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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Driving Myself Mad

22 replies

WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 19:07

Hi,

I've posted before under different usernames and received some really supportive advice/tips.

I've been dating someone a short while and on the weekend we slept together for the first time. I stayed over at his and it was lovely, we cuddled and kissed all night, had very little sleep! The following day we spent the day together, went out for breakfast and then lunch, went for an ice cream and a walk etc. I then left and drove home (we take it in turns commuting to each others area for dates, we only live around 20 minutes apart) I havent heard from him since.

We already have a next date planned for Wednesday this week. The logical side of me says that we have a date planned, I saw him yesterday, there is no reason for him to contact me. We don't text everyday usually, most days but not everyday. We mostly text to firm up plans and to have a little catch up.

Im just worried that because I've shagged him he's disappeared. The last three people I slept with did exactly that.

This new guy, I have tried to take a step back. He has contacted me first every time, he has planned the dates, he has asked to see me again. I have made it clear I am interested though.

I know I could message him but I don't want to, I want to feel that he wants to speak to me, rather than is replying out of obligation. I am sick of being the one always trying.

I know nobody here can tell me what he will or won't do! I'm just wondering if anyone can offer ways of managing my thoughts on this matter? Or whether these are "normal" thoughts while it is so new? Do other people feel this way or have my bad experiences with men skewed my view?

Thanks all, I'm driving myself mad worrying, overanalysing etc. I was absolutely fine with this new guy before I shagged him.

OP posts:
premium77 · 23/08/2021 19:14

Fgs just text him.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2021 19:18

Umm..so you saw him last on Saturday? Or yesterday even?

Lol chill out op it's only been 2 days. And he even speny the day after with you.

If he had got up and left before you even woke then yeah, I'd think that was that. But as is...

Why dont you just message him?
'Still on for wednesday?'.

As is, you're making a mountain out if a mole hill.
And if worry that if you are this insecure you should not be dating at all rn. OR that if his behaviour (prior to this) is contributing to this insecurity in you rn, then he is not the one for you.

Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 19:20

Im not texting him. I am always the one making allowances, texting, chasing, making sure they are happy etc and I refuse to do it anymore as it ends in me being walked all over. I want to see him make some sort of small effort, if he can't even do that then obviously it won't work anyway!

Perhaps I do sound a bit insane refusing to text him but history has shown me that instigating doesn't work, so I want to try things a bit differently this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 19:24

Thanks Pink, this is nothing to do with his behaviour.
I was in a horribly abusive relationship 3 years ago, I've had a lot of therapy since then (still happening) and I've had a lot of bad experiences OLD since then which is only solidifying my irrational views.

In normal life I'm secure, confident, I have a good job, a hobby that takes up most of my time etc. I have one major issue in life and that is men unfortunately.

The last 3 people I shagged all disappeared, how could I not be overthinking this?!

OP posts:
Sakurami · 23/08/2021 19:30

No don't text him. This behaviour would put me off him. You've slept together so surely a 'it's been a lovely weekend' type of text is normal?

It's not you, it's them. Keep dating. Have high standards and you will likely find an amazing person. I did :)

Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 19:39

Thanks Sukurami, that is exactly my thought process too! I am glad you have met someone. A simple text and end conversation there is what I expected. I have no desire to constantly text him.

It seems I can't win...
The last thread i posted was about me dating a guy, he invited me over to his and said we could go out etc. I drove round (30 minutes) arrived and called him to let me through the gates. He said he was at the shop and would be 5 minutes. While I was outside waiting I noticed that he had blocked me! Grin So I had to drive the 30 minutes home.

People then said I shouldn't be so accommodating, I am too nice so people walk all over me, I should have more boundaries, I should make them make the effort to come to me, contact me etc. So then I went away, read a couple of books, discussed this in therapy and I'm trying a "new" way with this guy. That's why I'm so adamant that I won't be reaching out.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/08/2021 19:50

If someone's communication style / frequency changes suddenly after you've slept with them the first time then I think it's a pretty dick move on their part. So if they usually message each morning then not doing so for the first time the day after your first weekend having sex is bound to feel crap for you OP. Your feelings make perfect sense, listen to them.

Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 19:54

Thank you. He doesn't actually message every day usually so I can't blame these worries on him. (Though I do think he could have said that he'd had a good time)

Incidentally, he has just contacted me. I'm clearly just metaphorically bruised from all my previous shitty treatment!

OP posts:
SStopRaisingHim · 23/08/2021 19:57

Totally understandable that you’d think the worse.

Did that gate man ever contact you again? That was such a wild story. He was a plonker! 🙂

Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 20:04

SStop, he did! He found me on FB and messaged a couple of days later, "what are you up to?"

I am trying my best to acknowledge that this guy is not anyone else who has wronged me. I obviously do not show any of this to him! Grin

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 23/08/2021 20:09

Awww glad to see he’s now messaged you. All ok? Not surprised you were worried though. It’s horrible feeling used

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 23/08/2021 20:14

He hasn't messaged - OP was talking about a previous relationship Grin

spotcheck · 23/08/2021 20:16

OP
It's hard, but don't drag all your past crap into your new relationship. How can you have a healthy relationship if you are on the defensive all the time?

If you want healthy, the ACT that way, and just trust in yourself enough to let it go if need be.

NerrSnerr · 23/08/2021 20:17

Im not texting him. I am always the one making allowances, texting, chasing, making sure they are happy etc and I refuse to do it anymore as it ends in me being walked all over.

What if he's sat at home thinking exactly the same? I suppose no one texts and it dies a death?

Sakurami · 23/08/2021 20:25

When you're in the right relationship you don't need to worry about texting or not texting. You feel lived and valued and you behave naturally without having to second guess yourself. All the best op.

bunny85 · 23/08/2021 20:30

No, don't text him first. Make him chase you, not the other way round. Man who's interested will always find a way to get in touch!

SStopRaisingHim · 23/08/2021 20:31

@WhatThymeIsIt

SStop, he did! He found me on FB and messaged a couple of days later, "what are you up to?"

I am trying my best to acknowledge that this guy is not anyone else who has wronged me. I obviously do not show any of this to him! Grin

Hahha amazing! You’re so well shot of gate guy.
Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 20:42

This new guy did contact me!
It's all fine, he is totally lovely (so far) and has done nothing to make me feel this way! There is genuinely not a single red flag with him (so far)

I cant expect him to make me feel secure at this stage, it is such early days. I do feel like he genuinely is interested in me, it was just the after sex panic I think. I have been fine between dates, it has all been so easy and so straightforward. I'm really not used to this!

I do acknowledge the comments about him sitting at home and thinking the same.

OP posts:
Queenofsupreme · 23/08/2021 20:46

@NerrSnerr

Im not texting him. I am always the one making allowances, texting, chasing, making sure they are happy etc and I refuse to do it anymore as it ends in me being walked all over.

What if he's sat at home thinking exactly the same? I suppose no one texts and it dies a death?

He won’t be thinking like this. I agree op, let him instigate then you can see his real feelings and level of effort he’s willing to put in. I do think he should have text after the weekend, even if it’s normal not to. He must’ve known it was a big deal. I think you said he has text now though ?
Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 20:50

Yes, he has text. It was yesterday I saw him last and he has said how much fun he had etc. He has organised everything so far and he has instigated every conversation except one. I am definitely to blame for this one Grin

OP posts:
Queenofsupreme · 23/08/2021 20:52

Don’t worry, it’s not surprising given what you’ve been through. It’s a sign you like him! Hopefully, over time you’ll be able to relax and trust it will work out and he won’t let you down

Original poster
WhatThymeIsIt · 23/08/2021 21:11

Fingers crossed! It's about time something like this works out for me, whether it's him or someone else Grin

OP posts:
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