I have three kids, two older preteens and a one year old baby. I developed pnd about 6 months ago and have had some CBT which helped a bit but recently started having dark days again.
One disturbing development is that I seem to have started to blame everything on my partner and it’s become like a mental itch that I can’t stop scratching.
There are three main themes to these thoughts:
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he’s not taking the baby enough to allow me to have me time / get things done around the house. If he cared more he wouldn’t leave me to struggle. In reality he does quite a bit especially with the older kids on top of a quite full on f/t job.
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he’s using covid as an excuse to stop me going out - I get very anxious about going out with the baby outside my comfort zone of about 2 hours. This is my issue, probably exacerbated by lack of going out during the pandemic but I’ve stated transposing this into my head so that it’s his nervousness about Covid and using public transport that’s limiting me… I find myself thinking… if only he supported me more is not be so anxious then I wouldn’t have a problem … it’s his fault I feel this way.
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he has started to resent me because we’ve only had sex a handful of times since the baby was born a year ago and he’s giving up on supporting me because he doesn’t get much back. The reality is I’ve no evidence of this. Additionally the lack of sex is an issue I kind of caused as I chose to co-sleep with the baby which makes having time for intimacy near on impossible. Naps are also tricky as I lie down with the baby to get her to sleep and find it hard to leave without waking her.
Round and round these thoughts go in my head for days on end until I reach snapping point and lash out at my DH. I’ll then spew out how I’m feeling but it always ends with him pointing out when he has stepped up / or I’m being unreasonable and me feeling like an idiot for distorting everything in my head. Things will then be ready a bit better fit while but then the thoughts will start to creep back in again.
Has anyone else experienced this? Writting this down now I feel a bit mad! Is it hormonal? I ask as the feelings I have are similar to those I’ve had with really bad PMT (where I’m really on edge ready to snap and everyone seems to be in the wrong). I’ve been with my DH for years and years - I love him and I know before the baby came along we were blissfully happy. I’m scared if I can’t rein these thoughts in I’m going to end up asking him for a divorce and I’ll end up alone and even more unhappy. Any advice?