Behaviour around PIL

[loulou2012]

Hi, my relationship with PIL has become increasingly strained over the years with lots of subtle digs being made towards me usually when DH is not nearby, and this has been getting worse, initially I ignored the comments, and in the last few years i have started to try and call out on the comments not always successfully.
Having lost both parents in the last 2.5 years and no other close family in the UK and with everything else that has been going on (pandemic, work stress, homeschooling, health anxiety) I have tried to avoid contact or to minimise contact where possible as I struggle not to get upset at the digs usually afterwards I can usually hold it together at that moment in time.
I'm struggling with how to deal with them, and there is a big family celebration this autumn which I am expected to attend and I can avoid going but my absence would be noticeable and I do want to support my DH but am feeling really anxious on how to behave around them.
Any ideas please on how to deal with this?

I find treating them like acquaintances is best. I leave it all up to DH but if I have to be involved I am superficially polite but that’s all

Has your husband spoken to them about this treatment?

Have you talked to your DH about his parents behaviours towards you particularly when he is not in their immediate vicinity?. He is key here in and to all this.

Yes he has, but it continues so I don't know whether to try and ignore the comments (and get upset afterwards) or to try and respond to every comment or to stay clear and avoid being on my own with them where possible. It's like they are now deliberately trying to get a rise out of me. I may be particularly sensitive at the moment especially as I have nobody else to talk to about their comments but it seems like my trying to keep my distance has made them want to provoke me more when I am around them.

Who is 'expecting' you to go?
Them or DH?

Either your dh agrees to be with you 100 %of the event or you don't go.
So what if your absence is noticed. Dh can explain it's because they are twats.

I stopped going to my ex's parents. He wouldn't protect me from them so I wasn't prepared to put myself through it.
His only concern was 'what will they say?'
I told him it was his problem not mine.

Both, although I know my husband would make an excuse for me if I really couldn't face it, but it would upset him if I couldn't attend, so I would like to support him. Should I prepare to treat them as acquaintances and work on building a thicker skin to try to ignore the comments, or should I try and respond to each of the comments ?, or just stay close to my DH whenever we are around them (this sounds me sound ridiculous I know!!) Just feeling quite vulnerable right now

Your feelings matter and I would stay away from these people altogether. Such bad behaviour should not be at all rewarded with you further visiting them. You've already tried calling them out on this and or ignoring and neither have worked very well if at all.

How does your DH get on with his parents these days?. Does he also have FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his parents?. His own inertia also when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you and he needs to do far more than he has done to date re supporting you.

I do think DH has FOG especially having lost my parents who he was very fond of it, but it seems like I need to have a talk with him about my /our boundaries with the PIL as you are right they way the behave towards me is not acceptable and we need a joint plan to deal with it

How much support does your husband need at a family event?

What are the comments?

It's particularly cruel of them to treat you like that when you have lost your own parents. They should be stepping up and treating you like their own child.

I have so many questions.

Why does your dh need support at his own family event?

Why do you think that you should be supporting him, rather than him supporting you?

So your PIL are mean to you, consistently, snidely, for years on end... and you suspect the problem is your vulnerability? All of us, every person there is, feel bad when people are awful to us.

You should refuse all contact with them. He wants to visit? He goes alone. Literally any other plans you make will make you happier than spending time trapped on the hometurf of people who despise you.