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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my friend selfish? (Long post)

23 replies

Peppapigforlife · 23/08/2021 13:19

A few months ago I bought a ticket to an amazing looking festival. I messaged a few people to invite them and they didn't want to go. One of the people I invited was one of my best friends from when we both loved in Spain and had come to stay with me last autumn a couple of times and we had talked excitedly about making travel plans once we were able to again. I asked her specifically to the festical because it looked like her kind of thing.

She said she couldn't go because she had already booked to work away for the summer.

Then there was a family version of the event announced and I booked a ticket for that to take my DD with (you might see my previous post about it not going quite to plan with the email correspondence with the company, but we made it in then end). I checked with her again if she was still going away for the summer because she works with kids so I still felt she might like to go and I've known her to change plans in the past so wanted to double check, and she said she was still going away.

Anyway fast forward to the England Euro Final and I was going up to London to watch the match. We hadn't seen each other for ages and I said I'd be up there if she wanted to meet. She said she wasn't sure because she had work the next day (mature student). I said okay don't worry. Then she said oh but I really want to see you because I'm going away for the summer soon. I said well I'm still around the day after because I'm going to stay the night . She said okay I can meet you around 6/7pm after work. The day of the meet she was texting me all day asking me my plans for the daytime and I said I was going with the flow. I said shall I text you later when I'm heading to the train station and we can meet around there? So then late afternoon she asked me again and I said I should be at the station around 6pm. Then she said it was too late and no point meeting as it would only be for an hour or two and she was too tired to travel to the train station. I said 'okay but it was you who said to meet at that time' and left it at that. She said 'yeah I know'. Then she said 'oh but I really want to see you before I go away'. I didn't reply because I was tired and had wasted a lot of energy making plans which didn't come to fruition and just decided not to try and make plans with her anymore.

Anyway, a few days before the family festival, she texts me to see if I'm still going and says she's got a job there with the kids last minute . I ask her about the summer job and she says she decided not to go in the end. She's all excited for it and I told her there were still tickets for the adult version if she wanted to come (I'm going alone).

When I see her at the festival we are talking and she asks me if I'm going to the adult one and I tell her yes and she should come and we would have a great time. She says she doesn't want to feed her wages back into the company by buying a ticket for the next one so I say okay fair enough. I see her a few times the first day and second morning and then her contact and effort to find me during her breaks dwindles (she was camping about twenty metres from me in the staff bit, with just a fence between us and we both had phones). In the night time I go out to the party area and look for her and can't see her. I see her on the last day and she says she did go out but much later on with her work colleagues. She then says 'oh we are thinking to go to the adult festival now'. I say 'who is we,' and she says her male team mate she's been working with the past two days. I say 'are you guys seeing each other now then?' and she says 'i think so'. She says we can camp next to each other. I say 'oh so you'll go to the festival with a guy you've just met but you won't go with me' and she laughs and admits pretty much. Then I say 'I don't really want to camp next to you if you're gonna be noisy all night with him'. She says 'oh yeah thats true.'

Later on that day I bump into the two of them at an activity and chat for a bit and they go off to do archery. I've got a toddler with me and at no point does she offer to watch my toddler for a few minutes so I can do archery too. I sit on the bench for a while with my daughter and see them walking back past me and my toddler and there wasn't even a head turn from her to say bye or see how I am. She knows I'm there completely alone and she is also staff.

Am I overthinking it or is she a bad friend?

I'm still going to the adult festival but I don't want to be a gooseberry to the two of them starting a new romance.

OP posts:
Harvestyo · 23/08/2021 13:41

Does she generally make an effort with you at other times?

It doesn't sound like she's bothered about hanging out with you.

I don't think she's been selfish exactly, it just sounds like she doesn't particularly want to see you.

Icepinkeskimo · 23/08/2021 13:47

I'm sorry but she is not a proper friend, everything seems to be on her terms and she's doing the "all about me" dance. Reels you in and drops you like a stone when someone new comes along.

You deserve better, I'd rather be alone than have fair weather friends. I always have given so called friends the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm older and hopefully wiser, I have decided to be a friend to myself if that makes sense.

You want to go to this festival but don't want to play gooseberry, be your own best friend and enjoy yourself, your be surprised how many conversations your have with new people.

Hold your head up high and smile OP you can do this.

coffeeisthebest · 23/08/2021 14:06

It sounds from what you have written here as though 'she's just not that in to you'. I can't tell if she is selfish or not, she sounds honest and abit changeable and as though she is hedging her bets a lot. All that matters for you is are you ok with the balance of the relationship? If not, step back, or you could call her on it and see what she says.

SheldonesqueGoddessOfTheMoonah · 23/08/2021 14:13

You seem to be trying really hard and she just isn’t that bothered.

She isn’t being a bad friend.

She doesn’t sound as though she was ever that.

SheldonesqueGoddessOfTheMoonah · 23/08/2021 14:14

Posted too soon.

It doesn’t sound as though she was ever really your friend at all.

Peppapigforlife · 23/08/2021 14:14

She doesn't make any effort really no. It was her idea to come and visit last year and she did and then she spent half the time doing her uni work and also hiding in my spare room. Then she cooked something extravagent for us all during the second visit and then went home and left all the washing up for me to do with an 18 month and hairs all over my soap. She only made the effort to come and see me when all the bars and stuff had closed and there was nothing else to do. She wanted to come for a third time and I told her my house was being cleaned professionally that day (not something that happens regularly) as a present from an aunt and yes she could come but please be clean and tidy. I also told her that because it was a weekday I'd be resting the few hours my DD was at nursery but that she was still welcome to come. I thought she wouldn't mind as she had spent a lot of time on her own when she came the last time. She decided not to come and told me it was because she felt unwanted and hasn't made an effort since the extreme lockdown ended. (Before anyone starts, I live alone so I could have a different bubble ten days apart so her visits were within the rules) Haven't heard from her since, apart from when a guy got her pregnant when she went on holiday at the beginning of the year and she needed someone to talk to about her abortion.

