salary) and so he spends all his money on himself (he earns around £60,000 himself) and then expects her to completely fund their lifestyle. He pays virtually nothing towards the mortgage, food, bills etc and he expects her alone to pay for their very expensive holidays, champagne, cars and so on. He has two children from a previous relationship and does nothing for them- when they come to visit he refuses to do anything for them and expects Sarah to do everything for them. If she does something he doesn’t like whilst caring for the kids then all hell breaks loose and he gets angry and shouts, throws personal insults around and then punishes her with long periods of silence. She acknowledges how awful he can be, but he intersperses his horrible behaviour with love bombing so during the good times she seems to forget how bad he can be. However, the horrible behaviour is becoming more and more frequent. They are due to get married in a matter of months and it feels like watching a car crash in slow motion. She can see what he’s like but believes it’s just stresses of his job or she’s making him angry.

This was all brand new information for my sister- she knew he made her personally feel uncomfortable and that there was something not right about this guy, but she had no idea how abusive he actually was towards Sarah.

So Sarah swore the mutual friend to secrecy- she has told no one else what is going on and begged the friend not to say anything to anyone. The friend was so worried that she confided in my sister but has sworn her to secrecy as well because if this information comes out then Sarah will know who passed the info on and turn against the mutual friend. My sister has now been put in an awful situation where she knows exactly how abusive this man is towards her SIL but can’t say anything to either Sarah or her dh for fear of outing the mutual friend and causing a huge family fallout, which ultimately will end in Sarah marrying him anyway and being completely isolated from her family. On the other hand, if my sister’s dh finds out that she knew about Sarah’s situation but hadn’t said anything then that will cause problems with her own marriage. It’s a mess and my sister can’t win either way.

I don’t know what to advise her to do. What do MNetters think? Keep quiet and risk her own marriage and Sarah marry this man, or speak up and risk a huge family fallout that would then push Sarah further towards this man and isolation from more friends and family?

I wouldn't say anything at the time being, or rather, advise your sister not to say anything.

If I were your sister I'd just keep the relationship open and let her know in very subtle ways that you she has her back and would support her if she needed it.

I was in an abusive relationship and until I was ready to leave, people telling me I was worth more or insinuating he was behaving oddly, it just embarrassed me and so I withdrew to avoid being judged.

"Sarah" is obviously aware of what is going on if she confided in her friend. Short of kidnapping her, if Sarah wants to go ahead with the marriage she will. It's so sad but it's true. Sometimes you see the car crash happening but can't stop it.

So Sarah is your sister’s husband’s sister. Hmm. No I do not keep secrets from my husband, especially ones that concern the welfare of his sibling.

I definitely agree and think my sister needs to keep communication open between her and her SIL so that Sarah knows there is help there if she needs it. It's just the question of whether she risks telling her dh. If it were me then I would tell my dh and formulate some plan with him to try and help her without dumping the friend in it, but my dh is generally calm and rational in difficult situations. My sister's dh on the other hand is a complete hothead and his immediate response to most things is to go in like a bull in a china shop and then think rationally later.

Geez, that's an awful position to be in.

She's really found herself in a lose:lose situation, hasn't she ?

I really don't think it would help her to tell her H if he couldn't be trusted not to charge in, all guns blazing, but it would certainly make his sisters BF realize that his abuse isn't the well kept secret he clearly thinks it is. However, I'm sure it would make his sisters' life worse in the long run.

Whether or not her H could be 'reasoned with' about why she hadn't told him ? Only she knows. We can see it was done to help protect his DS and to ensure some communication/support was still available to her, until such time as she was ready to leave, but would he ?

If I were Sarah, I think I would concentrate on keeping a relationship with SIL and BIL to be, and would definitely not let SIL know that her other friend had told her anything, because that relationship also needs to remain intact, so at least she has a friend in RL to 'confide in'.

Longer term, I'd encourage my mutual friend to keep me updated to any major developments/changes which may mean SIL was at increased risk of harm, but otherwise ask the mutual friend to just keep being SIL's RL friend/confidante and not relate anything else to me.

I'd keep my ear open, and my mouth closed, unless SIL was in danger, and wait it out. Eventually, hopefully, she'll decide to leave him. When that day comes, she can be ready with RL help and support, but no-one ever needs to know that she was doing all she could to help SIL keep relationships alive so that she could have help and wasn't ever left feeling she was 'abandoned' by her family because of who she 'loved'.

I don't do 'let's call her'.

The woman who is being mugged off by her partner needs to be told. Someone has to do it, directly and privately. They have to say exactly what was said (as far as they know it) and who told them. This will probably mean the end of the relationship between the teller and the tellee. That's fine. Leave husbands and other uninvolveds out of it.