Moving on from a Narc - Did I ?

[NoProblem123]

In short, my first serious relationship has turned out to be my only one. Met through work me 21, him 35 and what I now know as narcissistic. He left me at 24, penniless, heartbroken and pregnant.

I concentrated on baby and putting myself through exams, and enjoying a simple, stress free life with no more drama.
Fast forward 18 years and I’ve never had another relationship. Never looked for one.
Did I actually move on ?

I’ve recently joined Facebook and seen pictures of a friend’s baby shower, and it’s just made me so sad that I never had all of that, or anniversaries, or the happy holiday photos (yes I had a proper nosey!). I never had the whole ‘life journey’ with someone where you face the things together.

I know it’s better to be on your own than in a miserable relationship, I tell MN that often enough, but should I have made more of an effort back then ? I’m too old now !

You sound like you’ve done a great job focusing on you and your child-and you’re now, what? 42? No way too old! You have carved out a successful life and now it’s time to go after a relationship if that’s what you’d like. You know you don’t NEED a relationship so that gives you time to choose who you want to spend your precious time with, rather than settling. I had an ex who in hindsight was a narc, it made me seriously question myself and my judgement and left me feeling really insecure. I met my STBXH 5 months after and now I wonder if I met him when I was still vulnerable and didn’t make the best choice. Have decided to give myself at least 1 year to find myself and establish a happy life on my own. That said, I do enjoy being in a relationship so I’d not rule out looking for someone in the future-just not in the next few years! I’m 48 so if you’re too old then…😱 Go for it, enjoy ‘shopping’ for a partner and take your time. Above all else, give yourself a huge pat on the back for picking yourself up and making life great for you and your DC. Good luck!!

I'm fairly similar OP

I met my H at 20, we married when I was 27, and it ended after 10 years, when we had 3 DC. It was a horrible abusive marriage.

It's 8 years later & I'm probably only beginning to recover. It's been very tough, the emotional abuse continuing, no real support, financial struggle. I'm not yet divorced. A lot of counselling has finally let me understand what happened & how to recover. I truly lost my sense of self with him. As my DC get older, he has less control (he uses them as pawns effectively. He does very little, so everything is on me).

No-one bar my counsellor really understands. I know people often think I've everything sorted - I've a good job, kids seem fine - but it's actually still hard. People wonder why I haven't dated.

Part of the reason is it's not me. I really placed a huge value on being married, and that life together. It's why I put up with it so long.

As I'm gradually recovering myself, I still have hope that there is a future relationship for me. I'm 45, look & feel good, I think, but largely comfortable with putting my kids first, and trying to feel ok with myself. (I don't mean that women who have relationships are not putting themselves first, just speaking about me).

You are still young. I think in any case a relationship can happen at any age, if you are ready. I know for me I have to be happy with who I am & my choices & then maybe the future will bring happiness for me. I could not have trusted a man, or had a relationship. I'm not sure when / if that will change. Sadly, I think the aftermath of abuse can last a long time.

I can completely understand your feelings, I get such a pang looking at my family & their partners. It's the mundane ordinary stuff I crave.

Thank you both for replying- knowing others have had similar life experiences helps get my thoughts in order.

I’ve never really felt this way before, I know social media isn’t a true reflection of anything ! It’s just left me with a feeling of being stupid - like how could I get it so wrong when everyone else gets it so right !

like how could I get it so wrong when everyone else gets it so right !

I've had this feeling too.

However, it's really not true, especially in your case.

You went from this:

He left me at 24, penniless, heartbroken and pregnant.
To this:

I concentrated on baby and putting myself through exams, and enjoying a simple, stress free life with no more drama

That's amazing 💪.

To have taken that on at 24, and not only survived, but thrived is the exact opposite of getting something wrong.

I know that can be cold comfort when you are lonely & feel you've missed out on life events. For example, I often get people saying I'm amazing for managing the 3 kids, working, keeping it all going. But I don't take much comfort from this, because I didn't really have any choice & I did my best, and put the kids first.

But the truth is you (and me, hopefully!) did get it right by escaping & building a better life. I really hope there's some opportunity for both of us to have a happy relationship. Your DC is 18, maybe you are now seeing a chance to think about your needs, as they move into a new stage?

Best of luck 💐

@EarringsandLipstick that’s such a lovely reply, thank you so much

Best of luck @NoProblem123 your post really resonated with me. I think you sound great but totally got how you felt looking at that 'other life' on SM.