Following the football match scenario I decided not to bother any more but we both happened to be going to the same festival so I decided to give her one last chance.

I will definitely have a great time without her. I'm going to book a hotel and enjoy it. I'm sure she will try and meet up when her new man wants to do something alone, but I'm figuring out how to approach it and say I don't want to see her.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 23/08/2021 14:16

She is not too bothered, I would cool it. She sounds really young. I do think you are reaching with the archery bit at the end, but not with the rest of it. I would find it frustrating too.

SheldonesqueGoddessOfTheMoonah · 23/08/2021 14:18

And, if I’m honest, you aren’t sounding as though you like her much either following your last post.

You don’t have to ‘approach’ anything.

If she asks to meet and you don’t want to, a ‘no’ will suffice.

There doesn’t need to be a drama - don’t go looking for drama where there is none.

Peppapigforlife · 23/08/2021 14:26

I'm not a drama person, I'm more thinking how to approach it without getting pulled back into the friendship.

I've definitely gone off her a lot recently. She was someone who kept messaging me when I was in the States saying I should come back to Europe and then made zero effort when I did come back, until the lockdown happened. She called me after her party friends ditched her and I'm going to try and not let that happen again.

When I got to the festival she said she was so excited to see me that she was overheating but then she doesn't act like someone who finds me exciting, so it's a bit confusing.

OP posts:
vanityfairsbackpage · 23/08/2021 19:20

It’s not her responsibility to watch your kid

Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 09:23

@vanityfairsbackpage her literal job description was to play with the kids and keep them entertained.

OP posts:
PennyWus · 24/08/2021 09:48

She sounds flaky/disorganised, potentially obstructive, wrapped up in herself and not really invested in the friendship. Is that really harsh?! I'm sure she has her plus points too!

Sadly I'd probably back off this friendship, keep it to a social media connection, only meet up when she has made the effort to arrange it all.

Eclairesarethebest · 24/08/2021 09:57

Should of said "while your here watch my kid since your supposed to be working." Just bin her off, she's clearly using you when she doesn't have any better plans.

Aprilx · 24/08/2021 10:35

I don’t know why either of you bother to be honest. Neither you seem to particularly like the other, just leave it.

Palavah · 24/08/2021 10:37

When you wanted her to watch your child while you did archery, was this while she was on shift? If so why didn't you ask? If while she was on a break then I'm not surprised she didn't offer.

She's not being selfish, she's just not signing up to stuff she doesn't want to do.

Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 14:13

Yeah she was on shift. I didn't get a chance to ask her. One minute I was talking to her, the next she walked off to do archery. It didn't really cross my mind at the time to be honest, as I guess I'm used to putting myself in a box when you have fifty million things on your mind with a toddler and I'm used to not asking as I'm used to people being off if you ask for help. I thought she would come back to hang out as I was sat there on my own trying to keep my little one occupied and then she was gone.

OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 14:16

I used to like her. We used to hang out all the time in Spain. But now she has shown her true colours I've lost enthusiasm for it. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't in the wrong for walking away.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueGoddessOfTheMoonah · 24/08/2021 14:20

You don’t need anyone’s validation to walk away.

You don’t seem to like each other.

That is a good enough reason.

user1471457751 · 24/08/2021 14:24

I'm not surprised she said it seemed like she wasn't wanted. By telling her she will need to be tidy and that you will be spending the afternoon resting, you weren't exactly being welcoming. I also don't get you complaining that she left the washing up for you, why do you think she should do both the cooking and the clearing up?

She doesn't sound that interested in you and you don't sound like you care about her either.

Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 14:43

Because at that point with breatsfeeding through the night and living alone with a baby in lockdown I was just prepping ready meals each night with minimal washing up which she knew about. She came and cooked a big meal with lots of parts to it that she wanted (she didn't say that she was going to cook and what shall we have) just stated that she was going to cook and I had some of course and then she left all the washing up, including her own plate not scraped or anything and all the washing up from the entire weekend from her own lunches that she made on her own. I'd also fallen all the last day that she stayed so she knew I was ill when she left all the mess. Plus a soaking wet bathroom and her hair all tangled around my personal soap, so of course I asked her to be a bit more clean the next visit, especially as I was having an expensive clean done everywhere and it would have been a waste. She even told me other people have asked her to be more clean.

The taking time out thing was literally three hours a day out of a three night stay that she was planning so that left plenty of time each day to hang out. Plus she had hidden away the previous visit in my spare room so I thought well she needs that alone time too, she will understand and will probably take her alone time then when I have my nap from being up all night breastfeeding.

OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 14:48

Actually I have cared very much for her. She told me she was having problems at home with her mum and I offered her my spare room at zero rent . I've always been there for her when she comes to me after her bad choices in men have gone wrong. I was supportive to her during her abortion when she had no one else to tell, and I offered her a place to recover afterwards and I even wrote a reference for her for a job that she applied for with kids. That's why I feel she's selfish because she's ditched me for a guy and I know she will be back when it falls apart looking for sympathy

OP posts:
doingnothing · 24/08/2021 14:58

she doesn’t like you, you don’t like her. Why all the hand wringing

Peppapigforlife · 24/08/2021 17:48

Well it's definitely over. I text out of curiosity to see if she managed to get tickets to the festival and she says she is going with him the weekend before the weekend that I'm going (they've put on two weekends because it's a small venue) because that's the only weekend he can make. So she's definitely showing me she doesn't see me as a friend.

OP posts:
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