Relationship in the toilet after having a baby

[BumsnetHQ]

Me and my husband have been together for ten years and have a nearly 2 year old. Our relationship prior to having a child was great, of course normal ups and downs but we loved each other and supported each other through our everything. My MH has been very bad for a few years and have included self harm and overdoses. Before the baby I was doing much much better but PPD kicked my ass plus baby has health issues that cause a hell of a lot of stress. I've gotten back on medication and worked with a therapist and am now stable.
But our relationship has seemingly collapsed. DH now has absolutely no interest or sympathy for my mental health. During the PPD he definitely stepped up with parenting but never asked how I was/how therapy was going, etc. If I have a bad day and get upset that the baby is struggling with her health condition or tell him about upsetting things going on on my side of the family (not relevant but again very painful and stressful) he'll say what are you crying for? Or I don't get why your upset.
He speaks to me with distain sometimes if he's annoyed, and has very limited patience wih the baby so I'm forever having to step in an comfort her if she's upset or frustrated. But if I ever mention his tone he'll tell me he didn't say it like that and that I'm the one annoyed with him when I'm not at all.
I always up end feeling like I can't say anything or it gets all twisted til I'm confused and wondering if it's me.
There's no affection, no loving words, no comfort, nothing that makes a relationship really, I just feel so sad and alone and confused. I just don't know what to do, I don't even want to talk to him about it as he seems so unapproachable and not willing to admit to any fault on his part. Any advice?

Honestly. I don't think it will get better. Maybe try to speak to him when he is in a good place and suggest couples counselling but seems unlikely he will suddenly become caring and loving towards you if he isn't now.

Believe me 10 years in and it gets no better they don't learn to calm the tone down, in fact it gets worse because the DD will answer him back! I'm forced to be the peace maker all the god damn time, he's also like it with me as well

Hi @BumsnetHQ I don’t really have any advice other than to say I’m in a similar situation. My DH is very good with our DD but he has total contempt for me. He is completely cold towards me. We have had another row tonight and after me being in floods of tears he’s just given me the cold shoulder and wasn’t one bit concerned.

It’s so hard. I know lots of people will probably come on here and say LTB but it’s just not as straightforward as that with a baby in the mix.

Sorry OP it’s rubbish I’m sorry I haven’t got better advice

It was the same for me. Never got better. 10 years I stayed and tried but no. I'm so much happier now I'm alone

IME, when people say the relationship was fine before kids, it usually wasn't. The problems were always there, they've just had a million more times stress put on them. So people notice it more.

I’m another one that thinks it won’t get better.
You need to get your ‘ducks in a row’ behind the scenes.
Would you be ok on your own if it happened ?

How long has it been going on and how is his mental health?

We had a phase like this: I’d been really struggling with birth injuries and he stepped up doing loads with DS while I got my head together. Then he had some tough family stuff go on while I was still not 100% and therefore too wrapped up in my own stuff to realise how much he was struggling. The result was he continued to be a lovely dad but was incredibly cold and closed off with me, I felt starved of affection and desolate.

Eventually hit a point where I couldn’t stand it and explained how his behaviour was making me feel and that I would need to end the relationship if it continued. This then triggered some really tough honest conversations about what we both needed and weren’t getting from each other.

He immediately took steps to improve his mental health - speaking to gp, sitting down together to plan a fair timetable of alone-time for hobbies each (we both need to run/cycle to keep our brains steady) etc. It also prompted me to look at my own behaviour and get support for my anxiety. Basically it was shit until we stopped trying to pretend/hoping it would fix itself. So honest communication, taking responsibility for our own part in things, making plans together to get both our needs met as far as possible with a toddler to care for, and seeking outside support.

If he’s unwilling to work together then run for the hills, but worth trying direct open communication first - I didn’t for ages because I was scared, but it’s made such a positive difference to our marriage and 2 years on still does.

My relationship was like this after our first. After our second it rekindled and we're now ok. It was a hard slog though.

You are second guessing what he is thinking and why he is acting a certain way. You both need to talk to each other. Perhaps he has some mental health issues of his own or maybe he feels like you don't love him. You can never know what someone else is thinking. If you don't feel able to raise it yourself, then try counselling. If you had a good relationship before, its worth trying to save it.

If you want to try to make things work have you thought about counselling for you both? It seems like a lot of stress has been building for some years and it's hard for either of you to see the woods for the trees. Some outside perspective and support from someone neutral may be what's needed.

OP - kids put strain on relationships. Kids with health issues put even more, it’s inevitable. I am sorry your little one has to deal with it.
The dynamics you describe is sadly predictable. It seems that before children you relied on your H for support with your MH. He, in a way was in a position of your ‘carer’ when you had your MH crises - he strong and responsible one with you. BTW - not something many partners would manage, so I hope you realise that and are greatful.
Now that the baby arrived, and baby with extra needs - obviously that strength and support moved to the baby. And it’s hard enough to do that.
In my opinion it’s unfair and also unrealistic to expect him to be able to step up with the new baby, and also be your MH support.
No one is that strong to do both.

By the sound of it he is struggling as it is. So are you. And you aren’t working as a team and not communicating.
So - like the other poster has said you need to start talking.
And I think you need to step up and take more responsibility for your own well being. He doesn’t have the bandwidth to be your support/carer anymore.

(And little note on that - your family situation is stressful and hard as is - and you need to focus on that. You can’t allow your extended family bringing you more stress. He is right on that. So it’s completely natural that he tries to shield himself.)

None of this is fair. I am sorry.