I’ve met someone amazing but…

[Teflondreams]

I don’t want a relationship .

I’m mid 30’s and I’ve been going through a somewhat traumatic separation for the last 10 months that will certainly result in divorce at some point, when one of us files.

I’m doing ok now, redecorating the house, new job, spending time with friends, making plans for the single life I had never anticipated but was ready to embrace.

Only now in my new job I’ve met someone who gives me butterflies . They are kind, funny, intelligent and absolutely gorgeous! But I am absolutely not looking for a relationship right now. Will I regret this? I don’t know what to do! Any wise words?? I feel like a teenager with my first crush .

I don't think you can think they are that amazing if you don't want to be with them.

Surely it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

I’d focus on keep building your new life and just take things slowly and see what happens.

@cookiecreampie

I don't think you can think they are that amazing if you don't want to be with them.

I do think they are amazing, I would love to take them up on the offer of a drink but my head is stopping me. I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship after the trauma of the last year and the break down of my marriage. It feels like right person, wrong time .

@Arabelladrinkstea

Surely it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

I’d focus on keep building your new life and just take things slowly and see what happens.

I do agree with you here. I just feel like I don’t want to harm the work relationship by taking up the offer of a drink if it isn’t something I’m in the right headspace for. If it was someone I met in other circumstance it would be easier. But I am worried about regretting it in a years time. I don’t know if an honest conversation would be too much for someone I’ve only known 3 months.

Do you want to be completely single? Or do you want to date, rather than commit to a relationship? The latter is perfectly possible - you don’t have to do the whole “relationship escalator” process and jump straight into a committed, exclusive relationship with expectations of it being forever; you can just casually spend time together, enjoy whatever happens, and keep on re-evaluating how you feel about it over time.

Or you can be single. And there will be other men after this one, there always are.

If it was the other way round though ,and a man was saying this about a woman he had met ( right person wrong time) they'd be told that he wasn't interested and to not waste their time. He might be an amazing person on the whole but if you don't want to be with him, then you have to do what's right for you, but you can't like him that much.

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you, it is hard to have my headspace right at the minute. Your perspective is useful as I’ve not really thought about the possibility of dating .

@cookiecreampie it’s a little more complicated than that but thanks for your opinion. The whole point is that I don’t want to mess anyone around because of how much I do like them. I just feel uneasy as I want to be with them but it wasn’t my plan to get straight into a relationship so soon.

I would be honest with the bloke , he may feel exactly like you and be happy with occasional nice dates rather than a full on relationship— if he is looking for a full on relationship at least he knows where you stand— I would just say you are going through a messy separation so can’t commit to anything very full on at the moment

@Teflondreams - This is how now-DP/fiancé and I started out five years ago. We’d both recently broken up with a long-term ex when we met by chance through a mutual friend, and I’d just relocated to London and thrown myself into a high pressure new job. Neither of us were looking for our next relationship, so we just essentially went on occasional dates for about two and a half years. Then the dates began to get more frequent as we felt ready for it - and here we are.

My current FWB (DP and I are open) is much the same - we met through work and really got on, but he’d recently instigated a messy divorce, absolutely no headspace or emotional readiness to think about a new relationship and wasn’t even looking for anyone new; dating with no longer term expectations on either side works perfectly.

The key point is to be very clear about what the situation is and straightforward about where you are emotionally. If he’s hoping for something more immediate and expects, if it goes well, to move things into relationship territory quickly, then he’s free to tell you so and you can agree it’s probably not going to work for either of you right now. Getting good at talking about emotions and boundaries and feeling empowered enough to convey what I want to others without allowing how they feel or what they want to impinge on how I feel and what I want has really been one of the (many, as it turns out!) good things about a break up and having to re-evaluate my life in my early thirties.

It doesn't have to be a big relationship. You can have a fling, a one night stand, FWB, whatever you want. Go for the drink.

It’s incredibly rare to meet someone you feel that sort of connection with. Go for the drink and be honest with him about your circumstances.

I would be honest with him. Say you don't want to be in a relationship right now because you're going through a divorce, but you like him and are interested. And you're just going to see how it goes.

And then just enjoy the ride. Go for the drink, see what you feel like doing. Back off if it seems a bit much. Keep going if that feels OK. Allow yourself to keep going while also giving yourself the space you need - say, only seeing him X amount of times per week, whatever you feel you need. As PP have said it doesn't need to be either totally single or full-on relationship intensity. And if you're honest with him you're not messing him around.

At least two people I know offhand have met their long-term partners while in exactly your position - navigating a messy break-up and absolutely not in the mood for another relationship. Except then someone came along.

The options aren't just 1) Nothing and 2) Gull on long term relationship. The only option inbetween those isn't one night stand. Anything is possible.
I've had an amazing long relationship but feel I don't want another totally full thing again. So do I have to stay completely on my own then? No.

Full* 🙄

Ok, I’m in work on Wednesday so will see how the conversation goes.I realise from your comments I’ve had some black and white thinking on the issue whereas I need to relax and go with the flow a bit more!

It's just at the stage where he's asked you for a drink? I would go. It could stop at that one night for whatever reason. Go, have a nice time and try not to think beyond what it is. If the conversation gets serious you can tell him where you stand on it all. It might just be a good night with laughs and no pressure.

@Arabelladrinkstea

Surely it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

I’d focus on keep building your new life and just take things slowly and see what happens.

This! You just met them, you work together, you're not a thing yet.

Don't go stupid, keep your life and take it one step at a time.