Friend issues

[Gonnagetgoing]

I’ve got a close friend who I fell out with a few years ago, but made it up with her and we met up when lockdown eased last year in autumn. As she was struggling with her mental health due to depression etc and being on furlough and not working I sent her a crystal care package during first lockdown and a birthday card and small gift later in the year to let her know I was thinking of her.

I’ve now seen on Instagram a few posts where she’ll post “missing having drinks with my girlfriends” and last week someone let her down as she was meant to meet them when she had her hair done but they didn’t turn up. I sent her a groupon deal invite recently only as I know she loves food but she was away. But not heard from her at all otherwise and a lot of time in the past she’s been with her boyfriend at the weekends which I get, she wants to spend time with him.

I’m just getting a few “vibes” from her that I’m last on her list of priorities and due to a chequered past with some friends I’m wondering whether to bring this up with her or just let it slide.

What would you do? Ignore or bring it up with her?

I wouldn't say anything personally
I have a 3 strike rule when it comes to friends though , if they cancel on me or even if they are genuinely too busy to meet up but I've asked 3 times in a row I stop contact and wait for them to make the next move to save face.

I think PP suggestion is a good one. I tried to bring up this kind of thing with a close friend and it seriously backfired as she told me it was all in my head, I had too much time on my hands and various other unkind things. I think she knew she'd been a bit shit. It instead of apologising she denied it all and made me feel like an idiot. We don't talk now. I regret even starting the conversation. She's missing out on a good friend here so let her get on with it. Hang out with people that make you feel good x

This is both really good advice.

I can’t be bothered running after someone who obviously can’t be bothered! Thanks

Absolutely what cuddle muffin says, spend your time with people that make you feel good (and for whom your a priority) I’ve had a friend do similar and it made me feel like crap, we don’t talk anymore and although I was initially sad now I realise I’m a lot happier dealing with the way she was treating me, MH problems don’t give you free reign to treat people badly

Happened to me so many times now so I know how you feel. I've let them go in order to make room for better friends who treat me the way I feel I deserve. After the initial disappointment in them, they've really not been missed.

She’s not that into your friendship. She’ll realise in due course that she’s missed out when she sees you out and about with other real friends. Her loss. Hang with the ones that care about you.

So hang on? Suppose she messages me etc, replies to texts etc do I ignore or unfollow on Instagram etc? I don’t necessarily want to confront her but after we fell out last time I didn’t miss her.

I would do nothing just now.

If she texts or contacts you I’d reply when it suited you, the next day if needs be, to be polite. I wouldn’t go out of my way for her.

Wow she’s just replied to a text (asking her about an area near where she lives) very friendly offering me to stay with her?!

I think this would also be a good opportunity to look at your behaviour with her. I have a friend who would say similar to you, but what she doesn't see is that she can be unintentionally quite judgemental of other people's life choices (think food choice, exercise regimes and the sort) and can be quite intense and all encompassing due to her mental health issues which was only made worse in the lockdowns. Lovely person with a good heart but I've took a huge step back and I've heard through the grape vine how hurt she is by it and how it's out of the blue.
I don't regret taking time out from her as I was started to dread seeing her but I also know that I probably should have been vocal when I felt judged instead of silently seething and not expecting her to be a mind reader when she had no idea that she upset me, and probably could have been a bit more patient with her. Our friendship is currently a message or two every few weeks, it may go back to normal in the long run but right now it works for me.

You don’t have to do any running after her, but could you keep her as a casual friend you see/hear from occasionally?

If she’s doing you a favour and you want to take her up on that fine.

As long as she doesn’t let you down last minute and puts you out of pocket or something.

Wouldn't mention it. You've made effort with her, if you're not getting it in return I'd focus on life without her. If she reappears, wanting to meet and you're free then there's nothing stopping you. Try to view it in that way rather than a proper friend to lean on.
I don't think addressing it will do any good. She'll put in as much effort as she wants to.

So from this are you comparing me to her?! All I did was send her stuff during lockdown which she appreciated. I partly did this to help out a small local business but also as I’d fell out with this friend. Maybe this could be considered intense but I don’t do this unless I want to do it and certainly back off if she’s busy.

Have never been critical of what she’s done eg food choices etc but she’s French and we have swapped beauty, health tips etc as I think they’re better than English ones sometimes.

We actually had quite a nice text chat last night where we plan to meet up soon but it’s so tricky if someone doesn’t know plans re work and has lots to think about re life choices.