I live in a cul de sac (relevant!) with neighbours, three of whom I work with (not not closely, we work for the same organisation, although my DH works with one closer).
A few years back one of the neighbours "Dan" (a temperamental bloke same age as me, fun to be around, married, children) dropped into a conversation at work that I had bullied him into doing something (I absolutely hadn't, and this was backed up by people who were there who all said no bullying occurred and if anything his attitude towards me was what was off, he wasn't making a serious accusation but it really really stung, particularly as we'd always got on so well). So I reduced our friendship to friendly acquaintances (nod and Hello but nothing more).
About a year later he stopped me in the street, borderline aggressive, to ask why I had cut him off (I hadn't?! We never socialised together anyway, I just stopped the friendly texts and maybe weekly chats).
Anyway, things muddled along and I rarely actually saw him anyway, but have checked in over lock down, had a couple of nice chats etc.
In front of the cul de sac is a nice green area with benches. His garden is nearest this. (Sorry for not doing a diagram!) but neither is visible to the other (as far as I know, I certainly can't see into his garden).
I go there probably three times a week innthe evening to clear my head as our garden borders a main road and is noisy and small and overlooked.
He's often out in his garden entertaining, and can be heard, with other people innthe cul de sac/organisation except us. This is where I get to the nub of things : I am simultaneously quite jealous that we haven't been invited... Ever, and also thankful that he hasn't?! I sat out last night listening to laughter and so on and felt sad but also thought "I hope he doesn't invite me because I don't know what to say if he did".
I feel confused as to why I am both jealous and also sort of lonely feeling but also kind of disliking Dan at the same time.