I want to leave but I can't

[Guiltyy]

I have been with my husband for 9 years. Married for 5. Met him when I was 17 and fell in love. Married at 21. First baby at 23 and now 6 week old second child. I do not love him anymore and I want to leave but I can't. The arguments are too much to handle. Have been physical on 3 occasions from both sides. I am losing my mind. Suffered postnatal with my first child and I am trying to keep myself sane with this child. We do not get along in the slightest. He is constantly working and when he comes home, all he does is shower, eat, be on his phone and sleep. He is no longer romantic. Nor do we go out. I can't remember the last time we told each other we love each other. We are not affectionate. We hardly talk and when we do, we argue. I feel myself being repulsed by him. He has tried to have sex with me but I keep turning him down
I don't want to sleep with him when he treats me like chap
I feel as though I am no longer sexually attracted to him. I started talking to another man, no flirting from my part, but I feel myself enjoying our friendly conversations seen as I am not getting anything from my husband. He has never financially supported me with the kids. He has never brought a Christmas present, birthday present or cake, clothes, essentials. I do it all. When I ask for money, he tells me he pays for the mortgage and bills. I feel like I'm going crazy everytime I speak to him. He constantly taunts me that all I do is stay at home with the kids but I know if I leave the kids in his care, he won't cope. At this moment in time, all I care about is my children. I hate that I have brought them into this situation but i don't regret having them. We live with his parents who I also hardly talk to. When I try to confide in his mom, she says since we got married, he has changed and implies that I am the reason why. My mom has begged me to work things out for the sake of the children. I just can't see a way out. I want to be happy but on the other hand, I don't know anybody but him. He was the love of my life. My first for everything. I just don't know how I can leave him. I know he will be broken if I did. He's just too comfortable. I'm sorry about this paragraph but if I told you the whole story we would be here for years. I just need an escape. I need to get away from him but I just can't do it. Everytime I think about leaving, I look at my children and I stop myself. Where am I going to take them? How am I going to survive on my own with two kids? How will I financially support them? I am literally pulling my hair out. I see myself looking to other men for conversations or attention and I don't trust myself to not take things further with them on the basis of wanting to feel loved. I am no longer my happy usual self. I am always tearful, feeling down, looking for comfort in anybody. I honestly feel the more I stay, the more I fall out of love. I really don't know what to do anymore apart from look after my kids. I am just stuck. Stuck in this loveless relationship and there's no way out.

Why do you think he will be broken?
Surely he isn't enjoying the non life you have together?

The few times I have expressed my feelings to him, he laughs it off and tells me we will be fine and that he knows I won't leave him. He tells me that he can never see himself with anyone else and he knows we will always be together. I have told him that I spoke with another man and he shrugged it off and said he doesn't believe me until he sees it for himself. Like I said, he's very comfortable in the relationship. He 100% thinks I won't stray. He has told numerous family members that he loves me and would never leave me. The problem is, he doesn't tell me that.

he tells other people he loves you and behaves you like that? thats not love. thats just facade.

he is neither a good husband or a father. a good father cares for the mother of his children.

him and his mum know you have no choice but to have to live this life and accept their wrong behaviour.
they are both wrong you know that and you have to believe in yourself.

interest with other men is the most wrong thing to do at this point. you are very fragile, you will be prey for some abusive men.
and also, it will be a reason for a divorce when you cheat.

you have 2 very young children. you are in a very vulnerable position. first point of help is your own family. you have to explain that you are being treated very badly by your dh and his family, you are very unhappy and need their help, their standing by your side. they have to take into account also that this environment is not good for their grandchildren.

if this doesnt work, you better contact womens aid because there had been physical violence. they are there for women in your position who have been abused.

you are at the very beginning of a difficult journey but in the end it will be good for you and your kids.

also, what mortgage is he paying whilst you are living with his parents?

What you need to know is that it is a common pattern for domestic abuse (which includes physical violence but also includes verbal abuse, financial abuse and coercive control) to begin or get worse on marriage, pregnancy, the birth of a first or subsequent child. This is because he has an increased sense of ownership over you as a possession, and that you feel more obligated to stay by love or the practical difficulties of extricating yourself from the relationship.

He has changed. It isn't all in your head. But it is also not your fault.

The next thing you need to know is that it is only going to get worse over time. Yes, he might cycle through moods where things feel better and where they feel worse, but overall, it spirals down.

So you need to get out.

It sounds as if your family is not being supportive. You can get help from women's aid to leave him safely. Do not confide your plans in him because trying to leave can cause him to double down on control and aggression, or make him put on a nice guy don't leave act which won't last.

You may also be able to get support from your midwife or health visitor.

You absolutely can leave, but do it with help, safely.

When I say he has changed, I mean his behaviour changed, not that he has actually had a personality transplant. He just couldn't keep up the nice guy act which reeled you in for long.

Even if the only thing wrong with the relationship was that you didn't fancy him any more, that would be enough. But this sounds like a really toxic relationship to raise children in, they deserve a mum who is with someone she loves and a environment where their parents aren't arguing the whole time.

Financially things might be a bit tight but plenty of single mums get by and you may find yourself much better off than with a controlling partner who doesn't share the family money with you. Women's aid or your health visitor can help you get advice about housing, benefits etc.

You can do this. You need to.

Having been in this situation womens aid is absolutely the best option for you. If you are in a womens hostel you will get all kinds of help and will be housed from there
Ring them today.

Did you feel like this before you had the baby, or since the baby ?