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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone unpick this? (Weird jealousy thing I think?)

16 replies

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 07:30

I live in a cul de sac (relevant!) with neighbours, three of whom I work with (not not closely, we work for the same organisation, although my DH works with one closer).
A few years back one of the neighbours "Dan" (a temperamental bloke same age as me, fun to be around, married, children) dropped into a conversation at work that I had bullied him into doing something (I absolutely hadn't, and this was backed up by people who were there who all said no bullying occurred and if anything his attitude towards me was what was off, he wasn't making a serious accusation but it really really stung, particularly as we'd always got on so well). So I reduced our friendship to friendly acquaintances (nod and Hello but nothing more).
About a year later he stopped me in the street, borderline aggressive, to ask why I had cut him off (I hadn't?! We never socialised together anyway, I just stopped the friendly texts and maybe weekly chats).
Anyway, things muddled along and I rarely actually saw him anyway, but have checked in over lock down, had a couple of nice chats etc.
In front of the cul de sac is a nice green area with benches. His garden is nearest this. (Sorry for not doing a diagram!) but neither is visible to the other (as far as I know, I certainly can't see into his garden).
I go there probably three times a week innthe evening to clear my head as our garden borders a main road and is noisy and small and overlooked.
He's often out in his garden entertaining, and can be heard, with other people innthe cul de sac/organisation except us. This is where I get to the nub of things : I am simultaneously quite jealous that we haven't been invited... Ever, and also thankful that he hasn't?! I sat out last night listening to laughter and so on and felt sad but also thought "I hope he doesn't invite me because I don't know what to say if he did".
I feel confused as to why I am both jealous and also sort of lonely feeling but also kind of disliking Dan at the same time.

OP posts:
Frannibananni · 24/08/2021 07:33

FOMO. I think it’s normal to want to be invited even if we don’t want to go. We all want to be part of the herd and be liked.

Flipflopfoodle · 24/08/2021 07:38

I'm antisocial but still feel a little sore when left out of things, even though I know full well I'd hate to go and make an excuse to avoid it in reality. I think it's normal to want to be liked.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 24/08/2021 07:40

Is it the others at the gathering you resent?

Dan was unkind to you; you dropped him as a friend, but other people still like him - do you feel that they are being disloyal to you in some way?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 24/08/2021 07:59

It's deep in you somewhere that dear Dan is seen by others as a nice normal bloke. But something in you brings out his weird.

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 08:08

I do feel left out yes I think thats definitely part of it. It's frustrating because I've done various favours for the cul de saccers (looked after their children on several occasions, watered plants, marked special birthdays with thoughtful (not expensive) gifts) and none of this, I realised a couple of years ago, has been reciprocal. So I feel like a bit of a mug too.
I don't mind Dan too much, he is good fun to be around, and his wife is OK and again, I've taken her places before as she doesn't have a car.
We invited one set of our other work/cul de saccers around the other night for a drink in the garden (late enough for the noise not to be too much of an issue) and they said "why haven't we ever done this before" and I just thought "because you've literally never invited us" (we've only recently even had access to out little garden as two years ago it was someone else's - long story).
I'm very anxious about covid so don't socialise at all indoors, it does hurt to hear other people having at least weekly get togethers and never be invited.

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GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 08:13

Plus, why stop me in the street for a rant about not being his friend, if he never (ever) made efforts to socialise with my anyway?!

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HunkyPunk · 24/08/2021 10:50

It sounds like Dan is the ‘alpha’ in this group of cul-de-sac colleagues? Are the gatherings always at his house? (Would be way too claustrophobic for my liking!)

Maybe you feel anxious that if you’re not on his A list, then you won’t be on anyone’s radar and you will be left out on a limb? Definitely FOMO. Or rather FO not being Given the Opportunity to Opt Out - FOGOO! Think this is all exacerbated by the close work/neighbour ties.

