DP interfering with my decisions regarding DS [Edited by MNHQ at poster's request]

[mybuttonisbroken]

I wasn't sure how else to describe what my DP but it's like he interferes with my decisions regarding my DS8. He doesn't live with us but we've been together around 6 years.

An example. DP comes over and asks DS whether they have done xx activity. DS says no I forgot, DP then says oh I've been looking forward to you showing me that all day. DS then immediately wants to do the activity. I say no as you've got to have a bath soon, you can do it tomorrow.

DP then steps in, why can't he do it, it's too early for a bath, he doesn't need one yet, let him have one later etc etc. All in front of DS. DS then starts to argue against me saying he needs a bath. It carries on.

I just said to DP why do you need to get involved, I'd never dream of telling you what to do with your DD. He is now sat here sulking and looks like he's not really talking to me. Am I in the wrong here? This sort of thing happens all the time!

I would ask MN to edit your title because the phrase you’ve used is…not good.

@WhatsAppening Oops, never looked at it that way. Have asked them to change it!

Agree with you. Tell he needs to back you up every single time, and is he can't do that then he can make his way back to his own place.

He's being a dick and undermining you. He should have your back and if he doesn't then show him the door.

Yep he needs to not undermine you!

I’d agree he was undermining you if the scenario happened in reverse order:
So you say bath time, then DP says what about activity xx? Let’s do that instead.

But it’s not
DP is saying what about activity xx, lets do that and DS wants to
And THEN you say, no, you cant it’s bath time.

So, actually I feel that is you countermanding him and blocking him from playing with your DS. Is there a reason why you don’t want your DP to have a relationship with your DS? Do you see DP and DS as two separate parts of your life and have no vision of a future where DP becomes a step-dad?

He's undermining you, making you a bad guy, confusing your son and causing tension between you and your son.

Whether it's motivated by immaturity or selfishness / desire to be the 'cool one'... it's inappropriate, overstepping and unacceptable.

Especially as you've told him not to do it and he continues. What a dick.

@PlanDeRaccordement

DP is saying what about activity xx, lets do that and DS wants to
And THEN you say, no, you cant it’s bath time.

You missed a vital step - And then OP says 'but you can do it tomorrow' aka a reasonable compromise that means her DS still gets to do the thing and bond with this guy.

But instead of being an adult and saying 'awesome, can't wait to do that tomorrow with you dude' to DS, this guy joins OP's son in arguing against her suggested compromise. In her own home. About her own son.

Is there a reason why you don’t want your DP to have a relationship with your DS? Do you see DP and DS as two separate parts of your life and have no vision of a future where DP becomes a step-dad?

She says they can do it tomorrow... HE argues instead of facilitating that or asking her first when is a good time to do xyz with DS to check it makes sense with their schedule and routine. Like an adult would do.

I'm not sure how youve read this as OP being unreasonable tbh, maybe you genuinely didn't notice that she suggests an alternative time that does work and it's argued against by her son and her adult partner.

Is today the first time you've called him out on it?

I would attempt ONE conversation about this, at a time when DS isn't around and you're both calm.

Something like "DP we need to talk about parenting DS. I am DS's parent, just like you are to your DD. When I make a decision as DS's mum, that is my decision to make. I understand you will not always agree with what I decide, and that's okay. What's not okay is for you to say so in front of DS. When you do that, it makes DS confused and unsure, and that is not healthy for him. It makes my job parenting him harder. From now on I want us to both agree that we will back each other up with the others parenting. It's okay to disagree and discuss in private, but never in front of DC. "

If he then continues doing it, then your only option (apart from splitting up) is to limit his visits to only when DS is not there.

Don't let him continue undermining you.

asking her first when is a good time to do xyz with DS to check it makes sense with their schedule and routine. Like an adult would do.

Ridiculous. You can’t run everything you might say or every possibility of what the DS might want to do before going over to your partners house! That’s simply not realistic.

He's undermining you in front of your DC. This is not acceptable.

You missed a vital step - And then OP says 'but you can do it tomorrow' aka a reasonable compromise that means her DS still gets to do the thing and bond with this guy.

I did not miss that. But in reality the “do it tomorrow/later” is often used to placate with no intention of it actually happening the next day....which is coincidentally when the DP won’t be there? So that sort of negates the point if the DS sharing activity xx with the DP.

@PlanDeRaccordement The activity wasn't meant for DS and DP to do together. It's something DS would do on his own and then show DP when he next came over.

Have you spoken to him about this? Clearly told him this needs to stop? If you have, I'd be getting rid of him.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I usually make a comment about him doing it but this is the first time Ive actually said 'don't do it, I wouldn't do it with you and your DD'. Which is why he is now sulking I expect.

The sulking alone would spell the end for me. I would never tolerate that bullshit. Tell him he can go home and stay there.

He also appeared to be giving my DS one word answers for a while due to his sulking.

@PlanDeRaccordement

You missed a vital step - And then OP says 'but you can do it tomorrow' aka a reasonable compromise that means her DS still gets to do the thing and bond with this guy.

I did not miss that. But in reality the “do it tomorrow/later” is often used to placate with no intention of it actually happening the next day....which is coincidentally when the DP won’t be there? So that sort of negates the point if the DS sharing activity xx with the DP.

Just after you posted this OP explained it's something her DS could do the next day then show her boyfriend when he's next over. So you'll be happy to know she isn't making him miss out on anything at all. You quite often seem determined to argue against the majority of posters for the sake of it so you may well find more fault with OP's approach despite the fact she's clarified!

Ugh sulkers are the worst OP, I don't blame you for being massively put off by this.

Undermining a parent is the sort of thing a dickhead does. Tell him to stop doing it and if he refuses see him away from DS.

Tell him to go home to continue his sulk, or snap out of it pronto so you can have an adult conversation about what just happened (away from DS of course!)

@mybuttonisbroken

He also appeared to be giving my DS one word answers for a while due to his sulking.

Ah so he's showing your DS how to act like a pillock too. Sounds like a catch.

He also appeared to be giving my DS one word answers for a while due to his sulking.

That would be the end of it for me. I wouldn't stand for anyone taking their bad mood out on my child.

You do realise that sulking behaviour is rooted in emotional abuse.

Why are you with this man at all?. Where do you see this going after six years together anyway?. What is in this relationship still for you now?

He's sitting sulking in your house?
Tell him to fuck off home, the dickhead.