your best communication tips

[garlicandsapphires]

Newish relationship, considering living together in my house at some point in the near future, but wondering how best to communicate re: domestic jobs.

For context, I'm messy and it's often a battle to keep on top of my own mess. DP is also messy. I've explained that I need us to work together to keep the house tidy - all okay. But the other day I asked DP to wash up a bit more effectively and I think he felt quite got at. He's generally very helpful and does alot around the house when asked, but can be scatty - leaves cupboard doors open or things lying around. It's bloody annoying when I have to pick up after him.

How do you ask for someone to do more than they already do - so that they don't feel too criticised.

What are some tips for healthy communication generally? I think having clearly defined roles etc would help (and buying a dishwasher)

Get a dishwasher?

It's bloody annoying when I have to pick up after him

I think the first step is to realise that you don't have to pick up after him. Unless they're posing a real threat to safety, open cupboard doors are more an annoyance for you more than anything else.

What you need to ask yourself is - are you prepared to live with him as he is, and is that sustainable? Or, how would you compromise? Are you willing to meet him half-way where he does the dishes properly but you don't get annoyed when he leaves the cupboard doors open? Is he willing to compromise that way?

It doesn't take a lot of discrepancy for it to become a problem. Say you always close cupboard doors as soon as you've used them, maybe another person would leave the room before coming back 5 mins later to close them when they remember. If you multiple that and involve everything in the house, one person is always going to feel that things aren't done properly, that they're having to do things for the other person. As I said, it only takes a little discrepancy for you to feel it.

How do you ask for someone to do more than they already do - so that they don't feel too criticised

You ask them. However, other than being polite, there's nothing you can do that will ensure that they won't be offended or annoyed by it. Some people just interpret any request as someone 'telling them what to do'. It takes them back their childhoods where a mother was doing this. Men tend to be like this more than women and are more sensitive to a woman 'telling them what to do' (are they might feel about it). No matter how simple or reasonable your request it, they don't like it, and will interpret it as being bossed around. You might get a sour face, huffing, silence or sulking as a way of telling you that you've done wrong and to discourage you from asking again. If that is what your partner is like - good luck to you. Everything will seem like an uphill struggle for you and simple requests for help (that anyone else would be happy to give) will be blown out of proportion. He will expect eternal gratitude for every single little thing he does.

Just other things to consider - if you're messy, maybe he wanted to be with someone else who was messy. Maybe he wanted to be with someone who would clean up after his mess? Maybe he feels like you're not putting enough effort into it so he doesn't see why he should?

He should be doing things without being asked, for one, if he’s there a lot or you move in together. If I cooked for DP before we lived together he’d usually wash up for example without being asked.

I’d raise your expectations. He’s an adult who presumably looks after himself at home - all you’re expecting is that he does the same (for more people) at your house, rather than his brain falling out because he’s in the presence of a woman and he thinks it’s her job to do it.

If it’s annoying you can say something like “when I wash up I usually do XYZ and wipe the worktops over too, here’s the kitchen spray”.

People who leave cupboard doors open should be put up against a wall and shot.

You need to discuss to see what will be your common ground.p, like anything else.
Basically, what does he think ‘having a tidy house’ means?
What do you think it means?
Find a common ground.

And then, and only then, also state that tidying is a task shared 50/50 so he has to do his part of the bargain.

You might find that the issue isn’t what you both think ‘being tidy’ means but that he expects you to pickup after him, like his mum did.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

People who leave cupboard doors open should be put up against a wall and shot.

I’ve tried to explain that to Dc1 but to no avail.
Cupboard doors, drawers, all seem to be fair game

"Everything will seem like an uphill struggle for you and simple requests for help..."

It's not help, it's doing their share.

Yes thank you @WhoppingBigBackside for capitalising that for me. I would not have got the message otherwise.

I should have explained better that this could be a wider issue. Some people don't like helping with anything, not just household things. A phonecall home to ask someone to just check the calendar on the wall for them will be met with sighs, that kind of thing.

Sorry I meant -

'Some people don't like helping with anything, not just doing their share of household things'

@EarthSight, yes, ok, but I keep seeing on here that men should help with this and that, and it's because generally some things are seen as women's work, or wife work.

Another thing is that if he moves into your house, it will still be 'your house', and you will have been doing all the household duties, and his messiness will be that little bit more annoying.

[quote WhoppingBigBackside]@EarthSight, yes, ok, but I keep seeing on here that men should help with this and that, and it's because generally some things are seen as women's work, or wife work.[/quote]
We 100% agree on this. These tasks are seen as lower status.

They shouldn't be but for some reason there are men out there who have no idea that they should pitch in and 'see work' instead of thinking that it's what mums do.

Fortunately, I have not lived with one of those, but I am aware that they exist.

I feel your pain.
I can be messy but I like cleanliness.

My dh just doesn’t see it. It’s his job to empty the bins (I do all laundry and putting away of clothes for the family etc) but does he see an overflowing bin and think it’s his problem to solve? No.

My dh also sometimes empties the dishwasher “for me” and this drives me up the wall. As of the dishwasher is owned by me. My dh isn’t messy but he is lazy. They are different.

I personally would leave the cupboard doors left open where he left them. If he gets a bruised shin then maybe next time he will shut them. You could even open a few more cupboard doors so the kitchen is like n obstacle course and see if he raises an issue with the cupboard doors you left open. I’m not sure if that is helpful though - that’s just my mean streak