I would instigate socialising on your own terms, not pine about THE invitation. Carry on inviting people over for drinks occasionally, even Dan and his wife, not as a big group, but individual couples?

Off in a tangent, do you think there’s any attraction between you and Dan? (intensity of him confronting you, you describing him as fun to be around etc.) If so, then definitely maintain a distance unless you want life to get really complicated.

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 19:58

Ha! I think FOGOOO is probably quite on the nail actually!! 😂
Attraction? Uhm god there's a question. I mean, the whole having an almost - shout at me thing was weird. But I can't imagine he would be attracted to me (I'm the polar opposite to his wife). Besides, if he were, I can't imagine never socialising with someone and then having a go at them randomly would inspire any affection?!
It is quite claustrophobic, although actually I see more of friends who live two hundred miles away than I do of most of these people so.?!

OP posts:
5128gap · 24/08/2021 20:14

It sounds like there's slightly intense feelings on both sides to me. You certainly both seem to want each other's attention. Being different from his wife is irrelevant. People aren't necessary only attracted to one type of person.

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 20:19

Thanks, Uhmm I don't think there are intense feelings?! Are there?! I mean I wouldn't say i actively avoid him but... I probably do. And it's not like he's seeking me out either?! Clearly!

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5128gap · 24/08/2021 20:49

@GreenNotebook

Thanks, Uhmm I don't think there are intense feelings?! Are there?! I mean I wouldn't say i actively avoid him but... I probably do. And it's not like he's seeking me out either?! Clearly!
Maybe intense isn't quite right, perhaps disproportionate may be a better way to put it. Him stopping you in the street like that, you being upset by HIM leaving you out, rather than him and his wife, and when your other neighbours have been a bit disappointing to you too. I could be totally wrong though.
Cherryana · 24/08/2021 20:58

If his attitude to you was ‘off’ - are you senior to him? It will be something about his ego especially if he was saying you were bullying- he was projecting.

You did the right thing to pull back as there was a break in ‘trust’ (probably too strong a word to describe your relationship but the reciprocal conventions were broken by him and you felt hurt. Boundaries are a good response.

On to garden antics. Your feelings are natural. Of course you want to be invited and have the choice to say no. But this is one of those Taylor Swift shake it off occasions.

If, and only if, you want to be friends with the group you need to start by inviting some of them around but in couples to get to know them properly.

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 21:05

I'm kind of Junior to him although we don't have any kind of reporting line and in some ways I'm senior (although earning a fraction of what he does) and I think it may well be some sort of ego trip as presumably he was annoyed I wasn't around to ask about his dull as fuck hobbies anymore.
I know I need to shake it off (particularly given I don't even particularly bloody like these people?! FFS!) But yes it does really hurt.
It also makes me view past events quite differently. One of the in group cul-de-sac people ditched his wife a couple of years ago. She was always made out to be a bit unhinged and stuff. And I admit my own interaction with her was always a bit awkward. But I know for a fact that his next relationship overlapped. I look back and think that actually, I bet they excluded her too.
I get really cross at myself for being sad I'm left out of a group of people I don't even like (I don't think).

OP posts:
Cherryana · 24/08/2021 21:15

Don’t be mad at yourself.

It is what it is. If you acknowledge you feel hurt, and that’s okay - your feeling will pass much better than if you block it.

Poshjock · 24/08/2021 21:33

I wonder if you are a person of influence? Maybe others talk highly of you and/or respect your opinion. The fact they sided with you previously is telling. I wonder if he has narcissistic tendencies and your calling him out and distancing him will annoy him- you should be dancing to his tune. His larger than life personality and ostentatious garden parties fit with this theory too. If he is narcissistic then carry avoiding and keeping him at arms length. You don’t want to be involved in his crazy.

GreenNotebook · 24/08/2021 21:50

I would love to be a person of influence but alas no!
Totally keeping at arms length I think. I clearly need to get a life away from this goldfish bowl.

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