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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Salvaging a toxic friendship for the sake of dc

18 replies

bridgeofslides · 24/08/2021 00:22

I stopped contact with a formerly v close friend a few months ago due to some frankly abusive behaviour directly toward me and also their life choices severely impacting on me. Sounds like a right old drip feed I know - sorry.

My mental health went to shit last year and the ceasing contact was partly due to the zero level of support I got with that.

Our children are very close and I feel terrible about this aspect of things but it got to the point where I had to look after myself so I could look after my dc.

My dc are asking about their dc now quite a bit as we had a shared hobby we are now not doing together at all. My actions have pretty much cut it off for the other family. My dc are saying they miss the other children. I have explained to my dc that I needed a break this year and that some behaviours which happened when we were altogether are too much for me just now and I need a break for a while. They were quite understanding about it but I notice them mention those kids a lot in past and future tense.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and had several months off work recently. I'm back now but very fragile. Dp on occasion encourages me to try and patch it up with the friend. I can't even think about it it makes me feel ill. I can't even take a step. Part of my recovery at all is connected to simply refusing to acknowledge this area of my life. I can't cope with any kind of conflict.

I feel dreadful I have cut the children off from what we're in essence their cousins. They have no quarrel with one another it's so unfair on them. I know dm and dp think I should try and work it out for the sake of all the children though they have not pushed this idea at all. I feel like I can't win either way.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 24/08/2021 00:25

No ...

stay away 🌸

Heartofglass12345 · 24/08/2021 00:45

I wouldn't, not if whatever they did was bad enough for you to cut contact with them.
The children will get over it, they'll always find new friends Thanks

Strokethefurrywall · 24/08/2021 00:57

I cut contact with a difficult acquaintance- her kids were lovely but she was a drama seeking hellion. Always talking about the married men she’d slept with, her shite marriage (to a really decent guy). I cut her off and although DS asks after hers fairly regularly, I have absolutely zero intention of picking back up.

My kids have other friends and she was one anxiety inducing headache after another. Save yourself the ball ache OP.

MinnieJackson · 24/08/2021 01:13

I was in an extremely similar sitiation. My husband still takes the eldest (15) to her CAMHS appointments, and sometimes my ds and her younger dd will drive with them, but I cannot be there anymore.
They would do anything for us, but I've had so much grieve that I haven't been to see them in the summer.
Every time I leave my God daughters scream and cry, won't let me leave until I've put them to bed (which I can't understand) and leave one my belongings, like.a necklace or ring,so they know I'll come back.
Social services is, thank God now involved, but I just feel awful for distancing myself. I've seen so much aggression and anger at the house, I can't stand it and don't want my kids to see any of it! You're not alone, so sorry this is so long. I actually don't have a phone at the moment because I had about 40 messages a day from her.
There's no bad feelings on my part really but I do worry about the girls and have them at my house when I can for cooking and manicures lol. The only problem is they don't want to leave, then take them home and the mum's really angry that they didn't want to come home Confused

GreyCarpet · 24/08/2021 09:57

No. I did a hobby with a friend of mine. He loved it. He was my best friend for a decade and we were incredibly close. Then, over the course of 6 months, his behaviour changed towards- He became petty and spiteful. I spent less time with him. It seemed to improve so I started to let him back in and he physically pushed me.

Still don't know why it happened but he also left our hobby - couldn't show his face as he pushed me in front of the group. He loved it. Do I sometimes feel guilty about it? No, not really. I think it's a shame his behaviour cost him his hobby but that's all.

My daughter was also good friends with his - we went on holiday and spent Christmases together etc. so she lost that but you can't tolerate or let your children see that you tolerate shitty behaviour!

twoshedsjackson · 24/08/2021 10:54

I notice that your DP is trying to persuade you to meet up again for the sake of the DC; if he's really bothered, perhaps he could take over facilitating contact. No, wait a minute, that would involve him making an effort......

rookiemere · 24/08/2021 11:08

Yes I was going to suggest that the DP takes the DCs to the activity

lobsterkiller · 24/08/2021 12:12

No, please don't reinstate contact, you did a massively brave thing to walk away from this "friendship." Your children maybe asking after the children, but that will lessen as time goes on. You made a decision and nobody should be querying this.

As previous posters have said, if your husband wants to he can facilitate it, however maybe a clean break for you all is best so you are not giving this person a way back in.

Really hope you are better soon.

Original poster
bridgeofslides · 24/08/2021 13:22

Thank you for the replies it means a lot. Dp cannot take the children to the hobby - too outing to explain - we just go on our own now. It's been fine.

I've been able to discuss this with one friend irl so far who was almost speechless in response.

OP posts:
Sportysporty · 26/08/2021 10:32

Have to say I'm also a fan of your writing style Rosemary and your sang-froid is fierce x

Sportysporty · 26/08/2021 10:32

Sorry wrong thread x

Bonheurdupasse · 26/08/2021 10:35

Stay away OP.
You cannot sacrifice your MH.
And should not be expected to.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 10:40

Nah, best for your kids that they are not away from people like that. They are young, theyll make new friends.

ChaToilLeam · 26/08/2021 10:43

Your mental health comes first. Hard no!

Original poster
bridgeofslides · 26/08/2021 11:13

@Sportysporty

Have to say I'm also a fan of your writing style Rosemary and your sang-froid is fierce x
😂
OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 26/08/2021 12:01

Trust whatever part of you felt this: 'Due to some frankly abusive behaviour directly toward me and also their life choices severely impacting on me.' Whatever you mean by this, trust your gut. I find your thread really helpful because I also cut off a 'friendship' where the kids got on brilliantly and have felt huge guilt over it, but I was finding my 'friend' a complete nightmare and whereas I was trying to face my anxiety, she was and probably still is living off the constant drama of hers. She was also always 'right' and exhausting to be around. I feel guilty but I also feel mentally better for being honest with myself and walking away.
On some level, even though I liked my kids friendships I also didn't want this woman's influence over their lives. So I had to make a choice.

QueenBee52 · 26/08/2021 12:04

@Sportysporty

Have to say I'm also a fan of your writing style Rosemary and your sang-froid is fierce x

Oooohh curious 🤣😂

Popetthetreehugger · 26/08/2021 12:37

Just looked sang friod …staying calm in the face of danger 🤣 perfect .
Please do whatever keeps you safe in mind as well as body x

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