Really need advice

[Daddan88]

Hi all, sorry to just drop a huge story and asking for advice but I thought I should ask mums who could have great advice or similar experiences.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I've been away from the family home since March as me and my wife have had a really rocky 8 years.

This all started when we met each other, she knew I was someone to settle down with but wanted the party lifestyle so she strung me along until she was ready. This used to cause me huge anxiety. After a year or so we bought our own place, we always had arguments but as you do just worked though it.

I used to love our life together and we decided to have our first child who's 5 this year. From there on its been an absolute nightmare. I would say I have to hold my hands up and own my behaviour because we argued so so much.

Since we have had our son we have been focused on achieving the best family goals, huge house nice cars but neglected each other.

We then tried for another baby, and the same as before a few weeks she's pregnant. Which was great. Until her appendix ruptured a month before the baby was due, she was really ill in hospital over Christmas and I found it a struggle to keep my son happy and my wife and newborn daughter.

As much as I wanted to see them both I knew my son was being passed from pillar to post. I trusted her family and said that it's not fair on my son to be handed round everywhere and we all need to work together and spend set times there.

They told my wife I didn't want to see her and I was moaning which was a lie. So fast forward a few months and the arguments are absolutely horrible I couldn't handle to situations I was being put in and eventually she asked me to leave for a month and said you know what's coming after the month it's not good is it.

At this point I didn't want to be with her I was fed up she had been horrible to me for years blamed me for everything and it was a mess.

Here's where you all hate me... so a week into this break a woman at work said to me you're not yourself come round for a brew later and we can chat. We'll more fool me because I went there and slept with her. After I come to my senses a few minutes with her I left the house mortified.

I was so sure that I knew what the end was.

Fast forward and I tell my wife what I did. I have to own the mistake I made. A few weeks later she still wanted to sort our relationship out. I still wasn't ready I needed to make sure my head was straight. I didn't wanna rush back and mess the kids around more if it didn't work.

We still tried and I slept a few nights a week. We argued... my heart wanted to sort it out but my head didn't.

This happened a few times. Fast forward to the last few months I've been 100 percent ready I'm having professional help to show me how to control emotions and communicate correctly without getting worked up.

My wife now doesn't want to sort it out. She wants to wait and make sure I can function correctly in the family home. She ses I've done things that have really hurt her and she needs time to get over it.

It's no normal break up I'm round here every day after work. We have tea together and she stays out with her family or friends so she can sleep well as I know how tough no sleep can be so I tell her to go out.

I buy her flowers every week. Write her love letters. Nothing works.

If we can get over all the past which includes how horrible she used to be to me we would be perfect. We make a great team.

I'm just so anxious about it all. I have no clue what to expect. I need to have a perfect run with perfect communication to make her want to spend time with me. She's told me.

She once said we are like magnets that always attract each other.

Why does she want me round all the time? She ses it's weird when I'm not here.

One moment she ses I don't know what the future holds, the next she ses just sort yourself out and you'll be with your family forever.

So so confused. 2 months ago I wasn't ready now she isn't I was trying to do right by my kids. I also said about professional marriage counselling as we can then start a fresh.

I'm so sorry if it doesn't read right. It must sound like we're so stupid . There has been so many good times that she doesn't remember when I list them she doesn't say much.

Don't roast me guys lol.

Honestly, I don’t think you two are compatible. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.

You should absolutely continue with professional help to control yourself as it will help with other things too.

I’m hoping you are going weekly to someone who can give you counselling too.

All the nice words, flowers and letters won’t help if you don’t love each other any more.

I wonder if she’s just using you but actually isn’t that into you, however you have your uses and are the father of her child so it’s convenient so she continues to string you along.

I think you’d be better with a clean break to be honest. Do the best you can by your son. Have him around you as much as you can. Pay fairly for him and make sure he has quality time and fun with you.

Thanks for your reply. I think she's into me but I think she knows that her personality is quite different and it takes a lot to accept. I always pay for my kids. Pay maintenance and the mortgage to make sure they have a roof over their head.

I did think is it a confidence thing. She's back to work soon. That can also complicate things.

Sounds like she’s just keeping you on a string as you pay the mortgage etc. Therefore convenient to have you around.

Because of what’s happened in the past though when both of you behaved badly towards each other I don’t see how things can get back how you’d like. Ever.

I know it would be convenient and stuff but I think it’s over between you. You can be a better person and move on.

Your poor poor wife. My teenage dc recently had a ruptured appendix, it was fucking awful…I can’t begin to imagine how that would have been for her being heavily pregnant - I assume she also had a c-section?

To me it sounds like there were already major cracks in your relationship and it has not held-out under the trauma your wife went through.

And as for the cheating, you just sound as if you have no empathy for her at all. Were you actually in the hospital with her when she had the appendicitis? Did you see what she went through? If it ruptured, then please take my word for it, she’s been to help and back and was most likely suffering mentally post-trauma.

I would stay away OP, you are toxic for each other. Let her heal and try and be good co parents.

Hi three flowers. Yes I was there all the way through it. I think that was what broke everything to be honest. Like it's been said there were cracks to start with.

I think I've learnt a lot from my whole experience which is it doesn't matter what you want to achieve in life unless you have each other then it's pointless because you don't have any foundations.

I stayed and looked after our baby while she was in recovery and when she woke up I took the baby to her.

I totally understand why you say I had no empathy because what I did was so wrong. My mind punishes itself every hour of the day.

It's tough reading what everyone has said it really is, but I'm open to opinon it's why I posted this because I can talk to any professional in the world but its nothing like speaking to someone who gets a situation and forms an honest opinon.

I know how good things could be between us I think that in order to even look at a first base I need to let her heal. We both said we shouldn't of got married, we should have spent the money on marriage council and holidays to make good memories. Instead we wasted money on something that we didn't need to do.

This sounds so unhealthy. You should enrich each other’s lives. Instead you are both making each other miserable.

No flowers or love letters will make up for it.

The ‘don’t roast me guys lol’ tells me that you think this is all a big joke.

I wouldn’t want to try either.

Hi!

This sounds like a roller coaster… Do you and your wife really want to be together? Is it something you both want or is it something you both think is the ‘right’ thing to do (as you have a children/ convenience/ familiarity) … it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship tbh…

Sounds quite a volotile relationship. It also sounded as though she loved you a lot.
You were not good at communicating and probably took the relationship for granted, I know this because you left and slept with others.

You have unfortunately destroyed the trust in your partnership, you can talk all you want about how she wanted her own way and you wanted your own way but you decided to betray her.
For all she knows, you may have had a relationship with this ow and tried to make a go of it and now you want to return.

It doesn't work like that, you ruined it for her by the sounds of it and no matter what you do it is ultimately up to her to forgive you.

Maybe if you leave her alone properly and allow her the same sexual freedom she may come back to you to make a go of it in the future, because that's what you did.

Those are the choices YOU made and you cannot turn back time.

Sorry. You fucked up.

Sorry but no amount of flowers, wine or chocolates will help. Either look at long term therapy or call it a day and try to learn for the future.