Hi everyone,
Over the years I’ve posted about my ex on and off, we met 7 years ago on Tinder. We had a bit of a whirl wind relationship, he did mention early on that he was leaving to living in Australia a dream he had for many years. But we liked each other and decided to continue the relationship to see if it would develop into anything. We both were in our late 30’s at the time. I fell pregnant, and he essentially left to live in Oz.
Three years ago we started talking again, slowly building up a relationship for our child via email and then onto facetime. He decided to come back at the start of this year, and we tried to give it a go again. My ex suffers with MH issues (anxiety/depression) which is part of the reason he left in the first place. I can’t and will never truly understand what makes a man abandon his own child, but due to his MH issues I felt this was a large part of it. Naively I thought he has sorted out his issues in the time we had apart and grown up. Big mistake, I realised quite quickly the same issues/patterns were there again. Coming on all strong at the start and then acting hot and cold as the relationship became more serious. He broke up with me when I challenged him on his behaviour.
I won’t ever go back again now. I don’t want to have a messed up child through this. I’m glad my DD has some sort of relationship with her dad, but he really has too many issues and will never change. A classic avoidant attachment type. At 45 he has never settled down, so I don’t think it’ll ever happen.
Previously I had tried to put him out of my head, but always thought there may have been a chance we might get back together so I never moved on. I needed to know if it could work. Now I have closure. But I’m devastated, I feel stupid for feeling this way. But I have so many emotions going through my head, disappointment being the main one. I really wanted the normal biological mum/dad and child unit and I’m sad this hasn’t happened. I know it’s over now. There is absolutely no way I could go back again, I’m just relieved it happened only a few months in so my poor daughter wasn’t subjected to this for too long. She’s 6, old enough to understand a little bit. But I don’t think it’s scarred her long-term. She just knows her dad has only ever been a part time dad, who has never lived with us. He will more than likely go back to Australia, so I have sought advice from a child psychologist to help manage my daughters expectations.
I would love to meet someone new now. But I don’t understand how I go about doing that? I’ve seen a councillor in the past and may do this again. However I still can’t help how I feel, I have strong feelings/possibly love for someone who is an absolutely disgusting human being but he is incredibly attractive and we are very compatible (away from our issues). I now have to see him every three weeks for supervised meet-ups with my daughter. I want to detach, but it’s going to be so hard when I still despite everything care and am attracted to him. I’ve joined some dating apps, mainly just to have a bit of fun and just to get out there. I’ve been in this state of limbo for 6 years, I know I should take time to heal etc but I’ve stayed single all these years – I don’t want to waste more time.
I’m sure plenty of people have been through rubbish divorces and come out the other end, meeting new wonderful partners. How did you do this? How did you get over the past and pain? I know my pattern, I’m drawn to avoidant men as I used to be more anxiously attached. But since I’ve had my daughter, I’ve slowly become more secure. I’ve done lots of self-reflection, I know my issues (I have a deeply avoidant father) and I know I need to be with someone secure. I won’t settle for less going forward, but I don’t know how to actually move forward. Help!