I'll try not to take ages with this. I've posted a lot about my family and the process has really helped. Just getting it out and hearing different viewpoints on it.
My DF was an alcoholic and had/has many narcissistic traits. Was around him being drunk from an early age, from 14 he got drunk with me, paid for alcohol etc. My DM is very much the codependent enabler. She also has some narcissistic traits such as wanting everything to look good to the outside even if that means making the situation worse. She prioritizes outside opinions in a way I've literally never seen anyone do before.. It's taken me years to see that clearly.
From the age of 14 I had jobs in various things, shops, cleaning up for people etc. At 16 I got a pretty good job. I saved the money in a building society savings account even though I didn't have a current account. Now this is relevant for only one reason, my DF hated this. It made him seethe. He is deeply misogynistic. Part of this misogyny is the view that women are all useless and stupid and men have to be stuck with the pain in the arse of paying for them. It wasn't like he was annoyed that i bought drink with the money (I did later) but from 14-17 really I never needed to, the house was like a permanent backstage party, my Ps literally forced drinks into my hand, so it wasn't that.
Here I will have to skip a big bit of the story but if you have any experience of this kind of thing you can guess it was not a happy home life and never had been. I was desperate to keep working and move out but was persuaded to stay and do A levels (did well) while at home. Things went downhill fast and I started self harming, drinking to excess and developed an eating disorder.
At 18 I went to uni. Just before I left to go to uni I went through a VERY big trauma which was basically my DMs fault and my DF did nothing to help really. Again, whole other story.
Once at uni I really went a bit unhinged. I was already a traumatised alcoholic who self harmed and had an eating disorder and really the chance of it going well was (looking back) somewhat slim. Basically went totally off the rails drinking, buying drinks for others to have company drinking at all hours, keep the party going etc. I know many students party but this was not that. This was just straight up alcoholism. The eating disorder was in full swing. I called my Ps after a couple of months and said I had made a terrible mistake going and I needed to stop being where I was. To be clear, I was not suggesting they take me in permanently or financially support me, as I mentioned even when ill and even through alcoholism I'd always worked. They have always been very controlling and strange and conditioned me to respond...my DM's reply was to scream and guilt trip me down the phone. I remember putting the phone down and thinking...this is just all wrong, so I must be crazy because apparently it's right?
Anyway I soon ran into financial trouble and my Ps found this out and insisted on access to my bank statements. They decided to "dig me out" I didn't ask them to. I spent the summer like a prisoner in their house, barely allowed to leave to walk/exercise so couldn't even get a job to start dealing with the issue myself. My DF ignored me the whole time and my DM just screamed and raged about the money spent. Ok, they were angry but the situation was not improved by any of that.
Here's the bit I don't get.
I went back to my uni city. Still with all my issues and fresh from living in a room on my own for 23 hours a day being ignored or shouted at I went back to drinking. My parents looked at my bank balance and saw it going down and added more money. I proceeded to spend that money drinking.
Now to be 100% clear, I was totally in the wrong in my lifestyle and totally in the wrong spending the money and I get that. I'm not painting myself as an angel here. I was an addict and very withdrawn from everyone and my only concern was my next drink. My Ps were very much of the opinion that some kids go to uni with nothing and no backing and do very well. Here was me crashing with money being gifted to me on a regular basis.
I was hospitalised after a serious incident of self harm. My Ps turned this into "are you going to knife us to death in our beds" and kept telling me lies about how it happened. I wasn't in the best state mentally and this really confused me.
In my 2nd year (which I repeated because I wasn't there half the time) I was assaulted while out drinking on my own. The guy tried to rape me but I scratched at his eyes and let me go. Before that though he got me by the throat and hit my head against the wall a few times, i genuinely thought I was going to get killed. Everyone in the bar pretended they hadn't seen it and all my "friends" questioned whether I was telling the truth even though the guy admitted it to someone and I had terrible bruises.
I stayed in my room for 2 weeks. Didn't eat, didn't even drink because I wouldn't leave the house to get any. The bank were concerned that my very regularly used card had just suddenly stopped being used. The uni were contacted (think the bank told Ps first) and someone from the uni came out to the house. They were told I was there but had locked myself away after this attack and basically no one could speak to me or get anywhere with me at all. My P's weren't told about the attack but showed no interest in why I started behaving in this way.
After this my life was very unstable for months. I saw the guy around all the time and he even challenged and mocked me on two occasions.
That summer I was determined to change my life up. I went home, told Ps I had fucked up, it wasn't working and that the best thing to do would be to leave uni city, get a job and live a quiet life and basically recover and go from there. I was obvs young so I didn't see having a couple of quiet years as a bad thing.
Somehow, my Ps insisted I should do my 3rd year but couch surf and that my DF would put £200 a week in my bank account. Conditioned to their control, and very confused, I agreed.
So sleeping on couches, very hairy situations at times and still drinking. Spent the money drinking. PLEADED with my DM to stop sending it. At one point my DF proudly said he wouldn't send any more money. I got two jobs which brought funds in and meant I couldn't drink for the hours I was there. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. Again contacted Ps and said the best thing would be to have my account back, keep working, gradually pay off the overdraft I had built up and just get a different life going.
Again, no. Quit the jobs, on their insistence, £200 a week and game on again. Passed 3rd year, think they did that out of pity.
Anyway to bring this to a close it;s many years later, lots of other stuff later and I am now NC. My DF was absolutely raging about the money I spent. I did apologise and he eventually very grandly forgave me.
It's only after NC though I am thinking...who does that?
Who puts that much money in an addict's account? For years. It's not like they could be worried about me being homeless/in danger or hungry because I was. As soon as they stopped sending money i got a job and that made me clean myself up.
Who insists someone quits working when their life is turning around because of it and say they need to be basically homeless for a year and have £200 of "free money" a week?
Is it a narc thing? Is he crazy? He genuinely thinks I swindled him. I know he is abusive, and I know my DM is enabling and abusive in her own right but...what does this mean at all?
Again I am not excusing being an addict and spending/getting into debt.
My view is that they were embarrassed to have a daughter with serious MH issues failing uni. They were too narc to admit they might have caused a lot of that and instead I "must be mad" and chose to throw money at the problem hoping it would go away. I don't think they wanted me to get help because well, then I'd have to tell someone how it all happened.
I just struggle to understand how all this went on for so long before I saw it clearly. It's hard not to feel doomed because surely in the face of all this control a sane / intelligent person walks away no matter what they other person says or does.
It feels good to have typed all that out.