Can't get the new relationship going...childcare issues

[SarahFean]

I've been separated since march 2020. Acrimonious. Teens hate their dad, so never see him and live with me. Decree Absolute happening as soon as we can agree the financials.

The man I like is someone I've worked with for years. He's been separated since Jan 2020. Gets on well with his ex. They have an 12yr old.

He and I clearly like each other and have done for over a year. We've stolen a couple of kisses on nights out but not let it go beyond that. I've now left the company. Things can finally progress with us.

But...his ex keeps taking advantage of his kind nature. He's got their son about 75% of the time, even though it's arranged to be 50%. Often it's last minute she tells him he's having their son. One of the many things I like about him is the way he loves his son and loves his company. So, whilst he's made it clear that he wants things to start between us now that I've left, he doesn't want to make things difficult by making plans to see me, then need to have his son.

We've done all this chat by messaging... So not the easiest way to talk it through.

He only has one friend who babysits for him and doesn't like taking advantage.

I think he needs to talk to ex and put firm plans in place that she sticks to. But don't want to diss her, as that's not a good place to start. I need to see him to talk all this through and find out how he's feeling about his ex continually doing this to him, but he's not committing to any time to see me!

Having worked with him, he's very much an ostrich and things sort themselves out around him. He hates conflict and hard conversations too, which is why he's not applied for the divorce yet. He and the ex just let things meander along.

He thinks things will improve when their son returns to school, as it'll be routine again. He fails to see that his ex started ramping up her last minute changes around may... When their son was at school.

I'm reaching out for advice on

1. how to deal with getting him to have the conversation he needs to have with his ex
2. ideas for resolving lack of babysitters
3. how long should I hold out for this to begin? I really like him, he's into me too, but I can't wait for his son to get old enough to be left alone for the evening.

All tips welcome! Thanks.

I would step away OP. He is committed to his son despite what his ex wife is doing. You need to find someone with more of a scheduled time...something like every other weekend which many men have with their children. This wont change for him and you telling him what to do will stoke up numerous problems with him and his ex if she is used to him doing what she says. If he was the type of person to set firm boundaries then this wouldn't be the issue right now. He loves spending time with his son so leave it at that.

Sorry but he is controlled by his ex and his schedule, like he has said you might plan a date night or weekend away in the future then an hour before he gets told he's having the kid so that his ex can go out, you can try and make it work if your willing to make the sacrifices, but eventually you will get bored of waiting around, I'd just find some one more compatible from the start if it was me, the red flags and warning signs are allready there

Yeah, sorry but I’d end things too.

If the relationship even manages to get off the ground, this is the kind of shit you’ll have to deal with constantly.

You have teens and will be at the point where you can go out whenever you want to, and he won’t be. Especially without any childcare and a lack of boundaries in place.

Run.

Not even divorced yet? Its all a big waste of your time. Don't be the one who hangs around for years waiting for things to improve.

I think you are asking the wrong questions here and that is clouding the reality that is loud and clear from your backstory.

Your lives are not compatible and if you're already trying to find solutions to HIS problems and HIS personality then this is already a non-starter where you will already be feeling a level of resentment for how feeble he is being.

I'd just say "let's just keep things casual for now, until you are in a place to make a more fixed routine with your son. I dont want to come in the way of contact, so if you are free to meet up, get it touch. If I'm free, fab!"

Hang on, you've kissed this guy a couple of times on nights out and already seem to think you have a say on his childcare arrangements and relationship with his ex. Maybe he has a pattern of choosing women who have boundary issues. Because really these things are none of your business and not your place to disscus with him.

If he is the one bringing them up with you then I suggest you nip those convos in the but asap. You arent even his current partner and so he is oversharing and stringing you along at the same time.

Also, you only have his word for things on his ex.

And..it is unfortunately possible that he just isnt that into you, that's why he is using her as an excuse. Because he just wants you as a bit of fun. So is creating the unreasonable ex as an excuse to stop anything more developing.

I'd walk.

*I'm reaching out for advice on

1. how to deal with getting him to have the conversation he needs to have with his ex
2. ideas for resolving lack of babysitters
3. how long should I hold out for this to begin? I really like him, he's into me too, but I can't wait for his son to get old enough to be left alone for the evening.*

#1 I don't know how long you've been together but you can't tell this man how to handle his ex. Honestly that would put me off if I was him. So don't talk to him about that

#2 I rarely trusted anyone to watch my daughter except for my mother (and I'm not the over protective type in the least), so I would again be put off if someone i was dating was trying to arrange a babysitter for my child.

#3 At 12 I would say a child is old enough to be left alone for a few hours in the evening. At 13 I was leaving my daughter home alone to go out on dates but she was responsible & my neighborhood was safe (we have very nosey neighbors so they keep an eye on everyone lol)

But not all children are responsible enough, the neighborhood might not be safe enough, some parents are NEVER comfortable leaving their children at home in the evening. My ex has an almost 18 yr old and STILL wont leave her home alone in the evening.

I say like a pp keep it casual or move on. There are a lot of men without children or have a more balanced approach to part time parenting than this and with ex's that don't pose issues.

If he wants a new relationship he’ll make time to facilitate it. He’s not therefore he isn’t.

Step away.
His ex is always going to come first, then his child.
You will always come last and have arrangements messed about.
He's not ready, may never be.

If you don't want stress and drama, step away.

It's up to him to sort out his childcare and he actually /probably enjoys having him 75%.

However, he will soon be a teenager who will probably have a very busy social life and be fairly independent.

I had this. His ex completely ruled his life. I walked away. Too much drama for me.

It’s not up to you to tell him what to do. He must be getting something from it to accept it.

How much notice do you need? Surely in a given week he has least 2 night you can see each other? Unless you are working evenings and nights and only have one evening off a week?

Sorry to say my but exP was always beholden to his ex (I’m talking even 10 years later!!) including giving her extra money, servicing her car etc all in the name of their child (even after we had our own child!)
It’s not about the child (I loved my step D and s have a relationship with her now) it about their ability to stand up for themselves and this sounds like it could cause issues in other parts of the relationship. We separated after 13 years partly due to this

Easy fix
Bath bed child
You go on a date night with him
Your teen babysit for him - child doesn't know he's dating someone just that he is meeting a friend and will be back in a few hours

I'd say he's not that into it. Surely his ex sometimes has their dc - has he never phoned and suggested meeting?

It's only going to get worse the longer you are together because you're only going to get more resentful that he doesn't plan anything with you.